LGBTQ – From Us To Them

Fictional Narrative

Sitting down on the copious garden bench, I could tell from his body posture that he was trying to compose himself for the forthcoming event. The sun brightly shone, but the pedunculate oak tree was keeping us from direct exposure. As Hussain sat with his legs crossed and his mind open to my questions, he recalled his past experiences and all the troubles he has faced up to this point in his life. When I appreciated him for making it to the conversation and then introduced him to the topic of the day, he nodded his head and uttered, “I am honored to be here. At least I can clear things out to my fellow Muslim brothers who live hiding away from themselves.” He spoke with so much confidence; that of someone who has undergone a process a hundred times if not a thousand and is now sufficiently confident about every tiny detail that is entailed in the whole process. As his eyes grew stale and his mind wandered off into a long past world, he slowly recollected how his sex life has evolved.

Hussain gets the desire to quench his thirst which could have resulted from the direct questions that he had encountered and that were also yet to come (3:25). So I present him with a bottle full of water and he sips a big gulp. He then confidently says his age, which is 23 years, and that he is a male who is a Muslim by faith who goes to the mosque to pray and he is currently in a gay relationship. Hussain is originally from UAE, but he is now a legal US citizen which he attained with the help of his partner who directed him on the correct offices to visit and procedures to undertake. On the relationship status of him and his partner, Hussain says, “We are planning for a long term relationship that probably will lead to our marriage. It has been a difficult journey to reach where we are. We love one another and I hope everything will turn out right.”

Hussain discovered that he was gay at a very tender age. He can vividly remember that he was depressed and could not find himself in a position to talk much, so he spent most of his time in his room when he was in his 5^th grade. This is understandable when someone, especially a young boy, notices that the society is not in appreciation of his own interest and therefore always tends to take refuge in his private company, away from anyone. Hussain started to notice some differences in himself and his normalcy. He was gradually learning to stay away from his old male friends, and he was no longer enjoying their company and their endless stories. On the contrary, he could admire what the girls were doing and could find himself getting drawn to them. Back at home, he had started hating the boy gifts that his dad could bring him every time he had a visit. Since her mum never wanted his only boy to tarnish her name in any way, he had always promised to get him a cute outfit every time he performed well in his class. Hussain had never failed to impress his mother because he was still the top; if not, the second best. During this time, he had topped and therefore, as usual, his mom had to get him the newest outfit in town. However, this time something strange and weird happened; he did not like it despite how elegant it looked, but he never shared this with anyone.

I am now almost at the peak of the conversation, and it continues to get better and better. I needed to know about the chronological timings, how long Hussain had been aware of his sexual orientation. Hussain said, “Okay, to realize that I was not the same as boys of my age [which implies noticing he was gay], I was 12 years old. However, to be involved in a gay relationship I was about 16 years old.” Noticing that that was a very tender age, there was no way he could have managed that by himself, there must have been someone who helped him out. And sure enough, the first person who introduced Hussain to his first gay relationship was his high school teacher. Mr. Omar, Hussain’s Math teacher, called him and asked if he could join him in his office for a talk. Previously, they had done a surprise test, and he did not feel comfortable with it, so he was certain that he was five minutes away from being scolded due to poor performance. But to his surprise, he was astonished by what the teacher had prepared for him. The teacher told him that he had keenly noted that he was different from other students and that he was also hiding from who he was. This left Hussain mouth wide open; he could not believe his ears. Did that come from his Mathematics teacher whom they never had anything in common apart from a lecture? He did not have a comeback to that, so the best option was to storm out of the office. However, the teacher was not the type to accept defeat; he called him yet again after two weeks and asked if he ever thought about what they talked about in their last meeting. This was ironic because it was a one-way traffic conversation, and whatever that was, it was nowhere near a meeting. But Hussain gave in with one condition: they were not to carry the conversation in school. So, the teacher quickly asked, “can you make time tomorrow and we meet in town?” Hussain accepted, and they met where he opened up about everything and that was the very first person that he ever told about his sexual realm, and also became the first person who introduced him to his first gay relationship.

“Personally, I encountered extensive prejudice and discrimination back at home in the UAE because of my sexual orientation. Given the fact that gay relationships in the UAE are not widely known and considered evil in society, I could not manage coming out or even exhibiting any sign of being in a same-sex relationship. Here in the US, it is an open society; however, there is severe antigay prejudice including verbal harassment.” This was the reply that Hussain gave when I asked him what role prejudice and discrimination played in his life as a gay person. He could very well remember one Friday evening when he had just come out of a bar that goes by the name Bistro 303. Taking just a few steps, certain individuals severely insulted them claiming that they were agents of Satan and that they were mutilating the society.

Standing up and taking a few steps around the bench, his height could now be revealed as opposed to when he was seated. He bit his right thumbnail and said, “Actually, prejudice and discrimination have a wide range of impacts, including social and personal impact. This is reflected in everyday stereotypes that are persistent within the society. Gays are limited to job opportunities, parenting as well as relationship recognition are justified by stereotypic assumptions about gays.” I could tell from his facial expression and body movement that he felt that sink in him. However, his face could change like a switch because when I introduced a topic on family, his face lit up and he put on a smile. He said, “…I am a big fan of family and having children is one of my future obligations. I think we will talk about it with my partner. Our relationship is two years old and we are taking things slow. When the time comes, possibly after our marriage, is when we will have children.” From his face, you could see determination and hope. I thanked Hussain for his time and I joined him in standing as we shook hands and bid goodbye to one another (30:45).

Learning Love and Acceptance

Maya Baughn, Entry way to Mid-Continent Public Library -North Independence Branch where the interview was conducted, February 2019, All rights reserved.

