Constantly pleading to God that he was something else.
He wanted to be what he was taught was right
So, with that he remained
Wishing and praying.
Hating himself for something he thought he could control,
But it seemed he had no choice.
Why was it wrong if he had no choice?
So, he kept
Wishing and praying.
Trying to hide what he was,
But everyone could tell.
He became bullied, and belittled
Wanting to stop it all from happening, because it must be his fault he thought.
So, he still kept on
Wishing and praying.
Like a caterpillar wishing to turn into a bird.
This was impossible for it wasn’t the caterpillars choice to be what he was,
Convinced he needed to change he kept
Wishing and praying.
His family and church taught that what he was wasn’t right.
That it was possible for the caterpillar to become a bird,
That there should be no caterpillars.
He tried and tried so much he hated himself,
Depressed and broken the caterpillar curled up and built up walls.
There defeated he once more was
Wishing and praying.
Time passed and the caterpillar decided that he needed to accept who he was.
As the caterpillar broke out of this self hate and depression,
He discovered that he had transformed into his true self.
Why had he ever wished and prayed for so long to be something he wasn’t?
He realized he now was a beautiful butterfly!
He had left behind the self hating, wishing, and praying caterpillar.
He loved himself now and that was all that mattered.
Finally free to spread his wings he didn’t care what others thought,
Their opinions were left beneath him.
Why had he ever been wishing and praying?
He was already something so wonderful.
This is a painting done by Ryan himself,
representing him finally expressing his true
colors and venturing out into the unknown.
All rights reserved to Ryan George.
I was inspired to write this poem the way I did because one of the things during Ryan’s interview that really made an impact on me was when he was talking about how he used to pray to God every night to make him straight. It is sad to know how he thought that he needed to be something that he wasn’t. Also, he thought that he wasn’t enough, which caused him to hate himself until he realized that he is amazing just the way he is and that there is nothing wrong with him. I didn’t mention how he was different literally in the poem because I want whoever reads this to be able to use their own interpretation so that it won’t only apply to those in the LGBTQ. This is because there are so many differences out there that I feel this poem should represent too, and by writing it the way I did anyone could identify with it. I used the simile of him being a caterpillar wanting to be a bird showing that what he wanted couldn’t happen because he wasn’t meant to be a bird or straight. This representation of his struggles was inspired by Maus by Art Spiegelman because he uses animals to represent the different kinds of people in his book. For my poem, I am using the birds to represent straight people, caterpillars to represent closeted LGBTQ people, and butterflies to represent people who accept themselves and feel free to be who they really are. The caterpillar in the poem is when Ryan was in that stage of hating and denying himself he hadn’t realized who he really was yet. When he said he would pray to god every night and that he was trying to hide from everyone that he was gay. This is why he turns into a butterfly to express that he is free now because he realizes who he truly is and that it is okay for him to express himself. After all, that time where he felt trapped inside because of the fear of what other people would think, Ryan was finally free to be who he was made to be.
Different in society stands out no matter what the difference is. Being a different sexuality than what is considered the norm at a young age is a mountain to climb, especially when your twelve years old. The bullying or the shunning of family and friends can be detrimental to someone so young. Many things can occur when a young pre-teen is shunned for being different. Things from suicide to self-harm and severe depression. Caoilfhinn knew when she was in 6th grade that having a crush on a girl classmate might stir up drama and trouble in her life, but she couldn’t help how much she liked Hailey.
Caoilfhinn woke up at 7:00 for school, hit snooze on her alarm clock, and wiped the sleep from her eyes as she stared at the ceiling. Once she had the drive to get out of bed, she slowly dragged herself to the bathroom and looked at her wild, short, blonde hair sticking up in the air. Caoilfhinn could hear her mother calling her name, but she ignored her and finished brushing her teeth. Getting dressed was a totally different issue. She stared at the clothes in her closet, then finally decide to just wear yoga pants and a T-Shirt to school. Caoilfhinn could hear her mother calling her again saying she was going to miss the bus, so Caoilfhinn gathered her energy, grabbed her backpack, and ran right out the door. She never bothered to even try and eat breakfast because she got up too late to even make a piece of toast. How pathetic she thought to herself as she climbed on the bus. Caoilfhinn’s stop was always the first one in the morning, so she got to pick where ever she wanted to sit which was always the same seat. The left side 11th seat in the bus is where she always sat. It had a musky feel to it, but it was hers.
