Sexuality – From Us To Them

Tradition & Progress

Mandy (middle) and her children, (from left) Bobby, Alison, and Brittany, 2017 (All Rights Reserved)

This is a series of personal entries and a letter creatively formulated from an interview with Mandy Martinez. This series is an attempt to humanize the little girl who was robbed of her first love, the teenager who wanted to be understood, and the woman who was strong enough to be herself. The last entry is entirely non-fiction, as I pulled it from my very own journal.

March 1989

Dear Diary,

Today in class we learned about genealogy. The teacher asked us to make a family tree. I learned that I am Hispanic, French, and Moroccan It was easy to fill in the branches closest to me: my mom, Michele, my dad, Armando, my mimi, Lucienne, my papa, Bill. I had to ask my mom about our family, to assist me in filling in the branches that extended past my immediate family. Then the teacher told us to predict our futures. We were supposed to add a page of branches dedicated to our future family. I looked at my mom’s name, my grandma’s, and my great grandma’s; the boxes framing their names were connected to their husbands. It felt weird making up my husband’s name, and not because I am only eleven and I shouldn’t be considering marriage, but because I never pictured having a husband. But what else would I put in that little blank spot next to my name? I decided not to write anything. Ambra was sitting next to me while we made the family trees. She wrote, “whoever I fall in love with” in the box. I like that. I like her too. We became friends today.

Goodnight,

Mandy M.

April 1989

Dear Diary,

Ambra and I ate lunch together every day for the past month. She always gives me her Jell-O Pudding Pops and I always give her half of my turkey sandwich. I like her a lot. She has pretty, blue eyes and dark hair. She has become my best friend. She tells me I am the best girl friend. I wonder if she has any other friends that are girls? Am I really the best? I hope so. I want her to stay my best friend for a long time. She walks me home every day. Ambra’s mom lets her because she lives on base too, not far from me. Speaking of moms, mine is driving me nuts. She tells me I spend too much time with Ambra. Wasn’t she just encouraging me to make more friends that live on the military base? She says my compliments are inappropriate. She won’t even let her spend the night like my other friends do. Geez, I don’t know why she is so scared of Ambra. It’s not like she is a bad influence. The only way I can remain Ambra’s best girl friend, is to keep it a secret from my mom. And that’s just what this diary is for: keeping secrets.

Signing off. I hope Ambra brings a vanilla pudding pop tomorrow.

Mandy M.

May 1989

Mandy, her sister, Tammy (middle), and their mother, Michele attending Pridefest, 2016 (All Rights Reserved)

I have a confession- one I can only tap onto my typewriter. I did a terrible thing. My big sister, Mandy, didn’t deserve to be punished. I did. I talked back to the teacher in class today and the teacher called my parents. Beads of sweat trailed down my face as I neared the front door. I didn’t know what to expect, a spanking? No, mom would find a punishment that was fitting for the crime, like soap in the mouth to wash out my back-talking. I hate the taste of that blue oily soap. And drinking water only makes it worse. When I walked through the front door, mom was sitting on the couch waiting. Mandy was behind me, my protector. She ran upstairs before she could get caught in the middle of my mother’s rampage. She yelled at me for a second, telling me how much I embarrassed her for disrespecting a teacher. What would all the mothers on the military base think when my peers hinted towards my rebellion to their parents? She likes to remind me about how much they gossip about the bad kids at church. Then what would the others at church think? I was afraid of getting grounded and losing my whole weekend over talking back to the teacher, so I said it. I said the one thing I knew would take the attention away from myself… I told her Mandy was gay. How do I know she’s gay? I saw her kiss Ambra at school. On the lips! Mom’s fury was no longer aimed towards me. I placed it promptly onto Mandy. I’m so sorry, Mandy. I didn’t know she would whip out the belt.