On the day of my interview with Alex, the sky was gloomy, and it was raining. The library was framed in grey which made the pale yellow stand out. During our interview, I kept remembering how he used to be when we first met. His story touched my heart, and I realized how little I knew about gender identity and sexuality. Being a firm believer in education, Alex explained a lot of things to me and having that information compelled me to spread awareness too.

Alex has been my friend since eighth grade. I remember when he still used his dead name and tried dating girls to express how he felt. He had long dirty blonde hair with blue streaks that framed his face because of his middle part. For Alex, the indifference he experienced stemmed from his gender identity, not his sexuality, so no matter how many girls he dated there was still a chasm which needed to be filled. He wouldn’t find out until we were juniors in high school what filling that chasm truly meant to him, he wanted to be loved and accepted like anyone in high school does. However, when Alex found a way to express his true self (when he gained the knowledge to describe what he’d been going through since childhood) most people turned him into a joke. The change did not come easily – I can still hear how others taunted him when I think about walking down the main hallway of our high school. Insults echo over the chatter and background noise; I can’t imagine how loudly the insults echo in Alex’s mind. Alex chose to plant himself and grow where very few people loved and accepted him.

Maya Baughn, One of Alex’s favorite photos of himself taken at his home before the interview, February 2019, All rights reserved.

When I asked Alex his biggest challenge growing up, he explained, “I didn’t fit in with the guys because obviously, I was a girl so it was like ah I belong with the boys but they don’t want me.” (01:31) It’s as if children are seeds, all different shapes and sizes, with the potential to grow into anything, yet they’re still categorized based on their gender. His family held tight to this notion that an individual must be one or the other; boy or girl. So, growing up, when all the girls would gather to play, Alex would join them even though he longed to be with the boys. Boys did the things Alex liked doing too, but they were unaccepting which left Alex alone most of the time. For quite a long time Alex didn’t know he was meant to be male, he just thought he was a tomboy.

In our senior year, Alex and I took a creative writing class for dual credit. It was the first class we had together since sophomore year, and the distance between us was clear. Regardless, I noticed him and talked with him to bridge the gap. He didn’t wear all the negative things he’d been through like I expected, he just remained kind and understanding of all my questions. Transgender, this is who Alex is, but it is not everything Alex is. When he learned about his gender so much of his life was explained. Long hair, a high-pitched voice, and a soft chest weren’t suited to him, but they weren’t things he could easily change. So, I asked “how does your gender impact your everyday life?” in order to understand all the effort he puts into expressing himself (04:07). Every day Alex puts a decent chunk of time into presenting himself a certain way to be perceived as male. The long hair was cut short, he made his voice deeper, and his soft chest was compressed by a binder. All these things helped him gain some confidence in himself; however, confidence is only part of the battle. Depending on the place Alex must decide which restroom to use during his transition. He explained, “At work and certain places I’ll go into the men’s room because ya know that’s where I belong but in places like high school I would go into the women’s restroom because it wasn’t safe.” (04:51) Being transgender has an unnatural number of challenges Alex faces every day, the biggest of which being the unacceptance from peers and other individuals.

Body dysphoria plays a huge role in how Alex feels about himself. The disease does not treat him well, it makes him extremely uncomfortable with his body unless he’s made himself look, act, and sound more manly. He discussed overcoming this feeling as learning “dysphoria is not self-hate, it is not that I hate my body, it’s just that it doesn’t fit me.” (21:48) Alex has prevailed through some of his dysphoria and the anxiety that manifests with it because he knows he can be healthy and be himself. One day, to help himself with the processing of overcoming, he explored the men’s restroom at Independence Center. This was finally his chance to use the restroom he was meant to use. At first, it was great; he went in feeling triumphant, and he was well on his way to blossoming into his true self. Two big, brute fellas in flannels and cowboy boots stopped Alex as he exited the bathroom stall. Alex felt terrified, yet he reminded himself to remain calm. After all, he had just started growing to accept himself and had finally figured out what eases his mind. These men were mean, and scary. They pushed Alex down, forcing him onto a cold, dirty bathroom floor, making him feel horrible and incredibly unaccepted. Alex remembers the situation as the men “beat me to a pulp almost. . . they called me a tranny and more disgusting words after they beat me up because I wasn’t like a guy. I wasn’t a cis man.” (07:55) Some people tried to help, they thought Alex should go to the hospital to make sure he wasn’t severely hurt or physically broken. Alex didn’t go, he wanted to pretend that the whole incident never happened.

Later, Alex was at work when he finally passed out because of all the trauma he had suffered. He didn’t open up to anyone about what happened though until all the wounds had fully healed. There came a day, almost two years later, when Alex had to write a creative nonfiction piece for the creative writing class we took together. This piece was going to be his way to finally talk about what happened, and it would expose the horrors he experienced while just trying to be true to himself. First, he proposed the idea to all his new friends, the ones he had made through work that loved and accepted him for his true self. Before this, they had no idea about his experience, and when they found out they were upset they didn’t know sooner. His friends gave him the love he needed to finish healing and grow into a beautiful person. Exactly the kind of person he was meant to be. From his experience, Alex has acquired the courage to tell his story, stand up for himself more, and to even stand up for others.

Alex and I have come a long way in the last six years. He made it clear during the interview that he has learned a lot of things he wants to pass on to help people accept what they do not understand. Education can transform how everyone thinks and it is an important tool. The final questions I asked Alex dealt with what he wants others to know about the transgender community and how people could be more tolerant. A key component of tolerance is recognizing that transgender individuals are valid and real. He said, “Mostly just by talking about it [gender identity], that would erase a lot of fear.” (29:49)

Wishing and Praying

Wishing and praying.

Constantly pleading to God that he was something else.

