For my narrative, I decided to use a bull as a metaphor for my friend Khair, who is African American. In the poem, the bull faces trouble from a parasite, who tries to influence him and take over his mind. In this, its a parallel to how my friend experienced racism from the men at the basketball court. At the court, the men would make comments about how Khair has more “natural hops” and how he’s “naturally more athletic” because of his skin color. To me, it sounds like the men were older and maybe that was just how they were raised. That to them, it was okay to say those things. However, my friend told me that the events at the basketball court rattled and changed his opinion of how black men are viewed in modern America, and how surprising it was to see how the older generation of white men viewed younger African Americans, and in general, and how somewhat attacking it was. My friend was dazed, but ultimately had to come to the conclusion that fighting back, and arguing about the situation would only lessen the view of African Americans in white men’s mind. So he decided to stay silent, and allow the men to say what they had to, knowing that in the future, things will be different with movements such as Black Lives Matter, and a new wave of progressive leaders.
How does one describe sound to a deaf person? Conversely, how does one that is deaf describe deafness to a hearing person? I have pondered these two questions all my life having grown up with someone that is almost entirely deaf. From birth, my brother has required a hearing aid to hear due to a developmental malformation of his ear canals. His deafness and awkward appearance has influenced him physically, socially, and spiritually.
My younger brother by one year, Jens Kenneth Benson, was born on February 18, 2000, at St. Luke’s Hospital in Kansas City, Missouri. As the receiving nurse inspected Jens in her arms, her eyes widened and smile inverted. “Call the neonatologist”, she whispered frantically.
In under a minute, Jens was ushered out of the room followed by a jolting slam of the door. Hours passed and the worry in my parents’ minds grew exponentially until a specialist came into the room for an urgent briefing.
“Susan, David, sorry to keep you waiting in this state. We have examined your son and become familiar with the situation.”
“Susan, I understand you are a doctor as well?”
“Yes, an orthopedic surgeon.”
“Splendid. You will be able to better understand what I am about to tell you. Your son has a malformation of his ears and canals. As you can see here, these are photos of his left and right ears:
Jonathan Benson, Jens’ left ear, Kansas City, February 2019, All Rights Reserved.
Jonathan Benson, Jens’ right ear, Kansas City, February 2019, All Rights Reserved.
On the outside, it appears that his left ear is less developed than the right. Inside, however, our X-rays have revealed to us that his ear canals are sealed shut. This means that sound cannot pass through the eardrum and be received by the cochlear nerve, the nerve that transmits auditory sensory information to the brain.”
As my father bowed his head in disbelief, my mother leaned forward with her last ounce of hope and asked, “Will my son ever hear?”
The specialist replied with a relieving smile, “I am glad you asked that, Dr. Bonar. Yes, however, he will require assistance via a hearing aid. We have multiple options for you to-”
“A hearing aid?” pondered my father.
“That’s right. We have multiple options for you to pursue, however, we recommend a non-invasive device starting out. Take a look here:
Jonathan Benson, Jens’ non-invasive, bone-conduction hearing aids, February 2019, All Rights Reserved.
These hearing aids allow him to hear via bone conduction. The hearing aids themselves receive audio signals from the air and convert those sounds into vibrations. They are pressed up against the skull via an elastic band around the head. This allows the devices to vibrate the skull, sending auditory information to the cochlear nerve, and then to the brain. Take these home so he can start wearing the hearing aids after two weeks time.”
My parents and the specialist shook hands. “God bless you,” my mother whispered with a relieving gasp and my father nodded in thanks.
Jonathan Benson, Jens’ at age 3, Kansas City, September 2003, All Rights Reserved.
Fast forward three years and my brother was surviving preschool. He had to wear a headband wrapped conspicuously around his head to hold his hearing aid in place. Classmates constantly made fun of his headband and mocked his hard of hearing.
One time, Jens and a few classmates waited outside the drop off zone for their rides home. “Hey Jens, are you gonna go home and play with your barbie dolls?” a classmate barked.
Jens did not hear. The classmate pushed him on the shoulder and raised his voice, “Hey Jens, I said are you gonna go home and play with your barbie dolls!”
“Wha-? Baby yogs? Hawwy and Kodak?” Jens faintly replied.
“BAR. BIE. DOLLS! Do you even speak english?”
“Jonathan and Jens! Over here!” my mother screamed from the circle drive.
I ran over to the car, swung my backpack into the back seat, and before I could get in she yelled, “Go get Jens. He’s over there. I don’t think he heard me.”
I heard chanting as I approached the scene, “Jens is a sissy girl! Jens is a sissy girl with a headband!”
His face was bright red and was crying, but turned back to normal when I nudged and told him, “Jens, mom is here. It’s time to go home.”
We both got into the car, relieved the day was over. “How was your day at school?” mom inquired.
My brother and I both let out a long, unenthusiastic, “Good.”
“What did you learn today?” she pondered.
I replied, “I made paper mache of dragons and learned about penguins in Antarctica-”
She directed her attention to Jens, “That sounds fun. Jens how about you?”
“Wha-?” Jens replied looking out of the window.
She raised her voice a little louder and looked into the rear-view mirror, “I said: ‘what did you learn today?’”
“I-I learned abou-I forgot. Baby yogs?” he said hesitantly.
“Baby dogs? Did you tell them about Harry and Kodiak?” she replies in disbelief. Harry and Kodiak were the names of our two pet dogs at the time.
“Yeah,” Jens responded with his eyes gazing upon the laughing children pointing fingers at him from outside the car.