BSSD, Picture of Brittany Hill Middle School, Blue Springs, April 2019. All Rights Reserved
She starts to think about how one day she found some skinny 6th grader in her seat and how she gave him the foulest look she could come up with until he moved out. Caoilfhinn was indeed a very nice person, but she liked to sit where she sat every day since the first day of middle school. She put her headphones in and started listening to some rock music that she couldn’t put a name to. When the bus arrived at school, she would be the last one to jump out and head for her locker as fast as her feet could carry her. She threw her backpack in her locker a little more harshly than she had meant and made her way down the impossibly long hallway to her first class, 6th-grade architecture. The class was fun; they built bridges, cars, and played with online simulations, but the best part of that class to Caoilfhinn was Hailey. Hailey was tall with long brunette hair and coffee brown eyes that Caoilfhinn couldn’t help but notice each time she walked in the room. Caoilfhinn couldn’t explain the way she felt about her; she just knew that she had a hard crush for her. She noticed that crush on the second day of class when they were talking, and she hadn’t gotten rid of the feeling since. Hailey walked into class and sat next to Caoilfhinn and asked how she was doing. “Good as I can get for being in the school at eight in the morning. What about you?”
“Same here I guess, I was almost late because I missed the bus and forgot my lunch.”
“Ha how did you manage that.”
“I honestly don’t know at this point I think I’m losing my mind slowly and methodically.”
They both laughed as the teacher walked in and started teaching some nonsense about an architect computer simulation. Caoilfhinn had no interest in paying attention so she started day dreaming about swimming with some friends when schools out. The class ended and Hailey had said a quick goodbye and left faster than usual. Caoilfhinn practically ran to her second-period class which was orchestra. It was her favorite class; most of her friends were in the class and she got to play the violin. Today, since it was a day after a concert, they would play hide the bow and eat some food. Kristen was walking on to the stage at the same time as her and said good morning. “Hey Ca-waffle, what’s up?” Ca-waffle was her nickname that her friends called her because of the way her name was spelled. Caoilfhinn was pronounced (Kay-Len) but her mother gave her an Irish spelling to her name, so her friends nicknamed her Ca-waffle after seeing the way her name was spelled. She loved the nickname her friends gave her because it made her feel accepted and unique to her peers. “Nothing much Kristen but we should for real pick up the pace or we’re going to be late again.”
Caoilfhinn Fulkerson, Filtered Picture of Caoilfhinn, Blue Springs, April 2019. All Rights Reserved
“Ugh story of my life Ca-waffle.” Kristen gave one of her specialty eye rolls as they picked up the pace. “You would think one day you two would be on time.” Hannah said. She was another good friend and violinist. “Well today is not that day and setting up a cello takes so long I don’t even know why I bother anymore.” Kristen said with a tired sigh.
The orchestra played hide the bow and ate food while watching a recording of their performance the night before. Caoilfhinn took off to her other classes for the day until 7th period which was canceled for the school talent show, then Caoilfhinn sat next to Katelyn, a girl she had been itching to talk to since her crush on Hailey developed. Katelyn was open about her feeling about boys and girls so Caoilfhinn wanted some advice from her. Caoilfhinn also wanted Katelyn to tell some stories and share experiences with her the way Artie wanted Vladek to share his stories in Maus so he can better understand. During the performances, Caoilfhinn told her she had feelings for Hailey and Katelyn responded with pleasure. “Good for you Ca-waffle, there isn’t nothing you should freak out about, your perfectly normal.” After school was out Caoilfhinn made her way home and told her mom and one of her friends that she had feelings for both boys and girls. They both supported her and told Caoilfhinn she was perfect the way she was.
