Tag: Friends

A Day in The Life of Margaret Phillips

Kelly Pingeton, Portrait of Maggie Phillips in her senior year of high school, 2018, All rights reserved.

I am a Freshman at UMKC. One day, we were told we had to interview someone who was different than ourself. The difference could be several different things including race, religion, etc. I instantly thought about my friend Margaret, who I call Maggie. We are very close, however, she is different than me in many ways. I chose Maggie not only because she is my friend, but because I admire everything about her. She is easily one of the strongest people I know, despite not being what everyone expects her to be. During our interview, I asked Maggie to tell a little bit about herself, “My name is Margaret Phillips [gestures toward self] and I was adopted from China when I was 11 months old uh—I grew up in a small town called Braymer, Missouri. Umm—I have four older brothers and my mom. My dad passed away when I was 13” (00:07). As the interview went on, I learned things about Maggie I had not known before including her love for sports. “Yes—with the sports I played which were softball, basketball, and track I kinda felt like the underdog” (08:23). Now anyone who doesn’t know Maggie personally might be wondering why she feels like, as she says, an underdog compared to her teammates. “They wouldn’t expect someone who looks like me to be very good at all, but it was nice because then I could show everyone how good I was they would be like “what?” and oh yeah it doesn’t help at all that I’m only 5 feet tall [smiles]” (08:40). I asked Maggie to describe herself a little more for those who don’t know her and she said, “Yeah, I’m 5’1” and Asian and very much a tomboy.”

After interviewing Maggie, I realized the struggles she has to go through in everyday life. This only made me admire her more. While interviewing Maggie, it was clear to me that she could rise above the looks, whispers, and judgments of those around her. Eventually, I had to ask her, “Were there any times you have ever wished you could change specifically just the way you look?” and not surprisingly, she answered, “No.” In a later question, I asked if she ever considered what her life would be like if she didn’t have her difference. Maggie made it very clear that she has thought about things like this before because, who hasn’t? At the end of the day, she very much loves her life. It is clear to me that what other people, including myself, may see as struggles, Maggie only sees these obstacles as learning and growing experiences. Throughout the interview I wanted to get some personal experiences from Maggie, to see the world through her eyes. So, I asked, “…can you describe a specific incident where you felt out of place or different because of your difference?” (04:44) and so she did, “Umm [looks away]—it’s hard for me to live up to people’s standards of me [slightly moves in seat] because I am Asian I feel like people only see my looks and I feel like I should act or be a certain way [shakes head] so, for example, just yesterday I went to an Eric Church concert with my brothers and, I don’t know why [shrugs shoulders], but I felt very out of place” (05:03). This is the type of example of an everyday obstacle for Maggie. You might wonder why, why did she feel out of place? It’s just a concert, isn’t it? Well, I wondered the same thing. So, I asked her. She told me this, “Idk—I guess because it was mainly white people [looks up] and I love country music [gestures towards self] and Eric Church but [moves hand] I guess because stereotypes make it seem like specific [air quotes] types of music are targeted for certain types of people” (05:33). It’s hard to think that just because someone doesn’t look or act like everyone else they could feel so out of place.

“You always hear people say oh [air quotes] Asians are good at math.” (16:33). Throughout the interview, our conversation would stem off into new conversation until we had a whole tree of topics we were talking about. One that I realize we mentioned a lot was stereotypes. We went into a full conversation talking about just being ourselves. As I am telling everyone reading this, I told Maggie, “I really like that aspect about you, it’s very admirable” (19:27). And just then Maggie said something, “Thank you, that really means a lot to me because I try so hard to just be myself in everyday life and like we were talking about earlier I try to stray away from stereotypes and just be myself because I refuse to let a stereotype define who I am” (19:33). I began to think about what it must be like to always have people instantly assume something about you before they have even said one word to you. It’s not fair and I believe everyone should take a page from Maggie’s book and not let what other people say who she really is.