Over the next few months, I would overhear my parents talking in their bedroom about Jens’ dire situation. Jens’ current hearing aid was not loud enough for him to hear anything quieter than a shout and my parents were desperate to prevent him from getting held back in school. One night, they were both elated. “I received word back from a doctor that will take our case,” whispered my father.
I could hear my mother jump out of bed and, above a whisper, say, “Oh Jesus, tell me, who?”
“His name is Dr. Niparko from Johns Hopkins up in Baltimore. He specializes in otoneurology and can fix Jens’ hearing for good.” he replies.
“For good? How?” she shoots back.
My father explains in detail, “He says he will have to implant osseointegrated screws into the skull on both sides of the head that will connect to hearing aids. The hearing aids will receive the sound, the screws will vibrate the skull, and then the cochlear nerves will pick up the vibrations. He will be able to hear at the level of a normal child.”
My mother tears in her eyes jumped back into the bed, “Thank God. How soon can we see him?”
Jonathan Benson, Jens’ osseointegrated screw, Kansas City, February 2019, All Rights Reserved.
My father and brother flew out to Baltimore for an appointment within a month and had the procedure done within two. Over the next few years, his hearing drastically improved. His speaking and learning ability returned to their normal levels for a child of his age and he no longer had to wear a headband.
Jens’ social battle with his malformation was far from over. Maturing as an individual, his malformed ears and deafness affected his every choice and related circumstance (6:38). Over the years spanning middle school and high school, he slowly became more introverted and antisocial. He switched many schools and was even held back one year in need of smaller classrooms and special tutoring to compensate for his special condition (1:37). Physically, he started growing his hair out down past his malformed ears in order to appear normal to the outside world. His self-esteem slowly descended with time and by freshman year of high school, he was spending the majority of his days in refuge behind a harmless computer screen in a quiet bedroom.
In contrast to my brother’s disability, my ears were my prized possession. I was an avid guitar player and was playing bass guitar for my high school’s jazz band and pit orchestra. Our disparities and lack of understanding of one another constantly triggered arguments between us two. Below is one instance of our arguments.
I was 17, a sophomore, and my brother 16, a freshman. We were both attending the same high school at the time; however, my brother was struggling with grades and was in the process of transferring to a smaller school. I regretfully remember saying something like this to him, “You’re an idiot. Transferring schools will look terrible on your transcript. I mean, what did you expect? You literally just sit in your room, never cut your hair, and play video games all day. You need to man the f**k up and come out of the closet for once.”
He replied with stray eyes, “You wouldn’t understand.”
I argued back, “Are you f**king kidding me? I put in the work. I made straight A’s and B’s on top of playing multiple sports AND working a part-time job on the weekends.”
The conversation ended with him mumbling, “It’s easier for you, and you wouldn’t understand.”
Overhearing our shouting, my father later that night sat with me in the living room with a baseball game on the TV. “Why were you shouting at Jens earlier?” inquired my dad under the dim light.
“Because he is lazy and is about to make a big mistake transferring schools.” I shot back with disgust.
“He’s not transferring schools because he is lazy.” he explained.
I tested him, “Oh, is that so? When was the last time he came out of his room or cut his hair or got a job? I can’t remember.”
He then repeated the same thing Jens always said, “It’s easier for you. You wouldn’t understand.”
I threw up my arms and argued, “Everybody says that. It’s a cliche. He’s just hiding from his problems instead of facing them, and that’s going to bite him in the arse one day.”
He then laid it all out, “Jonathan, he’s transferring schools because he can’t hear inside large classrooms with all of the background noise. It’s not because he’s lazy. And you were making fun of his hair? Give me a break. You know why he grows out his hair, right?”
At that moment, I successfully predicted what he was about to say in my mind, “He grows out his hair in order to hide his malformed ears,”
He went on, “That’s right. He’s your brother and his brother is the last person he needs making fun of him. It’s about time you hear me out for once.”
I thought a lot about that late night conversation with my dad. He was right. I did not understand because I have two perfectly working ears and a normal body that I do not have to worry about on a “nanosecond” basis (6:38). As a perfectly normal individual by society’s standards, I was able to work and be successful without any special accommodations. In Jens’ case, his disability made it almost impossible for him to find a suitable job or school that would accommodate his disability. In other words, Jens was not hiding from the world, the world was hiding from him.
At the time of writing this narrative, I am enrolled in a class studying Nazi Occupied Europe and the Holocaust. Upon analyzing my brother’s testimony, I have drawn many parallels between my brother and the victims of the Nazis leading up to and during World War II. Hitler’s ethnic cleansing of Germany and Europe not only targeted Jews, but also non-Aryan ethnicities, homosexuals, and the disabled. Just as these people were deemed unfit to work by the Nazis, Jens has also been denied several jobs by society today. He explained that he had to cross out many of his top career paths due to the inadequate level of accommodation available for his disability (10:07). The less tolerant a society is of certain people, the closer it is to committing mass atrocities like the Holocaust by Nazi Germany. Therefore, it is important for a society to adequately accommodate those less fortunate and strive to be more inclusive.
Today I am elated to see Jens thriving. He is now in his senior year at Accelerated Schools of Overland Park, a school that specializes in teaching kids with various disabilities. Not only is he making great grades, but he also has many friends, and holds a part-time job on the weekends. The most memorable part of the interview for me was when he told me that even though his deafness cripples him physically, it strengthens his character and teaches him how to be a better person (23:41).
Jonathan Benson, Portrait of Jonathan and Jens, Kansas City, February 2019, All Rights Reserved.
Imagine being an 8-year-old kid and being so thirsty that you can’t stop drinking water and it physically hurts to drink that much water. Well, this is what happened to a friend of mine, Zach Littell. His story is much different than mine. In terms of race and able-bodiedness, Zach has gone through life with being Type 1 Diabetic and has faced many challenges in his job to move up because of his diabetes.