Sincerely,

Tammy M., Mandy’s sister

January 1994

Entry #217

What a weird couple of months. First, I see Mandy with her boyfriend, Enrique, and figured she would only ever just be a friend to me. Another straight girl. Then when I talk to her in Sophomore Spanish class, she laughs off their relationship like they are just friends. “I don’t really like-like Enrique. I mean he’s cool, but he’s just not the person I want.” Those were her exact words. I could tell she got giggly and happy towards me, so I finally considered the possibility that she may be into me. I went for it and asked her on a date. We grubbed on In & Out, listened to the new Nine Inch Nails CD, and I even planted a kiss on her cheek. Not bad for a first date. We spent two whole months together before she let me even see where she lived. She told me she was afraid her parents wouldn’t approve. The word she always uses to describe them is “traditional.” Well, she was right, I think. Mandy promised me she would talk to her mom about us so I wouldn’t be a secret anymore. That was the last time we spoke. I tried talking to her at school, but she changed her classes. I tried to call her, but the line never rang more than twice. I guess that’s the end of that.

With a broken heart,

Tina K., Mandy’s second love

Dear Father John,

Mandy and her mother, Michele (left), attending Pridefest, 2016 (All Rights Reserved)

It has been brought to my attention that my sixteen-year-old daughter was having an inappropriate relationship with another female. The person my daughter is infatuated with wears raggedy dark clothing, has a choppy haircut, and is, worst of all, a woman. I am sure you have dealt with blasphemous over-sexualized youths in your program much worse than my Mandy. I think she may need some guidance, if this phase of hers continues. I would like you to teach her the proper way of life; the traditional life with a husband and children. Mandy wants to be a nurse; she wants to help people. That proves she is a good person despite her sinful desires. I have done my research and have come upon a conversion program you are holding in the summer. I am interested in registering my Mandy this upcoming summer, if she doesn’t change her ways immediately. I want to be a grandmother. I want my daughter to feel whole! I trust you to guide her away from the alternative lifestyle I fear she may want to live.

In the name of tradition and The Holy Spirit,

Michele M., Mandy’s mother

June 2003

Dear diary,

Mandy and her family at Pridefest, 2018 (All Rights Reserved)

I haven’t written in this old thing in years, but I feel as if writing will give me some form of therapy. I think I am finally ready to leave Robert. He is a good man, an amazing man. He is a perfect father to my three children, and I will always love him, but something is missing. Something has always been missing. I have sacrificed my true self to satisfy my mother, my husband, and my children. I am a fucking adult. My mother cannot run my life or threaten to send me to a conversion camp. I know my kids will be hurt by the separation, but my oldest, Brittany, is six years old. I have time to help her understand as she ages. All of them. They will understand because they love me. I am a lesbian. It feels so refreshing to write. The ink is dry upon the page and my words have meaning. I am going to leave Robert tonight. My kids will forgive me, right? What if they hate me for dragging them into an alternative lifestyle? Now I sound like my mother.

I can do this.

Mandy M.

July 2015

Mandy, her wife, Angel (left), and her children, Bobby, Alison, and Brittany, 2018 (All Rights Reserved)

Hey, journal. It’s Alison again. Who else would it be? Whatever. I just got home from Pridefest with my family. We all got decked out in rainbows and had so much fun. Mom and I saw our favorite drag queen perform! Pride is my favorite family tradition. Everyone is so inclusive and fabulous! After Pride, mom and her girlfriend, Angel, took us to Steak N’ Shake for the perfect burgers. While we were all sitting in the squeaky booths, scarfing down our burgers, I noticed my mother’s smile. It was a certain smile that is only possessed in the genuine haze of late-night diner food. It was a smile I recognize, for it portrayed her happiness in that moment. The genuine gleam to her grin makes me grin, because I know my mom is happy. My grandma called mom after she saw the pictures my mom posted on Facebook from Pride. She asked if she could join us next year. Progress.

Love,

Alison K, Mandy’s daughter

Society’s Perception of Bisexuality

Mendez being photographed for her successful presidency at the University of Oregon Senate.

Artist’s Statement

It is important to know the context of Montse Mendez’ story in order to better relate and understand the lyrics of this song. My sister and interviewee, Montse, has many marginalized identities including being Mexican, a woman, and bisexual. Although Montse’s other identities also affect her in everyday life, the focus of this song is the way Montse has been treated because of her bisexuality. The first verse begins providing a little bit of context of her specific incident. This is where I address Montse’s coming out story, and the fear and confusion she felt then. She shared with me that when she was first coming out to people she felt “vulnerable and scared” (11:24), and that she did not know how people would think about her.