ShutterShock.com “Rainbow in a Forest” Animated Picture Art, April 2019. All Rights Reserved
The next morning, she got on the bus and went to school but something seemed off. People were staring at her when she walked in the hall and she couldn’t figure out why until one of her best friends Ashley came running up to her. “YOU’RE BI!” Ashley exclaimed. “Yea, how did you know?” Caoilfhinn asked with panic setting in her stomach. “Dude everyone in the school knows now,” Ashley said with a more hushed tone. Great Katelyn can’t keep her trap shut for one day. All of a sudden Logan and a couple of his buddies were in the hallway, they were the meanest kids in the entire school. They spotted Ashley and Caoilfhinn talking together and started shouting that they were gay for each other and the new grossest couple in the school. A few kids laughed and the others just looked away and headed to class and that’s how the year of hell began. The relentless teasing from those boys went on for a year and the thought that Ashley and Caoilfhinn were a couple. During that year Hailey stopped talking to Caoilfhinn completely and she even switched out of their architecture class. One day Ashley and Caoilfhinn were sitting together and those boys really went in deep for them. “Look at the lesbian couple at table 12,” the short one said they all started to laugh but the girls became experts at ignoring their insults. “Hey, why the hell can’t you mind your own freaking business!” Kristen yelled as she and Hannah were huffing to the table.
Kristen Ballhurst, Filtered Picture of Caoilfhinn and Kristen, April 2019. All Rights Reserved
The boys just laughed some more and returned to their food. “Sorry about that you guys, I can’t believe people think your dating just because Ca-waffle is bi.” Hannah huffed. “It’s ok I honestly didn’t expect me coming out would have such an effect on the on me or the people around me, but I’m sorry to say that I don’t care. I am who I am. If they can’t understand that, then they can suck my big toe,” Caoilfhinn said as she ate an old sandwich. “There ain’t nothing to be sorry about and if they do have issues, then they can suck all of our big toes.” Ashley laughed the part out while eating her salad.
That year was hell for Caoilfhinn mostly just because of those group of boys. Being different from the rest of her peers stood out in a way she never thought possible. The boys found new targets for their teasing and her world seemed to go back to normal. That 6th grade year changed her life forever and the friends that stuck by her side were there through high school. Looking back on that year she was happy she was able to ignore those boys and just be able to get through that year with her friends. Being different from the people who surround you is hard for anyone. Although Caoilfhinn would never consider changing herself for any one, she always knew that different stands out and that’s a good thing.
ShutterShock.com, ”Ice Rainbow” Animated Picture Art, April 2019. All Rights Reserved
Nancy Ziegler, Photo of Jonathan and I, Kansas City, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
In recent years, there has been a growing acceptance for people who are LGBTQ+. We can see this through events like the United States making gay marriage legal in all 50 states, through shows like Queer Eye that have exploded in popularity and through many teenage movies such as Love, Simon that speak of acceptance. This outburst of support has been a recent development, and my friend Jonathan and I remember growing up in a time where it was still of taboo to be homosexual. Even more so when compared to 70 years ago. Gay people have been persecuted throughout history in almost every culture. They were included in the groups of people sent to death camps by the Nazis, but their stories are largely nonexistent. Discovering a chance to get the story of my gay best friend, seemed like a great way to honor the gay people who never got to tell their stories.
Jonathan was adopted from Moldova when he was a little over a year old. He grew up in, “…a very liberal, very comfortable family” (01:15). He admits to having a negative self-image while growing up, especially when he realized his sexuality and in turn how society viewed it at the time. He references one specific factor that played a role in this self-image, his father and the jokes made about gay people. I understood what he was talking about, growing up calling someone gay was just something you did, there was no thought behind it.
Jonathan Cruickshank, Photo of Jonathan’s Moldovan Passport, Kansas City, 2019. All Rights Reserved.