Debora Rodriguez, Portrait of Zach Littell, Grain Valley MO, March 2019, All rights reserved.
I had the pleasure to see Zach on March 1st when my husband invited him out to eat dinner with us and catch up. We hadn’t seen Zach since our wedding day, so it was nice to get together to talk. As we talked, I could hear a growing frustration in his voice when he started to talk about his diabetes and how it has been impacting his life differently.
Zach has Type 1 diabetes which is also referred to as juvenile diabetes where it most often happens in kids and where there is a complete absence of insulin in the body. This is often confused with Type 2 diabetes where it can be hereditary or brought on by different medications where it hurts your pancreas and causes trouble with your pancreas producing insulin. It can also be where you have an unhealthy diet, excess weight, and a lack of exercise and don’t take care of your body so your pancreas cannot produce enough insulin to keep you going. Zach also described Type 2 diabetes to me where he said, “Type 2 diabetes, there are two types of type 2 diabetes, there’s the first kind which is hereditary and there’s the second kind when you get fat and don’t take care of yourself or don’t have to technically be fat or you just don’t take care of yourself, you eat too much sugar and then your body can’t produce enough insulin.” (09:30)
I was curious to hear about Zach’s frustration with his diabetes since he’s had it for 15 years now. Zach works for FedEx fixing tractor trailers and he also works for UPS as an hourly warehouse worker under the union Teamsters where he gets his great health insurance. He explained to me that he cannot move up in his job unless he has a CDL (commercial drivers license) and he cannot get one because of his diabetes. While we were talking Zach said, “I talked to my doctor and she said that she would clear me to pass a DOT physical so I can get a CDL but said I can’t go low as much as I do because I go low fairly often but my body handles lows a lot better than it does being high, like I’ve talked to other people and they say: ‘oh when I’m at 50 I can’t—I can’t walk, can’t move, I just sit there and see stars and stuff.’ And that doesn’t affect me in that way. I’ve gone down to below 20 before and the meter actually says below 20 because it’s too low for it to read and most people pass out and die if they get their blood sugar that low and I was like—70%-60% there, and I was able to get myself food and eat and everything” (03:46). From Zach’s viewpoint, he believes that he handles his diabetes better than others and feels he would be okay doing the job.
I then asked him, “So you’re thinking maybe even the way that the CDL is tested is maybe not right or should be changed?” (04:20). He responded with saying, “I think it just depends on the individual and for sure yes I need my blood sugar to be better but it is extremely hard to get it better because right now, I work 60 hours and I don’t exercise but if I could get a job and only work 40 hours a week then I would have time to exercise” (04:20). Zach is unable to get his CDL (commercial driver’s license) because his diabetes has restricted him to do so.
Zach’s job at UPS gives him amazing health insurance to cover his medications and medical equipment for his diabetes. At one point, Zach pulled out his diabetes kit and picked up his insulin and said, “$120” (12:38). He then picked up his test strips and said, “Test strips. Each one of these costs $1.75. They can only be used once. I check my blood 8 to 12 times a day so that’s almost 20 to 25 bucks a day, but I’m fortunate enough that I go fill my 3-month prescriptions and it’s like $5,000 and I pay $0 because I have great health insurance” (12:38). That was a powerful moment because the harsh reality is that not many people are fortunate enough to have this great of health insurance. Even if someone has semi-good health insurance, they still may be paying thousands for diabetic medication and equipment they need in order to survive.
Debora Rodriguez, Zach Littell’s Diabetes Kit, Grain Valley MO, March 2019, All rights reserved.
In addition to this, Zach talks about a very big problem that is happening right now in our society. He goes on to say, “Pharmaceutical companies take extreme advantage of people with diseases that require them to go to the pharmacy and buy drugs so they can live, so the pharmaceutical companies jack the price up astronomically high and they do it because they can and no one’s stopping them. There’s only a couple manufacturers that produce insulin so they have a monopoly or oligopoly and they have a captive audience so they can charge whatever they want” (11:56). Pharmaceutical companies try to take advantage of people because this medication is a necessity for the survival of diabetics.
Debora Rodriguez, NovoLog® Insulin, Grain Valley MO, March 2019, All rights reserved.
In my class: Nazi-Occupied Europe & The Holocaust, we talked in our lectures about the T4 Program. It was also called the T4 Euthanasia Program, camouflaged by the Nazis to kill incurably, physically or mentally disabled, emotionally distraught, and elderly people. These people were murdered by way of gas delivered by specially-outfitted vans. This was done before the liquidation of the Jews began. The Nazis essentially experimented with both how to kill large numbers of people most efficiently and how the general public (and the people doing the killing) would react (Bergerson, Levy NOE, SP2019).
As I was talking to Zach, I asked him, “Before you were diagnosed, was there ever a time that you thought you were diabetic?” (14:46). He responded by telling me a lot of interesting stories from his childhood. One of the stories that he told me went like this: “I didn’t even know what diabetes was at that age but I remember like two days before I got diagnosed we came back from a barbecue place, I got home and I drank so much water because I was so thirsty that my stomach like it painfully hurt like it hurt, it really hurt, and the reason this happens with diabetes is because the water won’t go into your cells without insulin so the water goes straight through you instead of going into your cells and your cells are so dehydrated so you’re just peeing it out two minutes later” (17:13). This story really stuck out to me because I learned that there are more symptoms of diabetes than just having low blood sugar and fainting. Other symptoms of diabetes that many people do not know about include excessive thirst, frequent urination, sudden weight loss, and weakness. Many people in our society don’t have a clear understanding of what diabetes truly is and the symptoms that come along with it. We as a society need to be more informative so we are able to help others if we notice these symptoms.