He wanted to be what he was taught was right

So, with that he remained

Wishing and praying.

Hating himself for something he thought he could control,

But it seemed he had no choice.

Why was it wrong if he had no choice?

So, he kept

Wishing and praying.

Trying to hide what he was,

But everyone could tell.

He became bullied, and belittled

Wanting to stop it all from happening, because it must be his fault he thought.

So, he still kept on

Wishing and praying.

Like a caterpillar wishing to turn into a bird.

This was impossible for it wasn’t the caterpillars choice to be what he was,

Convinced he needed to change he kept

Wishing and praying.

His family and church taught that what he was wasn’t right.

That it was possible for the caterpillar to become a bird,

That there should be no caterpillars.

He tried and tried so much he hated himself,

Depressed and broken the caterpillar curled up and built up walls.

There defeated he once more was

Wishing and praying.

Time passed and the caterpillar decided that he needed to accept who he was.

As the caterpillar broke out of this self hate and depression,

He discovered that he had transformed into his true self.

Why had he ever wished and prayed for so long to be something he wasn’t?

He realized he now was a beautiful butterfly!

He had left behind the self hating, wishing, and praying caterpillar.

He loved himself now and that was all that mattered.

Finally free to spread his wings he didn’t care what others thought,

Their opinions were left beneath him.

Why had he ever been wishing and praying?

He was already something so wonderful.

This is a painting done by Ryan himself,

representing him finally expressing his true

colors and venturing out into the unknown.

I was inspired to write this poem the way I did because one of the things during Ryan’s interview that really made an impact on me was when he was talking about how he used to pray to God every night to make him straight. It is sad to know how he thought that he needed to be something that he wasn’t. Also, he thought that he wasn’t enough, which caused him to hate himself until he realized that he is amazing just the way he is and that there is nothing wrong with him. I didn’t mention how he was different literally in the poem because I want whoever reads this to be able to use their own interpretation so that it won’t only apply to those in the LGBTQ. This is because there are so many differences out there that I feel this poem should represent too, and by writing it the way I did anyone could identify with it. I used the simile of him being a caterpillar wanting to be a bird showing that what he wanted couldn’t happen because he wasn’t meant to be a bird or straight. This representation of his struggles was inspired by Maus by Art Spiegelman because he uses animals to represent the different kinds of people in his book. For my poem, I am using the birds to represent straight people, caterpillars to represent closeted LGBTQ people, and butterflies to represent people who accept themselves and feel free to be who they really are. The caterpillar in the poem is when Ryan was in that stage of hating and denying himself he hadn’t realized who he really was yet. When he said he would pray to god every night and that he was trying to hide from everyone that he was gay. This is why he turns into a butterfly to express that he is free now because he realizes who he truly is and that it is okay for him to express himself. After all, that time where he felt trapped inside because of the fear of what other people would think, Ryan was finally free to be who he was made to be.

On My Own: A Transgender Man’s Tale

UMKC, Photo of UMKC Trumpet Ensemble, Tan-Tar-A Resort, April 2019. Copyright Free

Andy Chapel is a student of the Conservatory of Music and Dance at the University of Missouri- Kansas City. He is in his sophomore year of a Bachelor of Music Education degree, and his primary instrument is the trumpet. He is employed by the Office of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion as a Diversity Ambassador, and is an LGBTQIA Leadership Scholar (00:17). Andy spends his time outside of his studies as an ambassador for diversity and the LGBTQ community because he identifies within the LGBTQ community, as a transgender man.

Mid America Freedom Band, Andy Chapel performing “There’s No Place Like Home, Lyric Opera of Kansas City, April 2019. Copyright Free

What does transgender mean? Labeling someone as transgender means that they have transitioned from their birth gender to one that suits their personality and identity better. Transitioning for Andy came early on, he spent time researching and learning about the LGBTQ community from thirteen years old, and officially transitioned and started to identify as a Transgender man in his late high school years (01:20). Especially early on in his transition, it was difficult for him. Often, people would just not recognize or honor his transition. He’d feel pushed aside or ignored, people were generally apathetic or not sympathetic towards him because transitioning isn’t something that most people ever have to deal with or think about- it really is a foreign concept to almost everyone.

Nobody wants to be ignored. Especially in the developmental golden years that overlap high school, peer acceptance is important to everyone if they’d like to admit it or not. These feelings of being unwanted, overlooked, and unimportant were difficult for Andy. He felt as though he had missed opportunities, and that he had lost the support of many adults and most importantly, his parents. Because it’s so common in American society to segregate things by gender, like our gym classes, Andy also had a lot of trouble fitting into either category which led to further feelings of ostracization (05:00).

Andy Chapel, Filming the Depiction of Music of the 20s, April 2019. Copyright Free

This lack of a solid support system isn’t just a problem for Andy. In his case, it’s made finding jobs harder. Does he write his birth name on his resume, or does he write Andy? Of course, he would prefer to be able to just write ‘Andy’ and not worry, but because in the state of Kansas he cannot have his state identification altered, he risks appearing invisible to background checks performed by potential employers. The employers would have to know him by his birth name and gender which is an identity that he is working very hard to bury. Not only is being trans a handful from an employment viewpoint, but Andy’s dating life is also complicated because of his gender identity. Often people shut him down just based on his gender identity, not because of personality traits or incompatibilities (12:20).

Early on in his transition, Andy’s reactions to adversity were passive. He would remove himself from uncomfortable positions. Especially in his high school coed gym class, there were a lot of people being mostly unintentionally, but sometimes intentionally very nasty towards the queer community. People often make these kinds of jokes without realizing that there could be people around that the jokes directly affect. People just want to fit in with their peers, and if their peers are making insensitive jokes, chances are others will join in without realizing the full weight of their words.