Jonathan Cruickshank, Photo of Jonathan’s Adoption Papers from Moldova, Kansas City, 2019. All Rights reserved.
Similar to the mob mentality that people took on during the pogroms in WWII. “Before I even came out to anyone my dad would jokingly make like very crude jokes about gay people. And you know the funny thing is, there was no motive behind it” (02:25). The results were a complicated relationship between father and son, where Jonathan saw a complicated picture. On one hand, he saw his father as the liberal, very accepting man that was someone he could look up to, but on the other, he still said these horrible jokes about gay people, intentional or not. His father became an example of what Jonathan came to worry about other people. This same kind of fear many gay people back then had to live with as well, except none of them could come out. “If my own father thinks this, even if there is no motive behind it, then God what is someone walking down the street going to think of me?” (03:10).
When Jonathan finally did choose to come out to someone for the first time around 6th grade, it was not a well-received response, so much so that this person told him, “well that’s just disgusting” (05:28). This shocked me because Jonathan and I were friends for over a decade, yet I did not know about this incident. I was also shocked because of the response, it doesn’t make sense in my mind to justify saying something like to anyone regardless of your relationship. Jonathan responded to my disbelief, “So even if it wasn’t her like calling me disgusting, it was like her calling my sexuality disgusting [but that’s] still apart of me” (06:00). This was thankfully the only negative coming out experience that he ever had to deal with. Jonathan says that as he got older, he became more sure of himself, and that the people he did choose to come out to, it took a lot of confidence to do that. But it brings up that question anyway of why do gay people even need to “come out”? No one goes to their loved ones to declare being straight. Because in our society we just assume the default sexuality is heterosexual, and that because you’re not a part of the “norm” you need to officially declare it, which seems like it would have some negative stigma to it.
The Flag Shop, Photo of a Rainbow Flag, theflagshop.co.uk, April 2019, Copyright The Flag Shop All Rights Reserved.
In addition to a bad first time coming out experience, Jonathan had experienced another negative response to him just being himself again, through words. We were seniors in high school at the time and he was working at a kid’s clothing store, primarily a girls one. He had been experiencing a normal shift when a father and daughter duo came into the store. He had assisted them in finding her some outfits, most of which she liked and they were ready to check out. As Jonathan was ringing them up for the clothes the father said something to Jonathan. “…the dad you know jokingly says “God you must be a fag to work here”. And I was just kind of like no, not really. Sexuality doesn’t really play a role in the hiring process here” (10:10). Jonathan said that nothing had escalated further from the one comment and that even though it may seem like a minor incident it was a major one in his life. I made the comment of comparing this remark to the ones that his father had made about gay people. They are the kind of comments that stem from ignorance and more people aren’t even aware of the implications that their words have. A big difference between the two is that Jonathan’s father genuinely cares about him and that this was a stranger trying to be funny. This was another incident that affected his self-image that he admits he is still struggling with today, but fortunately not enough to completely shatter the confidence that he has been building over the years.
The topic of self-image and worrying about what other people think led us into the discussion of things like public displays of affection (PDA) with a significant other. PDA is a common sight with straight couples, it is one of those things you grow up seeing on TV and in public spaces. Seeing PDA with a gay couple? Not nearly as common, although this trend seems to be changing. Jonathan however still feels that discomfort that society exudes when a gay couple chooses to display affection. “It’s not like I’m not comfortable with PDA and it’s not that I’m not comfortable holding my boyfriend’s hand while I walk down the street. It’s the fact that I don’t feel safe” (14:54). This is another one of those things that straight couples and people, in general, do not seem to worry about or have ever had to think about. As his friend I understood Jonathan put a lot of thought into his appearance and I always attributed that to someone who cared about their health and taking care of themselves. While maybe a small percentage of it may be that, most of his need to take care of self-image stems from the fear of being judged, and possibly a confrontation. In regards to someone actually approaching him and saying something just because of the way that he is, he says, “That’s more fearful to me because I know words have more of an impact that someone else’s actions do. It almost strikes me with fear and almost shuts me down to the point where, like I said, I’m not going to walk down the street. At least in Kansas City, I’m not going to walk down the street holding my boyfriend’s hand because I would feel very uncomfortable” (17:52). I understood why he would feel that way about Kansas City. Despite the progress that has been made in Kansas City for the LGBTQ+ community, it is still not nearly as accepting as a place like San Francisco. The representation in a state like Missouri is still so much more conservative than a place like California, and not having representatives who advocate for your sexuality still allows for those unfavorable parties to speak out against the gay community.