Another story that really surprised me was when Zach said, “Oh another funny story, this was the summer that I got diagnosed and I woke up in the middle of the night and I really had to pee, so I went into the bathroom and could not find the toilet, the toilet was not there, so I climbed out the window onto the roof and the roof is pretty flat so its something you can walk on, so I climbed to the edge of the roof and I peed off the end of the roof. It turned out that my blood sugar was really, really, really high” (19:04). To be an 8 or 9-year-old child and have your blood sugar so high that you hallucinate that your toilet isn’t there and your only option is to urinate off the roof is unbelievable. After being diagnosed, Zach then knew the reason why this happened. He started taking the medication that was prescribed to him and was able to not have these hallucinations anymore. Zach now knows as an adult how to take his diabetes medication when needed responsibly. This is why not being able to move up in a job, because of his diabetes, frustrates him so much because he knows that he is capable of doing the job and take care of his diabetes.
Before Zach left, I asked him, “Do you fear that UPS will ever take away your insurance?”(20:15), and this is a really important question because if he doesn’t have this amazing insurance then he would have to be ridiculous amounts of money to be able to get the medication he needs to live. Zach not being able to move up in his job because he can’t get a CDL is worrisome because he feels trapped. He is trying to find a job that he likes and can succeed in but will also cover his diabetes equipment and medication. Zach answered by saying, “No because UPS is Union and Teamsters is the largest labor union in North America so they have a substantial amount of poll plus UPS is a good company to work for and they take excellent care of their employees so you have a company that wants to take care of its employees in a union that wants to make sure its member are happy so I really don’t fear that”(20:17). Zach is the type of person that is a very hard worker and knows that he is very fortunate to have people around him that support him and love him like his family and friends and will keep encouraging him throughout his journey in life as a diabetic.
Marissa Daisy woke up to the smell of a rainy morning in Kansas City, Missouri. She smelled her mother cooking breakfast while getting ready for the first day of 3rd grade. Marissa was starving. She walked to the kitchen to greet her mother, but more importantly, eat. As she was eating, she combed her hair and got dressed, but she was going to miss the bus. “Don’t forget your backpack!” shouted her mother as Marissa walked out the door. Marissa saw that the bus about to leave the bus stop, so she started shouting and jumping towards the bus driver. Claire, another student on the bus, hurried to the front to tell the bus driver to wait. Marissa noticed the squeaky bus come to a halt. The bus doors opened, and Marissa was able to board the bus. She sat next to Claire to thank her. “Thank you so much, my Dad would’ve killed me if I missed the bus,” Marissa said short-breathed due to the run to get on the bus. Claire didn’t respond, she reached out and held Marissa’s hand until they got to school. Marissa thought this was a normal thing, so she went on with her day. During recess, Marissa located Claire on the monkey bars and walked up to her. “Do you want to hang out after school?” Claire asked Marissa. “Yes!” Marissa responded with excitement. The school day ended, and Marissa and Claire walk up to Marissa’s mom that is waiting to take Marissa back home. “Can Marissa come over to my house?” asked Claire to Marissa’s mom. Her mom was happy to see Marissa is making friends, so she didn’t have a problem with it. They arrived at her place and Claire introduced Marissa to her mom. “Hey mom, this is my new friend, Marissa,” Claire said. Claire and Marissa kissed before her mother could say anything. “That’s how you are supposed to love boys,” Claire’s mom responded. Marissa remembers this moment because this is her first sign of being bisexual.
Olivia Waring, “A bisexual symbol featuring an alternative infinity symbol and a ring”, April 2018, all rights reserved.
As Marissa grew older, she started facing some problems. One problem was trying to date people. During her freshman year of high school, she dated a guy named John. By this point in her life, mostly everyone knew she was bisexual. She and John would always go on dates, and while she was on a date with John, she made some comment about being bisexual, John never knew. He made a huge deal about the situation. He said, “I have to compete with both guys and girls. You will cheat on me with both people, I cannot let you have friends because of it.” (5:54) After this situation, John broke up with Marissa. John did not accept Marissa for who she was. The hardest part about being in a relationship as a bisexual person, as Marissa puts it, is going through a spectrum. The spectrum consists of being equally attracted to the same sex. After this moment with John, Marissa was hesitant to tell others about her sexuality, or that would be the first sentence she would say to others when they first meet. Another problem Marissa faced was her parents knowing she was bisexual. Growing up her parents thought it would be just a phase, that she would grow out of it. Her father had never accepted it. He would completely ignore it when he was around her, or even sometimes he would make fun about it to her sister. “… you’re the only one I have hope for.” (7:54) Marissa wasn’t held to the same expectation as her brother. Her brother was gay, but her father was more homophobic towards him because he expected a son that “played football, did masculine things, and was great with girls.” (10:34) Being a male, I can relate to her father wanting his child to be masculine. My father expects the same from me. On the other hand, her mother accepted her sexuality. She made Marissa feel like she could do what she wanted and not judge her for it. Coming from someone who isn’t bisexual, it would be hard growing up bisexual having someone as close as your father making fun about it. Another problem Marissa faced was telling other females about her sexuality. Girls nowadays are more friendly with each other. After Marissa told almost all her female friends that she was bisexual, they would go through a weird phase. They would often say, “I would totally have sex with you” (3:20). That wasn’t the response she was expecting. Although they were supportive, it made Marissa feel uncomfortable because they were friends, not people she was attracted to. Being bisexual creates problems that you have to face and overcome.