The ‘Banality of Evil’, a phrase introduced by political theorist Hannah Arendt in her 1963 book Eichmann in Jerusalem brings to light parallel ideas about the normalization of abuse and oppression. The phrase is defined as meaning “evil that is motivated not by a diabolical will, nor a sociopathic desire, nor even by ideology, but by the desire for professional promotion or simple thoughtlessness and lack of analysis” by Arendt. In much the same way people that didn’t support Nazi ideology collaborated with the Nazi regime, Andy’s peers were collaborating with homophobic ideologies even if they were not homophobic themselves. They collaborated for much the same reasons as well. Even though they weren’t homophobic, they heard others making insensitive jokes and comments, and wanted to gain social status by conforming to what the majority was doing, even if they didn’t think it was right. Those without homophobic beliefs likely did not consider the implications of their jokes, unaware that it was so directly harmful to people nearby.

When the people in the coed gym class would say hateful things and make insensitive jokes, Andy’s strategies consisted mostly of making himself unknown to those who would put him down. He changed into gym clothes in the nurse’s office, instead of in the locker rooms with the rest of the students to help protect his identity. Although he was known as ‘Andy’ to this specific class, not everyone knew the truth about his gender. He refrained from commenting on nasty things that were said out of fear. If these people knew who he really was, what kinds of things would they say or do to him?

Without the know-how or confidence to properly educate people, the easiest possible solution was to hide. Being forward enough to speak out against people who are speaking wrongly against how you identify was not something that Andy was not ready to do at this point in his life, especially when the jokes and abuse targeted him personally. Gym classes specifically are very gendered, so it felt like a ‘David vs. Goliath’ type situation (22:32). Even to this day, Andy is scared by past experiences with ‘toxic masculinity’. Being so unlike other men, and previous poor experiences with “Cis-Het Men”, born males who identify as their born gender and are attracted to the opposite gender, being in places where he’s placed under a lot of scrutiny will likely never be completely comfortable for Andy (27:18).

Nina Cherry, Andy Displays His Artwork, Jones Art Gallery, April 2019. Copyright Free

The lack of good peer and parental support forces trans youth to grow into independence much faster than other youth. For Andy, the biggest move for his own mental health standpoint has been transitioning and then finding the support systems that worked for him. His parents would not be of much help, refusing much financial or emotional support. Seeking validation from like-minded individuals, or even just finding people to talk to that will understand and not question your feelings and beliefs are more helpful than you might think for your mental health, according to Andy (33:23). Coming to the realization that he wasn’t alone in the world, no matter how much it felt that way, was the difference between making it through some situations and giving up.

Andy Chapel, With Members of Trans+ Social, UMKC Student Union, April 2019. Copyright Free

The biggest side effect of Andy’s growth since transitioning has been his confidence in activism. The independence of being a college student, living on his own, and his involvement with diversity programs, Andy is more comfortable with who he is. He’s met people who he relates to through groups like Transplus Social, a student organization at UMKC that he is the co-president of. Most important to his development is creating these connections and creating an environment in which he can thrive. Compared to his high school experience, UMKC does a very good job from the top down to make sure that people of all shapes, sizes, and beliefs feel at home and involved (12:31). This feeling of acceptance means that Andy can be the force that helps other LBGTQ folk feel at home by standing up for them and for himself. He’s “more open”, a stronger personality and presence can do a lot for other LGBTQ folk’s comfort, and for the non-LGBTQ folk’s awareness and sensitivity towards them. His presence adds a lot more weight and an extra reality check to people who are okay with making transphobic ‘jokes’, and people like him are integral for the advancement of the LGBTQ community.

One of the biggest things that Andy preaches to non-LGBTQ people is to understand that no two trans folk are alike. There isn’t really an accurate image that depicts what everyone looks like, or how all trans folk act. It’s important to expand your horizons on what the idea of a trans person could be, and most importantly be careful to use sensitive language and be aware that these people could be around you at any time. Spending the extra time to research what it means to be in the Trans community, even if you aren’t, goes a long way to ensuring their comfort (36:00).

Growing Up Bisexual

Marissa Daisy woke up to the smell of a rainy morning in Kansas City, Missouri. She smelled her mother cooking breakfast while getting ready for the first day of 3^rd grade. Marissa was starving. She walked to the kitchen to greet her mother, but more importantly, eat. As she was eating, she combed her hair and got dressed, but she was going to miss the bus. “Don’t forget your backpack!” shouted her mother as Marissa walked out the door. Marissa saw that the bus about to leave the bus stop, so she started shouting and jumping towards the bus driver. Claire, another student on the bus, hurried to the front to tell the bus driver to wait. Marissa noticed the squeaky bus come to a halt. The bus doors opened, and Marissa was able to board the bus. She sat next to Claire to thank her. “Thank you so much, my Dad would’ve killed me if I missed the bus,” Marissa said short-breathed due to the run to get on the bus. Claire didn’t respond, she reached out and held Marissa’s hand until they got to school. Marissa thought this was a normal thing, so she went on with her day. During recess, Marissa located Claire on the monkey bars and walked up to her. “Do you want to hang out after school?” Claire asked Marissa. “Yes!” Marissa responded with excitement. The school day ended, and Marissa and Claire walk up to Marissa’s mom that is waiting to take Marissa back home. “Can Marissa come over to my house?” asked Claire to Marissa’s mom. Her mom was happy to see Marissa is making friends, so she didn’t have a problem with it. They arrived at her place and Claire introduced Marissa to her mom. “Hey mom, this is my new friend, Marissa,” Claire said. Claire and Marissa kissed before her mother could say anything. “That’s how you are supposed to love boys,” Claire’s mom responded. Marissa remembers this moment because this is her first sign of being bisexual.