Jonathan Cruickshank, Photo of Jonathan, Chicago Pride, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
However, despite all of the negative experiences that Jonathan has dealt with, he is optimistic about the future. He believes that as our generation gets older, as well as all the younger ones, that a more accepting society will emerge. When I asked him there was one thing about our current society that he wished to change “that societal ideal that a man and a woman, that’s the perfect marriage” (19:04). He also offers one piece of advice to others that may be in a similar situation “Gauge your situation, and if you don’t feel comfortable doing it, then don’t do it” (20:43). He continued to talk about what made him so optimistic and this made me reflective. I had never discussed this with Jonathan so deeply before. And while I already viewed myself as someone who was accepting of gay people and people of different sexualities, I was never given the perspective of what it felt like to be gay. And with one of his final statements, he summed up how we both felt “People should and can be more tolerant” (22:56).
In our junior year of high school, I became friends with my interviewee, CB. Through our friendship, I’ve gotten to know him foremost as someone who is enthusiastic, involved, and hardworking. Together, we navigated our difficult classes with late-night study sessions at Starbucks and memorable but amusing lab incidents. He had already become an important friend to me before I ever knew about his sexual orientation. As his friend, I knew he might have gone through some difficult times because of who he is, and I wanted to learn more about him. In this way, I could empathize with his experiences.
Kim Phan, Photo of CB, Kansas City, March 2019. All rights reserved.
During our interview when I asked, “what words do you use to name your difference?” (00:12) he responds in a blunt but joking voice, “Gay” (00:19).
CB elaborates: “I didn’t have like […] this bright rainbow that showed me like, gay. But, I don’t know, it just felt like it was always part of me” (00:46). When he found a name for how he was feeling, he says, “it was nice to realize that there were other people like that out there like me, that even though I wouldn’t be deemed normal by society […] I would still be accepted by some people somewhere” (30:24). It was also terrifying for him to realize that he belonged to “a demographic that’s persecuted against, and that people can use my quality of being a homosexual against me for no reason whatsoever” (30:24).
Although in recent years society has grown more accepting, regarding the LGBT community, less than a century ago homosexuals were victims of a systematic genocide known as the Holocaust. Nazis forced Jews to wear the yellow Star of David just as they labeled homosexuals with a pink triangle and eliminated them in death camps.
In the twenty-first century, CB faces different challenges. Growing up in a “white, middle-class, Republican family” (1:13) has made it difficult for him to express himself. Even now his parents won’t let him tell his extended family and because of this “I feel like I’ve been blocked from them kind of” (2:10).
Subtle interactions frame how CB sexuality affects his daily life, and overall, his anxiety stems from the risk that his sexual orientation will negatively impact him. He is anxious that the people he meets, especially superiors like teachers, might have a bad perception of homosexuality and will project that onto him (2:49). When he does tell people about being gay, “the first like five seconds of not only their verbal communication but their nonverbal communication tell you it all” (1:33). When he wants people to see him for who he is, as a good student and a good person, he worries that they aren’t going to accept him and will only see him as “just, gay” (2:10). And although he has never been physically persecuted, he does fear the possibility.
It was only towards the end of our senior year did I learn that he was gay. Honestly, up to that point, I never gave it much thought, and the possibility didn’t cross my mind. But once I learned about it, there was no reason for that fact to change our friendship. I felt like that was just a part of the CB I already knew, and I was glad that he trusted me enough to tell me.