Arzina Zaver, Social Media, August 2014, all rights reserved.
You cannot talk about sexuality without mentioning society and religion. Today, it is a cultural norm to be straight. There is a societal stigma around being bisexual because society does not want to have that label even though they express that feeling. This societal stigma can be compared to those stigmas in Nazi Germany. In an Anchor 214 lecture, professor Bergerson said German citizens were expected to follow the actions of other Nazi Germans. If you didn’t follow the actions of the others you will be questioned. This relates to being bisexual because if you don’t follow the others of being straight, you are going to get questioned. Media plays a huge rule in the social stigma of being bisexual. There are many celebrities and politicians that use their platform to say being apart of the LGBTQ is sinful. People that look up to those who have that view of sexuality would also develop that same view. Media also plays a role in this stigma by television shows. Marissa notices that television shows would show a character having a relationship with the same sex, but never say the word bisexual. Having media give it a name would make people more knowledgeable about being bisexual. It would show that being bisexual is not a bad thing. Bad things don’t always come from the media. Marissa says that it is becoming easier to come out because of people like Freddie Mercury. Freddie Mercury was a famous gay musician. Having celebrities come out helps others do the same because they would feel more comfortable saying it. Marissa states the LGBTQ community has grown over the previous years to the point where they can have a presence without fear. Having that media, they can project their voice and grow together. It is easier to come out when you see others doing the same. Religion also plays a huge role in how a person perceives sexuality. In most religions, being bisexual is a sin. Marissa believes that religion is the main reason people do not accept bisexuals. At a young age, parents start teaching their kids about religion, so their views of sexuality are quickly followed by their parents. Marissa was raised Catholic, and her father made it clear from the get-go. She never knew she would experience something like this. As I have never been in this situation, I can see how being Catholic and bisexual can create conflicts. Although your religion says that being bisexual is sinful, it does not mean you could disrespect others that have that sexuality. Marissa says that if she wasn’t bisexual, “it could’ve made things easier, but at the end of the day it hasn’t created enough of a problem where it made me feel like wow, I hate this, it is making me miserable. I am happy with it; it is a part of who I am.” (4:46)
Dylan Manning is a nineteen-year-old college student majoring in history. He is a transgender male and identifies as gay (0:59). Dylan is also a good friend of mine whom I had the honor of interviewing about his identity as a transgender individual: his initial struggles, harassment, becoming comfortable with himself, and the issues he continues to face. We also briefly addressed the idea that victimizers sometimes harass other people because of their own insecurities.
I met Dylan at the beginning of my
junior year of high school. He was in my history class that year, and I decided
I should befriend him when I saw him wearing a Troye Sivan shirt on the first
day of class. That impulsive decision to befriend a random guy in class based on
the pop star on his t-shirt was a pretty good choice I’d say. Dylan and I laugh
about practically everything which made interviewing him a bit of a challenge.
I had to cut a lot of sarcastic comments and weird jokes out of the interview
transcript because they had little to do with him telling his story of being
transgender. However, the ability to laugh and joke with a dear friend
throughout the interview made the project enjoyable for both of us.
Photo of Dylan and me from our junior year of high school (February 2017), by Maria E Starns,All rights reserved.
Dylan is a transgender male, and he
was relatively early on in his transition when I met him. I have always been
very aware of Dylan being transgender due to how vocal and authentic he is
about himself. I have always admired him for that, but previous to this
interview I had never had much of an in-depth conversation with Dylan about his
journey with being trans. Our friendship made the interview interesting and
personal. I built a better connection with a friend of mine, and I now have the
opportunity to help share his story.
Photo of Dylan taken by me at Dylan’s 18th birthday party (October 2017),by Maria E Starns, All rights reserved.
Dylan and our friend Lillian Hilmes,by Maria E Starns, October 2017, All rights reserved.
Early in the interview, I asked Dylan how people initially responded to him being transgender. He said that his friends were generally very supportive (1:59). He did, however, go on to describe instances of harassment he has experienced. One of his friend’s parents actually came into his place of work and gave him trouble. They told him he was too feminine and would “never be a real guy” (3:04). Dylan said that he was just wearing his work uniform and didn’t know how he could have looked more masculine. He told me, “I don’t really know what they wanted me to do. You know, show up to work in cargo shorts?” (3:39). Dylan also described how being trans impacts his daily life. He said that it does not consciously impact him all that much, but it does impact him subconsciously.
It does have a subconscious impact on everything I do because I know that subconsciously I’m trying to make everyone view me very masculine. So, I’m very aware of body language and what I wear […] even though I’m not actively thinking about it a lot I know that it does impact all that I do (4:50).
Dylan described another time he felt particularly unwelcome. He was in a college preparatory program shortly after coming out. He explained that some of the other students in the program simply would not accept that he was trans, and they were being particularly nasty about it. They talked about Dylan behind his back, said that he was too feminine, and used “she” pronouns to describe him. In the interview, he laughed that one off and explained that he usually wore jeans and t-shirts to the program. He thought it was odd that they called him feminine when he dressed in a way that was not particularly gendered. He decided to report what was going on to the program director, but she dismissed the issue as insignificant. He said that she essentially had the mentality of “suck it up” (8:34).
When asked about his immediate
reaction to the situation, he said that these hateful actions impacted him on a
personal level.
It made me feel very scared and kind of doubtful of myself. Because like I said earlier it took me a really long time to admit to myself that I was trans. Because I didn’t want to experience all the bad stuff that I had heard trans people experience[…] meeting that first-hand experience was terrifying for me because it made me question my safety and […] want to go back into the closet even thought I knew that wasn’t the right decision to do because that would be awful for my mental health” (11:18).