Olivia Waring, “A bisexual symbol featuring an alternative infinity symbol and a ring”, April 2018, all rights reserved.

As Marissa grew older, she started facing some problems. One problem was trying to date people. During her freshman year of high school, she dated a guy named John. By this point in her life, mostly everyone knew she was bisexual. She and John would always go on dates, and while she was on a date with John, she made some comment about being bisexual, John never knew. He made a huge deal about the situation. He said, “I have to compete with both guys and girls. You will cheat on me with both people, I cannot let you have friends because of it.” (5:54) After this situation, John broke up with Marissa. John did not accept Marissa for who she was. The hardest part about being in a relationship as a bisexual person, as Marissa puts it, is going through a spectrum. The spectrum consists of being equally attracted to the same sex. After this moment with John, Marissa was hesitant to tell others about her sexuality, or that would be the first sentence she would say to others when they first meet. Another problem Marissa faced was her parents knowing she was bisexual. Growing up her parents thought it would be just a phase, that she would grow out of it. Her father had never accepted it. He would completely ignore it when he was around her, or even sometimes he would make fun about it to her sister. “… you’re the only one I have hope for.” (7:54) Marissa wasn’t held to the same expectation as her brother. Her brother was gay, but her father was more homophobic towards him because he expected a son that “played football, did masculine things, and was great with girls.” (10:34) Being a male, I can relate to her father wanting his child to be masculine. My father expects the same from me. On the other hand, her mother accepted her sexuality. She made Marissa feel like she could do what she wanted and not judge her for it. Coming from someone who isn’t bisexual, it would be hard growing up bisexual having someone as close as your father making fun about it. Another problem Marissa faced was telling other females about her sexuality. Girls nowadays are more friendly with each other. After Marissa told almost all her female friends that she was bisexual, they would go through a weird phase. They would often say, “I would totally have sex with you” (3:20). That wasn’t the response she was expecting. Although they were supportive, it made Marissa feel uncomfortable because they were friends, not people she was attracted to. Being bisexual creates problems that you have to face and overcome.

Arzina Zaver, Social Media, August 2014, all rights reserved.

You cannot talk about sexuality without mentioning society and religion. Today, it is a cultural norm to be straight. There is a societal stigma around being bisexual because society does not want to have that label even though they express that feeling. This societal stigma can be compared to those stigmas in Nazi Germany. In an Anchor 214 lecture, professor Bergerson said German citizens were expected to follow the actions of other Nazi Germans. If you didn’t follow the actions of the others you will be questioned. This relates to being bisexual because if you don’t follow the others of being straight, you are going to get questioned. Media plays a huge rule in the social stigma of being bisexual. There are many celebrities and politicians that use their platform to say being apart of the LGBTQ is sinful. People that look up to those who have that view of sexuality would also develop that same view. Media also plays a role in this stigma by television shows. Marissa notices that television shows would show a character having a relationship with the same sex, but never say the word bisexual. Having media give it a name would make people more knowledgeable about being bisexual. It would show that being bisexual is not a bad thing. Bad things don’t always come from the media. Marissa says that it is becoming easier to come out because of people like Freddie Mercury. Freddie Mercury was a famous gay musician. Having celebrities come out helps others do the same because they would feel more comfortable saying it. Marissa states the LGBTQ community has grown over the previous years to the point where they can have a presence without fear. Having that media, they can project their voice and grow together. It is easier to come out when you see others doing the same. Religion also plays a huge role in how a person perceives sexuality. In most religions, being bisexual is a sin. Marissa believes that religion is the main reason people do not accept bisexuals. At a young age, parents start teaching their kids about religion, so their views of sexuality are quickly followed by their parents. Marissa was raised Catholic, and her father made it clear from the get-go. She never knew she would experience something like this. As I have never been in this situation, I can see how being Catholic and bisexual can create conflicts. Although your religion says that being bisexual is sinful, it does not mean you could disrespect others that have that sexuality. Marissa says that if she wasn’t bisexual, “it could’ve made things easier, but at the end of the day it hasn’t created enough of a problem where it made me feel like wow, I hate this, it is making me miserable. I am happy with it; it is a part of who I am.” (4:46)

Security in Identity

Dylan Manning is a nineteen-year-old college student majoring in history. He is a transgender male and identifies as gay (0:59). Dylan is also a good friend of mine whom I had the honor of interviewing about his identity as a transgender individual: his initial struggles, harassment, becoming comfortable with himself, and the issues he continues to face. We also briefly addressed the idea that victimizers sometimes harass other people because of their own insecurities.

I met Dylan at the beginning of my junior year of high school. He was in my history class that year, and I decided I should befriend him when I saw him wearing a Troye Sivan shirt on the first day of class. That impulsive decision to befriend a random guy in class based on the pop star on his t-shirt was a pretty good choice I’d say. Dylan and I laugh about practically everything which made interviewing him a bit of a challenge. I had to cut a lot of sarcastic comments and weird jokes out of the interview transcript because they had little to do with him telling his story of being transgender. However, the ability to laugh and joke with a dear friend throughout the interview made the project enjoyable for both of us.

Photo of Dylan and me from our junior year of high school (February 2017), by Maria E Starns,*All rights reserved.*

Dylan is a transgender male, and he was relatively early on in his transition when I met him. I have always been very aware of Dylan being transgender due to how vocal and authentic he is about himself. I have always admired him for that, but previous to this interview I had never had much of an in-depth conversation with Dylan about his journey with being trans. Our friendship made the interview interesting and personal. I built a better connection with a friend of mine, and I now have the opportunity to help share his story.

Photo of Dylan taken by me at Dylan’s 18th birthday party (October 2017),by Maria E Starns, All rights reserved.
Dylan and our friend Lillian Hilmes,by Maria E Starns, October 2017, All rights reserved.

