Wishing and praying.
Constantly pleading to God that he was something else.
He wanted to be what he was taught was right
So, with that he remained
Wishing and praying.
Hating himself for something he thought he could control,
But it seemed he had no choice.
Why was it wrong if he had no choice?
So, he kept
Wishing and praying.
Trying to hide what he was,
But everyone could tell.
He became bullied, and belittled
Wanting to stop it all from happening, because it must be his fault he thought.
So, he still kept on
Wishing and praying.
Like a caterpillar wishing to turn into a bird.
This was impossible for it wasn’t the caterpillars choice to be what he was,
Convinced he needed to change he kept
Wishing and praying.
His family and church taught that what he was wasn’t right.
That it was possible for the caterpillar to become a bird,
That there should be no caterpillars.
He tried and tried so much he hated himself,
Depressed and broken the caterpillar curled up and built up walls.
There defeated he once more was
Wishing and praying.
Time passed and the caterpillar decided that he needed to accept who he was.
As the caterpillar broke out of this self hate and depression,
He discovered that he had transformed into his true self.
Why had he ever wished and prayed for so long to be something he wasn’t?
He realized he now was a beautiful butterfly!
He had left behind the self hating, wishing, and praying caterpillar.
He loved himself now and that was all that mattered.
Finally free to spread his wings he didn’t care what others thought,
Their opinions were left beneath him.
Why had he ever been wishing and praying?
He was already something so wonderful.
This is a painting done by Ryan himself,
representing him finally expressing his true
colors and venturing out into the unknown.
All rights reserved to Ryan George.
I was inspired to write this poem the way I did because one of the things during Ryan’s interview that really made an impact on me was when he was talking about how he used to pray to God every night to make him straight. It is sad to know how he thought that he needed to be something that he wasn’t. Also, he thought that he wasn’t enough, which caused him to hate himself until he realized that he is amazing just the way he is and that there is nothing wrong with him. I didn’t mention how he was different literally in the poem because I want whoever reads this to be able to use their own interpretation so that it won’t only apply to those in the LGBTQ. This is because there are so many differences out there that I feel this poem should represent too, and by writing it the way I did anyone could identify with it. I used the simile of him being a caterpillar wanting to be a bird showing that what he wanted couldn’t happen because he wasn’t meant to be a bird or straight. This representation of his struggles was inspired by Maus by Art Spiegelman because he uses animals to represent the different kinds of people in his book. For my poem, I am using the birds to represent straight people, caterpillars to represent closeted LGBTQ people, and butterflies to represent people who accept themselves and feel free to be who they really are. The caterpillar in the poem is when Ryan was in that stage of hating and denying himself he hadn’t realized who he really was yet. When he said he would pray to god every night and that he was trying to hide from everyone that he was gay. This is why he turns into a butterfly to express that he is free now because he realizes who he truly is and that it is okay for him to express himself. After all, that time where he felt trapped inside because of the fear of what other people would think, Ryan was finally free to be who he was made to be.