Dylan said that he believes these
people acted the way they did towards him because they were insecure about
their own identities. He claimed that men with fragile masculinity are commonly
the people who have problems with him being transgender. He believes this is
because him being a transgender man forces other men to question what makes
them men (10:44).
Dylan’s explanation reminded me of the theme in our class that victimizers are often trying to hide something about themselves. We studied the 1959 Eugene Ionesco playRhinoceros that comments on the spread of Nazism through the metaphor of characters becoming rhinoceros. The character Beouf is never seen on stage but he is mentioned as the first person to become a rhinoceros. He was said to conform quickly as an attempt to hide an insecurity or questionable past. This situation in Rhinoceros is comparable to the guys who questioned Dylan’s masculinity because they were insecure about their own masculinity.
Photo from the interview, Screenshot taken by Maria E Starns, February 2019, All rights reserved.
I also asked Dylan if he would have
changed his minimal reaction to the situation given the opportunity. He said he
would not have changed his reaction because he did not want to jeopardize his
safety.
I always like to fantasize about being in that situation again and like telling them off and having one of those big movie stand up moments. But I don’t think I would actually do anything different because in those moments I didn’t say anything because I was unsafe […] I don’t think it would have been worth it if I reacted any other way (14:41).
I thought this subtly related to the
theme of choices in our class. Dylan technically had the choice to fight back
but he decided it was not worth it. His safety was more important than telling
off a bully. Dylan’s situation differs from the idea of “choice-less choices”
presented in our class because Dylan was able to make a good choice for his own
safety and well-being. “Choice-less choices” refers to choices that victims
have to make that will turn out poorly either way; neither choice is good in
these situations.
When I asked Dylan about the hardest issue he still faces today, he mentioned the rejection of trans people from society in general. Inclusivity of the trans community is growing but there is still a general sense of taboo both socially and politically. That is especially true here in Missouri where Dylan lives. Our state lacks legal protections for LGBT individuals in housing, employment, and other public amenities. The ACLU supported Missouri Non-Discrimination Act (MONA) has been presented to the state legislature for more than 20 years in a row. MONA would ensure these legal protections to LGBT individuals but has yet to pass through the legislature (ACLU 2019). Dylan also used this opportunity to explain the fear and trouble of meeting new people.
I only really get nervous about me being trans when I meet new people because I know that not everyone is accepting, and I’m just sort of fearful that they’ll reject me or hurt me in some way […] it impacts a lot of the ways in which I interact with other people (16:24).
One of my favorite parts of the interview was when I asked Dylan what he had learned from being transgender. He took this as an opportunity to describe some of the more positive aspects of him being transgender. Dylan discussed the security he has in his identity and who he is as a result of being trans. Dylan said that if he was given the opportunity to change himself, he wouldn’t (6:55).
I feel like I have a security in my identity that a lot of cis people don’t have. Because I went through the process of questioning my gender and then coming out and then going through the process of accessing hormones and then changing my name. I’ve been through all of this stuff just to be who I really am […] It’s like a relieving experience to know who I am […] and I feel like a lot of people don’t get that experience (17:30).
Recent selfie taken by Dylan, February 2019, All rights reserved.
He also positively spoke of a therapy group for trans people he attends. He said that it’s “nice to be around people who get it” (8:05). He described this as a place where he feels particularly welcome. Despite the people who have put him down for who he is, Dylan has found security in himself.
This year I began college at the University of Missouri. Coming from a small farm town to Kansas City, Missouri, was a dramatic change. I wanted to get the most I could out of this new chapter of my life, so I joined groups that sparked my interest. I joined a women’s Christian sorority on campus called Gamma Alpha Lambda, and there I met Juliana Chi.
I had known Juliana for only a short period of time before I had the chance to sit down with her to enjoy a much deeper conversation. She is genuinely one of the kindest people I have ever met. In addition, she is incredibly open to letting me share her story with my current class that is focusing on diversity. We also managed to dive deeper during our conversation on how America as a society is settling for cultural ignorance, and how others may share these same experiences in a predominantly white American culture today.
Juliana’s mother immigrated to the United States about thirty years ago. Juliana is the only one of her siblings to be born and raised in Kansas City. Juliana’s family places its strongest ties with Panamanian culture; however, her grandfather is Chinese. Juliana went back to Panama with her family to finish her junior and senior year of high school. Once she graduated she was admitted to the University of Missouri as a French major. I asked Juliana to tell me things she has experienced in her life that have impacted her in regards to culture.
“Juliana and her father performing a Folkloric Panamanian traditional dance,” date unknown, All rights reserved.
Juliana had an overall enjoyable childhood. Her first memory of ever feeling like something set her apart from others in her community was when she displayed a Folkloric Panamanian traditional dance at her school talent show with her father around kindergarten or first grade. “I just felt like people or kids would think it was weird and so I just remember feeling so embarrassed about it,” she recalled (2:08). It was a dance her mother found joy in as well as herself, but while performing it in front of a majority of people that did not have her same background of knowledge or culture, she felt like an outsider. Her teachers praised her, however, she still felt insecure about the inner conflicts she kept inside.
“Traditional Panamanian foods,” date unknown, all rights reserved.
Juliana’s friends and peers did not always understand why she did things differently from them. People were not intentionally making comments that made her feel separated from the crowd, but rather the cultural divide of understanding between her and her American friends. These differences often became apparent when Juliana would bring lunches to school, have friends over, or have exceptionally different rules to follow set by her parents. “I definitely had experiences like at school where I would bring food from home, and kids would be confused, it wasn’t the traditional Wonder Bread sandwich,” (6:19). Juliana explained how her mother was an amazing cook who made sure everyone ate home-cooked foods that often originated from Panama. Peers at Juliana’s school were befuddled when Juliana brought dishes like seafood soup or rice and beans to school (6:43). Understandably, it made Juliana feel out of place.