Other friends have reacted differently. CB admits to wanting to change during high school in response to this, “I was in a group of friends, who I’m still friends with yes, who are, like my family, white, middle class […] they’re very strong Republicans. And, that’s not saying anything bad against them, it’s just everyone has their different views but, I’ve been friends with them all my life, and I’m still friends with them today” (5:06). Finding a more diverse friend group has helped CB destress, and during the interview, we laughed about how differently he acts around his separate peer groups.
“Look, our nerd friend group is probably like, one of my saving graces for my senior year, because it got me away from everything else, and you guys showed me like […] my friends don’t have to be assholes and I don’t have to hide myself” (6:07).
CB was involved in several extracurricular activities in high school, including cross-country. I remember driving to school for an early class at 6:30 when I would see him running with his teammates on the sidewalk. Now CB tells me that even though he loves running and being with a team, “one of the most, like stressful parts of my day is going to practice” (8:00). Although they never talked about it, he says that some people on his team either knew or suspected that he was gay. He could tell that some of those people were uncomfortable about it “Because I mean we’re all running around shirtless” (7:09). He never faced any serious verbal persecution, instead “Everything that I have like viewed as harmful or persecutive towards myself, has always been non-verbal or just in absent, where they just block me, basically. Or like ghost me and try not to […] come in contact with me” (8:36). In the case of his cross-country teammates, they would look at him differently and it “would just get really annoying and stressful” (8:00).
This ghosting is a kind of symbolic annihilation as opposed to a physical one. Those who don’t understand or think negatively about his difference chose to make him invisible to them, rather than confronting their views. Because of this, they don’t get to know him, and they never see past the label put on him.
According to CB, environmental factors and their upbringing are the reasons people act this way. Parents and peers had certain expectations for the social norm, so when it came to homosexuality, those with more traditional views “didn’t know how to react to it” (9:38). The topic was never discussed at home so when someone raised in that environment does meet a homosexual, “since they don’t know how to react to it, they just, automatically just think negatively” (10:25).
When faced with discrimination, CB chose not to associate himself with those people “because, there’s no point if they’re just going to harm you” (10:52). However, reflecting back, CB feels like he should have “been more upfront about it […] verbal with them, talk to them, not like accuse them of anything obviously, but like, just discuss with them rather than just what I did of just neglecting them” (11:36). He feels like he let those people get away with it and that they are going to act the same to another homosexual. Although he feels like he should have stopped it, he also thinks positively “that because I didn’t get furious and mad at them, and I didn’t accuse of anything […] I took the high road” (11:36).
In his group of friends, CB enjoys being able to think positively and cope by joking about tough things. In an environment where people don’t judge you, “it’s nice because you can focus on what you need to focus on, what you’re trying to get done, or trying to learn […] or just having a good time.” (13:15)
He is mad when he thinks about those of the LGBT community who face persecution, and it scares him knowing that it happens in other places across the world. If he were to travel somewhere like that, he wouldn’t know what to do since he’s lived in a fairly liberal city. For example, in southern America, a person would “have a completely different story […] because of the values down there” (15:48).
Today, CB still struggles with hiding from his siblings and extended family who are rural Republicans. He parents thought that telling them would destroy their family. CB doesn’t blame his extended family because “that’s what they’ve been taught, that’s what they’ve been exposed to.” (16:36) Although he wants to tell them, it scares him as to how to do that. He wonders if it would change the dynamic of their relationships. “That’s probably my biggest obstacle is just figuring out how to tell people who are really close to me.” (17:10)
CB wants people to know that “being gay is not my definitive label.” (21:02) Rather than respond positively or negatively to his sexuality, he “wouldn’t [want people to] to respond at all.” (19:35) He wants society to reach a point where it won’t matter if he tells people that he’s gay and he wouldn’t have to differentiate himself in that way. “I have a lot of different purposes in my life, and I’m a good person, and I do good things […] being in a homosexual community, isn’t, shouldn’t be a label for me and it isn’t a good thing and it isn’t a bad thing. It’s just me.” (21:51)