If there’s one thing I learned throughout this assignment, it’s that family is so important. Especially to Maggie Phillips. “Yeah sure so my family has always supported me through everything. I think they realize it can be a little difficult for me because of my difference and because of that they’re super supportive in all aspects of my life; school, sports, and just everyday life. They really encourage me to be the best I can be” (07:53). It’s clear to me she loves her family with all of her heart. But as you now know, Maggie was adopted at a very young age, 11 months. I wanted to know her stance on this sensitive topic. So, I asked her “Do you ever find yourself wanting to learn more about your own personal culture since you did grow up with a white family with white customs?” (09:24). Maggie’s answer was a bit shocking to me. She said, “No, not really because— I’ve tasted genuine Chinese food and I absolutely hated it. My number one thing about culture is that the food has to taste good and it also could be because I did grow up here, so I’m just not used to the food but the American greasy food is probably the best food I’ll ever taste so no, I don’t have any desire to learn any more about my heritage” (09:46). I thought this was a very sweet idea but didn’t answer what I really wanted to know. So, to continue the question, I asked Maggie, “Do you ever want to meet your real parents and learn about their lifestyle?” (10:15) Her answer was truly heartwarming, “No, because all I see them as are sperm and egg donors and my real parents are the ones that raised me and loved me and have supported me throughout my life” (10:24). At this point in time, I knew without a doubt that family was a key aspect of Maggie’s life.

After spending nearly half an hour with Maggie, I feel like I truly got a look inside of her world into her everyday life. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine, but I can tell that Maggie isn’t one to give up. She inspires me to ignore the stares, whispers, and, of course, the stereotypes. Despite our differences, we’re all just people.

Not My Definitive Label

In our junior year of high school, I became friends with my interviewee, CB. Through our friendship, I’ve gotten to know him foremost as someone who is enthusiastic, involved, and hardworking. Together, we navigated our difficult classes with late-night study sessions at Starbucks and memorable but amusing lab incidents. He had already become an important friend to me before I ever knew about his sexual orientation. As his friend, I knew he might have gone through some difficult times because of who he is, and I wanted to learn more about him. In this way, I could empathize with his experiences.

Kim Phan, Photo of CB, Kansas City, March 2019. All rights reserved.

During our interview when I asked, “what words do you use to name your difference?” (00:12) he responds in a blunt but joking voice, “Gay” (00:19).

CB elaborates: “I didn’t have like […] this bright rainbow that showed me like, gay. But, I don’t know, it just felt like it was always part of me” (00:46). When he found a name for how he was feeling, he says, “it was nice to realize that there were other people like that out there like me, that even though I wouldn’t be deemed normal by society […] I would still be accepted by some people somewhere” (30:24). It was also terrifying for him to realize that he belonged to “a demographic that’s persecuted against, and that people can use my quality of being a homosexual against me for no reason whatsoever” (30:24).

Although in recent years society has grown more accepting, regarding the LGBT community, less than a century ago homosexuals were victims of a systematic genocide known as the Holocaust. Nazis forced Jews to wear the yellow Star of David just as they labeled homosexuals with a pink triangle and eliminated them in death camps.

In the twenty-first century, CB faces different challenges. Growing up in a “white, middle-class, Republican family” (1:13) has made it difficult for him to express himself. Even now his parents won’t let him tell his extended family and because of this “I feel like I’ve been blocked from them kind of” (2:10).

Subtle interactions frame how CB sexuality affects his daily life, and overall, his anxiety stems from the risk that his sexual orientation will negatively impact him. He is anxious that the people he meets, especially superiors like teachers, might have a bad perception of homosexuality and will project that onto him (2:49). When he does tell people about being gay, “the first like five seconds of not only their verbal communication but their nonverbal communication tell you it all” (1:33). When he wants people to see him for who he is, as a good student and a good person, he worries that they aren’t going to accept him and will only see him as “just, gay” (2:10). And although he has never been physically persecuted, he does fear the possibility.

It was only towards the end of our senior year did I learn that he was gay. Honestly, up to that point, I never gave it much thought, and the possibility didn’t cross my mind. But once I learned about it, there was no reason for that fact to change our friendship. I felt like that was just a part of the CB I already knew, and I was glad that he trusted me enough to tell me.