As Juliana faced these inner self-conflicts, she did her best to make herself “Latina enough” or “American enough” depending on who she was around. For example, she would do her best to not mention things that were related to her Latin culture around her American friends, and vice versa with her Latina friends. If her friends came over she would be nervous when her mother slipped up on her English or if she made a Panamanian dish that her friends thought was weird. Juliana explained that even though it was a challenge, she found friendships in high school with people who could relate to her. Even though they didn’t share her exact same cultural background, they knew what it was like to have so many different roots. “There’s a beauty to that kind of relationship,” (8:35).
“Juliana in a traditional Panamanian dress,” Date unknown, All rights reserved.
Juliana then made a point that our society should focus on today, just because you don’t grow up somewhere, doesn’t mean that’s not where you find your identity. Wherever you feel most comfortable, that’s where you should be able to say you are from without any backlash. I stated before that my class focuses on diversity, but we are also deeply centered on the history of the Holocaust. One of our assignments was to watch the film Jud Suss, directed by Viet Harlan, a film used as Nazi propaganda against the Jews. In a portion towards the beginning of the film, the Jewish antagonist, Joseph Oppenheimer, tells a beautiful young German woman, “I do not have a home, the world is my home,” (Jud Suss, Veit Harlan, 1940, 14:10-14:22). This was a stereotype emphasized by the phrase “wandering Jew” that Nazi Germany used to tell others that the Jews do not have a home because they do not belong anywhere. However, having one place that you call home does not encompass your entire identity, wherever you feel at home and what feels right in relation to who you are is all that matters.
“Juliana in another traditional Panamanian dress,” Date unknown, All rights reserved.
Juliana explained that for the most part, she has not had many outstanding circumstances of discrimination or feeling as though people were against her for who she is. However, she had one incident she will always remember. She was working for a shoe store in Kansas City and had just put her two weeks notice in. The store had just received a new manager, and that day he was showing around a new employee. Everything was fine until he decided to introduce the two, “Her name is Juliana or WHO-liana? Whatever, however you say it in Panamanian,” her boss explained. Juliana replied, “It’s actually Spanish but okay,” (19:44). The manager then told the new employee Juliana was leaving them by saying, “Yeah her visa’s ending,” (20:34). Juliana found his comment hurtful and she was overall taken aback. When she said she was actually born in America, he acted surprised. This kind of ignorance is exactly what needs to be exterminated in American society today. Juliana stated that he wasn’t trying to be hurtful, he was just trying to make a joke but it came out offensive unintentionally. However, anything that is mocking a person’s identity is nothing to poke fun at. I personally understood what it was like for people to make fun of something that takes up such a large portion of your identity as I was often made fun of in grade school for being Native American. Behind every joke is a little bit of truth or at least what that person thinks, therefore legitimizing the lie.
I sympathized with Juliana for having to go through
that situation. It’s not something that anyone should have to fall victim to,
however it happens every day at schools, workplaces, etc. I asked what Juliana
thinks needs to change in American society today, she said, “Have a much more integrated
holistic educational system that includes other languages and learning about
other cultures, rather than just a very narrow minded perspective,” (25:08).
This very statement made me reflect on my educational system I grew up in. Every
time we went over American history, teachers had a noticeable lack of concern
for the Native American portion and it did not settle well with me. I took a
history class during my first semester at the University of Missouri and learned
many things I had no idea about. Why does American culture “sugar coat”
history? If everything was up front from the start, as well as diving into the
significance of all cultures, wouldn’t we have a much more open and tolerant
society as a whole?
“Juliana today in Kansas City, MO,” 2019, all rights reserved.
Juliana explained that this seems to be the current American ideology: “Well if we implement our belief systems, into these completely different cultures, it’ll work for them and they’ll have a much better life,” (28:24). When one thinks about that point of view, it is undeniable how willfully disrespectful and ignorant so many people can truly be. It’s hard growing up being prideful of your own country and who you are to discover that there are in fact many things that need to change. It is good to be prideful of where you are from and we have reason to take pride in being American, but that doesn’t mean that we need to whitewash everyone who comes in.
American society as a whole has come a long way, but why not strive to be the best country for anyone who moves here? Why not strive to teach our children about the wonderfully diverse cultures and people that live right here in our own neighborhoods? Why not have school systems that focus on truth rather than semi-fiction? Why settle? America can do it, but it starts with every individual and their choices on how to treat others. It starts with you.
In our junior year of high school, I became friends with my interviewee, CB. Through our friendship, I’ve gotten to know him foremost as someone who is enthusiastic, involved, and hardworking. Together, we navigated our difficult classes with late-night study sessions at Starbucks and memorable but amusing lab incidents. He had already become an important friend to me before I ever knew about his sexual orientation. As his friend, I knew he might have gone through some difficult times because of who he is, and I wanted to learn more about him. In this way, I could empathize with his experiences.
Kim Phan, Photo of CB, Kansas City, March 2019. All rights reserved.
During our interview when I asked, “what words do you use to name your difference?” (00:12) he responds in a blunt but joking voice, “Gay” (00:19).
CB elaborates: “I didn’t have like […] this bright rainbow that showed me like, gay. But, I don’t know, it just felt like it was always part of me” (00:46). When he found a name for how he was feeling, he says, “it was nice to realize that there were other people like that out there like me, that even though I wouldn’t be deemed normal by society […] I would still be accepted by some people somewhere” (30:24). It was also terrifying for him to realize that he belonged to “a demographic that’s persecuted against, and that people can use my quality of being a homosexual against me for no reason whatsoever” (30:24).