Early in the interview, I asked Dylan how people initially responded to him being transgender. He said that his friends were generally very supportive (1:59). He did, however, go on to describe instances of harassment he has experienced. One of his friend’s parents actually came into his place of work and gave him trouble. They told him he was too feminine and would “never be a real guy” (3:04). Dylan said that he was just wearing his work uniform and didn’t know how he could have looked more masculine. He told me, “I don’t really know what they wanted me to do. You know, show up to work in cargo shorts?” (3:39). Dylan also described how being trans impacts his daily life. He said that it does not consciously impact him all that much, but it does impact him subconsciously.

It does have a subconscious impact on everything I do because I know that subconsciously I’m trying to make everyone view me very masculine. So, I’m very aware of body language and what I wear […] even though I’m not actively thinking about it a lot I know that it does impact all that I do (4:50).

Dylan described another time he felt particularly unwelcome. He was in a college preparatory program shortly after coming out. He explained that some of the other students in the program simply would not accept that he was trans, and they were being particularly nasty about it. They talked about Dylan behind his back, said that he was too feminine, and used “she” pronouns to describe him. In the interview, he laughed that one off and explained that he usually wore jeans and t-shirts to the program. He thought it was odd that they called him feminine when he dressed in a way that was not particularly gendered. He decided to report what was going on to the program director, but she dismissed the issue as insignificant. He said that she essentially had the mentality of “suck it up” (8:34).

When asked about his immediate reaction to the situation, he said that these hateful actions impacted him on a personal level.

It made me feel very scared and kind of doubtful of myself. Because like I said earlier it took me a really long time to admit to myself that I was trans. Because I didn’t want to experience all the bad stuff that I had heard trans people experience[…] meeting that first-hand experience was terrifying for me because it made me question my safety and […] want to go back into the closet even thought I knew that wasn’t the right decision to do because that would be awful for my mental health” (11:18).

Dylan said that he believes these people acted the way they did towards him because they were insecure about their own identities. He claimed that men with fragile masculinity are commonly the people who have problems with him being transgender. He believes this is because him being a transgender man forces other men to question what makes them men (10:44).

Dylan’s explanation reminded me of the theme in our class that victimizers are often trying to hide something about themselves. We studied the 1959 Eugene Ionesco play Rhinoceros that comments on the spread of Nazism through the metaphor of characters becoming rhinoceros. The character Beouf is never seen on stage but he is mentioned as the first person to become a rhinoceros. He was said to conform quickly as an attempt to hide an insecurity or questionable past. This situation in Rhinoceros is comparable to the guys who questioned Dylan’s masculinity because they were insecure about their own masculinity.

Photo from the interview, Screenshot taken
*by Maria E Starns,* February 2019, *All rights reserved.*

I also asked Dylan if he would have changed his minimal reaction to the situation given the opportunity. He said he would not have changed his reaction because he did not want to jeopardize his safety.

I always like to fantasize about being in that situation again and like telling them off and having one of those big movie stand up moments. But I don’t think I would actually do anything different because in those moments I didn’t say anything because I was unsafe […] I don’t think it would have been worth it if I reacted any other way (14:41).

I thought this subtly related to the theme of choices in our class. Dylan technically had the choice to fight back but he decided it was not worth it. His safety was more important than telling off a bully. Dylan’s situation differs from the idea of “choice-less choices” presented in our class because Dylan was able to make a good choice for his own safety and well-being. “Choice-less choices” refers to choices that victims have to make that will turn out poorly either way; neither choice is good in these situations.

When I asked Dylan about the hardest issue he still faces today, he mentioned the rejection of trans people from society in general. Inclusivity of the trans community is growing but there is still a general sense of taboo both socially and politically. That is especially true here in Missouri where Dylan lives. Our state lacks legal protections for LGBT individuals in housing, employment, and other public amenities. The ACLU supported Missouri Non-Discrimination Act (MONA) has been presented to the state legislature for more than 20 years in a row. MONA would ensure these legal protections to LGBT individuals but has yet to pass through the legislature (ACLU 2019). Dylan also used this opportunity to explain the fear and trouble of meeting new people.

I only really get nervous about me being trans when I meet new people because I know that not everyone is accepting, and I’m just sort of fearful that they’ll reject me or hurt me in some way […] it impacts a lot of the ways in which I interact with other people (16:24).

One of my favorite parts of the interview was when I asked Dylan what he had learned from being transgender. He took this as an opportunity to describe some of the more positive aspects of him being transgender. Dylan discussed the security he has in his identity and who he is as a result of being trans. Dylan said that if he was given the opportunity to change himself, he wouldn’t (6:55).

I feel like I have a security in my identity that a lot of cis people don’t have. Because I went through the process of questioning my gender and then coming out and then going through the process of accessing hormones and then changing my name. I’ve been through all of this stuff just to be who I really am […] It’s like a relieving experience to know who I am […] and I feel like a lot of people don’t get that experience (17:30).

Recent selfie taken by Dylan, February 2019, All rights reserved.

He also positively spoke of a therapy group for trans people he attends. He said that it’s “nice to be around people who get it” (8:05). He described this as a place where he feels particularly welcome. Despite the people who have put him down for who he is, Dylan has found security in himself.

Feeling Like Hawaii-versus-the-Continental-US

“In the second grade, I had a crush on a boy even though in the second grade you don’t know what love is or any of that…I kind of realized that being gay wasn’t normal and it wasn’t until the 8th grade that I was able to look into the mirror and say ‘I’m gay’”(2:16). I met Max our freshman year of high school when we were taking French classes together; it never seemed to bother me knowing that he is gay because that’s simply who he is. He never treated me a different way because of it in the sense that he received the same amount of respect that I received from him. To this day, Max and I are still close friends and have had a class together for two semesters now as freshmen in college. Max is the youngest child in his family and he has an interest in studying neuroscience. From a very young age, Max knew that he was gay, but it wasn’t until he was older that he realized that it is okay to be gay; he should be accepted not simply for being gay, but for who he is as a human being.