Other friends have reacted differently. CB admits to wanting to change during high school in response to this, “I was in a group of friends, who I’m still friends with yes, who are, like my family, white, middle class […] they’re very strong Republicans. And, that’s not saying anything bad against them, it’s just everyone has their different views but, I’ve been friends with them all my life, and I’m still friends with them today” (5:06). Finding a more diverse friend group has helped CB destress, and during the interview, we laughed about how differently he acts around his separate peer groups.

“Look, our nerd friend group is probably like, one of my saving graces for my senior year, because it got me away from everything else, and you guys showed me like […] my friends don’t have to be assholes and I don’t have to hide myself” (6:07).

CB was involved in several extracurricular activities in high school, including cross-country. I remember driving to school for an early class at 6:30 when I would see him running with his teammates on the sidewalk. Now CB tells me that even though he loves running and being with a team, “one of the most, like stressful parts of my day is going to practice” (8:00). Although they never talked about it, he says that some people on his team either knew or suspected that he was gay. He could tell that some of those people were uncomfortable about it “Because I mean we’re all running around shirtless” (7:09). He never faced any serious verbal persecution, instead “Everything that I have like viewed as harmful or persecutive towards myself, has always been non-verbal or just in absent, where they just block me, basically. Or like ghost me and try not to […] come in contact with me” (8:36). In the case of his cross-country teammates, they would look at him differently and it “would just get really annoying and stressful” (8:00).

This ghosting is a kind of symbolic annihilation as opposed to a physical one. Those who don’t understand or think negatively about his difference chose to make him invisible to them, rather than confronting their views. Because of this, they don’t get to know him, and they never see past the label put on him.

According to CB, environmental factors and their upbringing are the reasons people act this way. Parents and peers had certain expectations for the social norm, so when it came to homosexuality, those with more traditional views “didn’t know how to react to it” (9:38). The topic was never discussed at home so when someone raised in that environment does meet a homosexual, “since they don’t know how to react to it, they just, automatically just think negatively” (10:25).

When faced with discrimination, CB chose not to associate himself with those people “because, there’s no point if they’re just going to harm you” (10:52). However, reflecting back, CB feels like he should have “been more upfront about it […] verbal with them, talk to them, not like accuse them of anything obviously, but like, just discuss with them rather than just what I did of just neglecting them” (11:36). He feels like he let those people get away with it and that they are going to act the same to another homosexual. Although he feels like he should have stopped it, he also thinks positively “that because I didn’t get furious and mad at them, and I didn’t accuse of anything […] I took the high road” (11:36).

In his group of friends, CB enjoys being able to think positively and cope by joking about tough things. In an environment where people don’t judge you, “it’s nice because you can focus on what you need to focus on, what you’re trying to get done, or trying to learn […] or just having a good time.” (13:15)

He is mad when he thinks about those of the LGBT community who face persecution, and it scares him knowing that it happens in other places across the world. If he were to travel somewhere like that, he wouldn’t know what to do since he’s lived in a fairly liberal city. For example, in southern America, a person would “have a completely different story […] because of the values down there” (15:48).

Today, CB still struggles with hiding from his siblings and extended family who are rural Republicans. He parents thought that telling them would destroy their family. CB doesn’t blame his extended family because “that’s what they’ve been taught, that’s what they’ve been exposed to.” (16:36) Although he wants to tell them, it scares him as to how to do that. He wonders if it would change the dynamic of their relationships. “That’s probably my biggest obstacle is just figuring out how to tell people who are really close to me.” (17:10)

CB wants people to know that “being gay is not my definitive label.” (21:02) Rather than respond positively or negatively to his sexuality, he “wouldn’t [want people to] to respond at all.” (19:35) He wants society to reach a point where it won’t matter if he tells people that he’s gay and he wouldn’t have to differentiate himself in that way. “I have a lot of different purposes in my life, and I’m a good person, and I do good things […] being in a homosexual community, isn’t, shouldn’t be a label for me and it isn’t a good thing and it isn’t a bad thing. It’s just me.” (21:51)