Although in recent years society has grown more accepting, regarding the LGBT community, less than a century ago homosexuals were victims of a systematic genocide known as the Holocaust. Nazis forced Jews to wear the yellow Star of David just as they labeled homosexuals with a pink triangle and eliminated them in death camps.
In the twenty-first century, CB faces different challenges. Growing up in a “white, middle-class, Republican family” (1:13) has made it difficult for him to express himself. Even now his parents won’t let him tell his extended family and because of this “I feel like I’ve been blocked from them kind of” (2:10).
Subtle interactions frame how CB sexuality affects his daily life, and overall, his anxiety stems from the risk that his sexual orientation will negatively impact him. He is anxious that the people he meets, especially superiors like teachers, might have a bad perception of homosexuality and will project that onto him (2:49). When he does tell people about being gay, “the first like five seconds of not only their verbal communication but their nonverbal communication tell you it all” (1:33). When he wants people to see him for who he is, as a good student and a good person, he worries that they aren’t going to accept him and will only see him as “just, gay” (2:10). And although he has never been physically persecuted, he does fear the possibility.
It was only towards the end of our senior year did I learn that he was gay. Honestly, up to that point, I never gave it much thought, and the possibility didn’t cross my mind. But once I learned about it, there was no reason for that fact to change our friendship. I felt like that was just a part of the CB I already knew, and I was glad that he trusted me enough to tell me.
Other friends have reacted differently. CB admits to wanting to change during high school in response to this, “I was in a group of friends, who I’m still friends with yes, who are, like my family, white, middle class […] they’re very strong Republicans. And, that’s not saying anything bad against them, it’s just everyone has their different views but, I’ve been friends with them all my life, and I’m still friends with them today” (5:06). Finding a more diverse friend group has helped CB destress, and during the interview, we laughed about how differently he acts around his separate peer groups.
“Look, our nerd friend group is probably like, one of my saving graces for my senior year, because it got me away from everything else, and you guys showed me like […] my friends don’t have to be assholes and I don’t have to hide myself” (6:07).
CB was involved in several extracurricular activities in high school, including cross-country. I remember driving to school for an early class at 6:30 when I would see him running with his teammates on the sidewalk. Now CB tells me that even though he loves running and being with a team, “one of the most, like stressful parts of my day is going to practice” (8:00). Although they never talked about it, he says that some people on his team either knew or suspected that he was gay. He could tell that some of those people were uncomfortable about it “Because I mean we’re all running around shirtless” (7:09). He never faced any serious verbal persecution, instead “Everything that I have like viewed as harmful or persecutive towards myself, has always been non-verbal or just in absent, where they just block me, basically. Or like ghost me and try not to […] come in contact with me” (8:36). In the case of his cross-country teammates, they would look at him differently and it “would just get really annoying and stressful” (8:00).
This ghosting is a kind of symbolic annihilation as opposed to a physical one. Those who don’t understand or think negatively about his difference chose to make him invisible to them, rather than confronting their views. Because of this, they don’t get to know him, and they never see past the label put on him.
According to CB, environmental factors and their upbringing are the reasons people act this way. Parents and peers had certain expectations for the social norm, so when it came to homosexuality, those with more traditional views “didn’t know how to react to it” (9:38). The topic was never discussed at home so when someone raised in that environment does meet a homosexual, “since they don’t know how to react to it, they just, automatically just think negatively” (10:25).
When faced with discrimination, CB chose not to associate himself with those people “because, there’s no point if they’re just going to harm you” (10:52). However, reflecting back, CB feels like he should have “been more upfront about it […] verbal with them, talk to them, not like accuse them of anything obviously, but like, just discuss with them rather than just what I did of just neglecting them” (11:36). He feels like he let those people get away with it and that they are going to act the same to another homosexual. Although he feels like he should have stopped it, he also thinks positively “that because I didn’t get furious and mad at them, and I didn’t accuse of anything […] I took the high road” (11:36).
In his group of friends, CB enjoys being able to think positively and cope by joking about tough things. In an environment where people don’t judge you, “it’s nice because you can focus on what you need to focus on, what you’re trying to get done, or trying to learn […] or just having a good time.” (13:15)
He is mad when he thinks about those of the LGBT community who face persecution, and it scares him knowing that it happens in other places across the world. If he were to travel somewhere like that, he wouldn’t know what to do since he’s lived in a fairly liberal city. For example, in southern America, a person would “have a completely different story […] because of the values down there” (15:48).
Today, CB still struggles with hiding from his siblings and extended family who are rural Republicans. He parents thought that telling them would destroy their family. CB doesn’t blame his extended family because “that’s what they’ve been taught, that’s what they’ve been exposed to.” (16:36) Although he wants to tell them, it scares him as to how to do that. He wonders if it would change the dynamic of their relationships. “That’s probably my biggest obstacle is just figuring out how to tell people who are really close to me.” (17:10)
CB wants people to know that “being gay is not my definitive label.” (21:02) Rather than respond positively or negatively to his sexuality, he “wouldn’t [want people to] to respond at all.” (19:35) He wants society to reach a point where it won’t matter if he tells people that he’s gay and he wouldn’t have to differentiate himself in that way. “I have a lot of different purposes in my life, and I’m a good person, and I do good things […] being in a homosexual community, isn’t, shouldn’t be a label for me and it isn’t a good thing and it isn’t a bad thing. It’s just me.” (21:51)