Benson Kua, The Gay Pride Flag, San Francisco, Wikimedia Commons, March 2019, Some Rights Reserved

Although his friends are fully aware and are accepting of him, one of his biggest issues was having a partner, or relationship per se, as “normal” people do. “It’s just very lonely. I remember at one point I described it to my friends as I felt like I was Hawaii, and the rest of the world is the continental US.” (3:40) Feeling like an outsider, just how the state of Hawaii is compared to the US, Max still had hope. While the gay community is very small in some places, Max knew that with patience and time would come the right guy for him. Luckily, Max has found someone who cares for him the way he does for his partner. They have been together for over a year now.

To this day, Max does come across certain events where he feels unwelcome or attacked. Recently, a few weeks ago, Max was scrolling through Facebook and came across an article that was shared by one of his friends regarding the idea of teaching LGBT history in public schools. Seeing who shared this article came to great a surprise for Max because he had known this person since they were both very young, since elementary school to be exact. Out of curiosity, Max decided to comment on this post to see her reasoning and understand her view point on the topic. “Somebody on Facebook actually told me that because I am gay, I should be stoned to death because that’s what it says in the bible. This was a person-I actually went to elementary school with them, I was actually really close friends with them; we kind of fell out of contact throughout high school and now all of a sudden they are directly telling me that I should be buried up to my neck and have people throw rocks at me.” (10:24) Max truly was not expecting a response like this, especially from someone who he used to consider a really good friend of his; he simply wanted to know why she had shared this post. “On this specific post it was about teaching LGBT history and she said that she wouldn’t want her kids to learn LGBT history and I was like ‘why?’ You know because it’s just history and it escalated to so much more…” (13:28). Max had noticed that her friends were supporting her views and proceeded to act like Max was not a human but as a target. “Why are you using my sexuality to define me as a whole person? Just treat me like a normal person, if you find out that I am gay or see me with my boyfriend, I hope that your attitude towards me doesn’t change at all.” (29:10) Social issues like this are still very present to this day and it happened to Max so unexpectedly. “I’m happy that I made as many people on Facebook aware of the situation that I could, that way people don’t forget that homophobia is still such a prevalent thing in America, you know? A lot of people think that it all ended when we got the right to marry but that’s just not true.” (18:26) For Max and the rest of the LGBTQ community, marriage is only the first step for having their voices heard.

After going through an event like this from a former friend, Max’s current and closest friends showed him their support and apologized for her actions. “It was nice to have their support but at the same time, their support only goes so far because they still don’t understand what it’s like to truly be in the position that I am.” (15:46) Being in the situation that Max was in isn’t a situation that everyone can easily relate to, having the support from his friends was kind and thoughtful but it still wasn’t enough to repair the damage that was done.

Many people in the LGBTQ community still have a hard time finding the right words to describe him or herself in a way that they will not feel ashamed or unwelcome by his or her family and friends. When I asked Max what advice he would give to others who are still trying to figure out when is the right time for him or her to “come out”, he said “Come out when you’re ready but don’t feel like it’s a bad thing…Also, don’t out other people because I have outed people before when I was younger and it’s something that I regret a lot. If you have just come out you might think ‘Oh it’s not a big deal, everyone should come out’ but you know not everybody is ready, so don’t try to push anybody out.” (26:41) Timing is very critical for each individual and each person does things differently. From Max’s advice, I learned that not everyone is in the same situation about their sexuality and that his or her choice and position needs to be respected at all times, especially in a sensitive topic like this.

No one deserves to feel hated or unwelcome simply because of who he or she is. This goes for all subject matter whether it’s because of his or her race, sexuality, or religion. Innocent people like this deserve to be treated as a person and most importantly as a human being who isn’t harming anyone.

Max has learned a lot about himself, the LGBTQ community, and about certain individuals themselves since the day that he confirmed the fact that he is gay. While at times he feels like an outsider like the state of Hawaii, he knows that he isn’t alone and that he has the care and support from the rest of the continental US. At only 18 years old, he is still learning what it is like to be gay and what baggage comes with it in a society that still isn’t 100% accepting of the LGBTQ community. “I want societies to realize that being gay is 100% natural. A lot of people use that unnatural argument that we shouldn’t allow or accept gay people because it’s unnatural…I just want people to be more accepting of the LGBT community. I mean it gets really annoying after a while.” (32:16) Through personal experiences and experiences from others, he hopes to bring more awareness to people he knows and other communities about how these situations truly need to be understood and handled.

Not My Definitive Label

In our junior year of high school, I became friends with my interviewee, CB. Through our friendship, I’ve gotten to know him foremost as someone who is enthusiastic, involved, and hardworking. Together, we navigated our difficult classes with late-night study sessions at Starbucks and memorable but amusing lab incidents. He had already become an important friend to me before I ever knew about his sexual orientation. As his friend, I knew he might have gone through some difficult times because of who he is, and I wanted to learn more about him. In this way, I could empathize with his experiences.

Kim Phan, Photo of CB, Kansas City, March 2019. All rights reserved.

During our interview when I asked, “what words do you use to name your difference?” (00:12) he responds in a blunt but joking voice, “Gay” (00:19).

CB elaborates: “I didn’t have like […] this bright rainbow that showed me like, gay. But, I don’t know, it just felt like it was always part of me” (00:46). When he found a name for how he was feeling, he says, “it was nice to realize that there were other people like that out there like me, that even though I wouldn’t be deemed normal by society […] I would still be accepted by some people somewhere” (30:24). It was also terrifying for him to realize that he belonged to “a demographic that’s persecuted against, and that people can use my quality of being a homosexual against me for no reason whatsoever” (30:24).

Although in recent years society has grown more accepting, regarding the LGBT community, less than a century ago homosexuals were victims of a systematic genocide known as the Holocaust. Nazis forced Jews to wear the yellow Star of David just as they labeled homosexuals with a pink triangle and eliminated them in death camps.

In the twenty-first century, CB faces different challenges. Growing up in a “white, middle-class, Republican family” (1:13) has made it difficult for him to express himself. Even now his parents won’t let him tell his extended family and because of this “I feel like I’ve been blocked from them kind of” (2:10).

Subtle interactions frame how CB sexuality affects his daily life, and overall, his anxiety stems from the risk that his sexual orientation will negatively impact him. He is anxious that the people he meets, especially superiors like teachers, might have a bad perception of homosexuality and will project that onto him (2:49). When he does tell people about being gay, “the first like five seconds of not only their verbal communication but their nonverbal communication tell you it all” (1:33). When he wants people to see him for who he is, as a good student and a good person, he worries that they aren’t going to accept him and will only see him as “just, gay” (2:10). And although he has never been physically persecuted, he does fear the possibility.

It was only towards the end of our senior year did I learn that he was gay. Honestly, up to that point, I never gave it much thought, and the possibility didn’t cross my mind. But once I learned about it, there was no reason for that fact to change our friendship. I felt like that was just a part of the CB I already knew, and I was glad that he trusted me enough to tell me.

Other friends have reacted differently. CB admits to wanting to change during high school in response to this, “I was in a group of friends, who I’m still friends with yes, who are, like my family, white, middle class […] they’re very strong Republicans. And, that’s not saying anything bad against them, it’s just everyone has their different views but, I’ve been friends with them all my life, and I’m still friends with them today” (5:06). Finding a more diverse friend group has helped CB destress, and during the interview, we laughed about how differently he acts around his separate peer groups.

“Look, our nerd friend group is probably like, one of my saving graces for my senior year, because it got me away from everything else, and you guys showed me like […] my friends don’t have to be assholes and I don’t have to hide myself” (6:07).

CB was involved in several extracurricular activities in high school, including cross-country. I remember driving to school for an early class at 6:30 when I would see him running with his teammates on the sidewalk. Now CB tells me that even though he loves running and being with a team, “one of the most, like stressful parts of my day is going to practice” (8:00). Although they never talked about it, he says that some people on his team either knew or suspected that he was gay. He could tell that some of those people were uncomfortable about it “Because I mean we’re all running around shirtless” (7:09). He never faced any serious verbal persecution, instead “Everything that I have like viewed as harmful or persecutive towards myself, has always been non-verbal or just in absent, where they just block me, basically. Or like ghost me and try not to […] come in contact with me” (8:36). In the case of his cross-country teammates, they would look at him differently and it “would just get really annoying and stressful” (8:00).

This ghosting is a kind of symbolic annihilation as opposed to a physical one. Those who don’t understand or think negatively about his difference chose to make him invisible to them, rather than confronting their views. Because of this, they don’t get to know him, and they never see past the label put on him.

According to CB, environmental factors and their upbringing are the reasons people act this way. Parents and peers had certain expectations for the social norm, so when it came to homosexuality, those with more traditional views “didn’t know how to react to it” (9:38). The topic was never discussed at home so when someone raised in that environment does meet a homosexual, “since they don’t know how to react to it, they just, automatically just think negatively” (10:25).

When faced with discrimination, CB chose not to associate himself with those people “because, there’s no point if they’re just going to harm you” (10:52). However, reflecting back, CB feels like he should have “been more upfront about it […] verbal with them, talk to them, not like accuse them of anything obviously, but like, just discuss with them rather than just what I did of just neglecting them” (11:36). He feels like he let those people get away with it and that they are going to act the same to another homosexual. Although he feels like he should have stopped it, he also thinks positively “that because I didn’t get furious and mad at them, and I didn’t accuse of anything […] I took the high road” (11:36).

In his group of friends, CB enjoys being able to think positively and cope by joking about tough things. In an environment where people don’t judge you, “it’s nice because you can focus on what you need to focus on, what you’re trying to get done, or trying to learn […] or just having a good time.” (13:15)

He is mad when he thinks about those of the LGBT community who face persecution, and it scares him knowing that it happens in other places across the world. If he were to travel somewhere like that, he wouldn’t know what to do since he’s lived in a fairly liberal city. For example, in southern America, a person would “have a completely different story […] because of the values down there” (15:48).

Today, CB still struggles with hiding from his siblings and extended family who are rural Republicans. He parents thought that telling them would destroy their family. CB doesn’t blame his extended family because “that’s what they’ve been taught, that’s what they’ve been exposed to.” (16:36) Although he wants to tell them, it scares him as to how to do that. He wonders if it would change the dynamic of their relationships. “That’s probably my biggest obstacle is just figuring out how to tell people who are really close to me.” (17:10)

CB wants people to know that “being gay is not my definitive label.” (21:02) Rather than respond positively or negatively to his sexuality, he “wouldn’t [want people to] to respond at all.” (19:35) He wants society to reach a point where it won’t matter if he tells people that he’s gay and he wouldn’t have to differentiate himself in that way. “I have a lot of different purposes in my life, and I’m a good person, and I do good things […] being in a homosexual community, isn’t, shouldn’t be a label for me and it isn’t a good thing and it isn’t a bad thing. It’s just me.” (21:51)