I felt like this was important to add because it shows that her self esteem was not in a good place prior to the incident. The pre-chorus and chorus then begin describing the specific incident, which took place on tinder with a man that Montse matched with. Montse was beginning to embrace her identity more and openly shared her sexuality with this man. The man’s first reaction was to say ,“That’s hot. Can you teach me how to make my girlfriend cum?” as an opening line. This overtly sexual approach is not only rude, but also offensive. The label “bisexual” seems to have a deep effect on society’s perception on the person. Instead of focusing on any other aspect of that person, they are immediately sexualized even though, just like a straight person, they have other attributes. I chose to use the chorus as a way to explain my perspective on bisexuality and how it is simply about who people feel romantic love towards. Since everyone feels romantic love, I hope that this humanizes bisexual people to those who hypersexualize them and can relate better to how they feel. Harmonically speaking, I picked a minor key in order to match the serious tone of the subject. I also picked chords with some notes that clash and may sound “crunchy” to go with this mood, and also match the contemporary style that most artists use today.

Song Lyrics

Chorus 1
eb 9
Bisexuality isn’t a pornographic movie (13:31)
Gb maj 7
It’s not a trend, or a mental disability
B maj 7
My sexuality isn’t about you, or how to make your girlfriend come (11:24)
Bb 7
It’s about love and who I put my feelings on
Verse 1

You didn’t she was scared and self conscious (11:24)
She wondered, is this real or is this fictitious?
Growing up she saw it as a negative (2:12)
Her friends and family told her being straight was imperative

Pre-Chorus

But when we matched and then you messaged me (11:24)
You didn’t ask about my major, my degree
My heritage or family
You’d rather gain from my sexuality

Chorus 1

eb 9
Bisexuality isn’t a pornographic movie (13:31)
Gb maj 7
It’s not a trend, or a mental disability
B maj 7
My sexuality isn’t about you, or how to make your girlfriend come (11:24)
Bb 7
It’s about love and who I put my feelings on

Different Stands Out

Different in society stands out no matter what the difference is. Being a different sexuality than what is considered the norm at a young age is a mountain to climb, especially when your twelve years old. The bullying or the shunning of family and friends can be detrimental to someone so young. Many things can occur when a young pre-teen is shunned for being different. Things from suicide to self-harm and severe depression. Caoilfhinn knew when she was in 6^th grade that having a crush on a girl classmate might stir up drama and trouble in her life, but she couldn’t help how much she liked Hailey.

Caoilfhinn woke up at 7:00 for school, hit snooze on her alarm clock, and wiped the sleep from her eyes as she stared at the ceiling. Once she had the drive to get out of bed, she slowly dragged herself to the bathroom and looked at her wild, short, blonde hair sticking up in the air. Caoilfhinn could hear her mother calling her name, but she ignored her and finished brushing her teeth. Getting dressed was a totally different issue. She stared at the clothes in her closet, then finally decide to just wear yoga pants and a T-Shirt to school. Caoilfhinn could hear her mother calling her again saying she was going to miss the bus, so Caoilfhinn gathered her energy, grabbed her backpack, and ran right out the door. She never bothered to even try and eat breakfast because she got up too late to even make a piece of toast. How pathetic she thought to herself as she climbed on the bus. Caoilfhinn’s stop was always the first one in the morning, so she got to pick where ever she wanted to sit which was always the same seat. The left side 11^th seat in the bus is where she always sat. It had a musky feel to it, but it was hers.

BSSD, Picture of Brittany Hill Middle School, Blue Springs, April 2019. All Rights Reserved

She starts to think about how one day she found some skinny 6th grader in her seat and how she gave him the foulest look she could come up with until he moved out. Caoilfhinn was indeed a very nice person, but she liked to sit where she sat every day since the first day of middle school. She put her headphones in and started listening to some rock music that she couldn’t put a name to. When the bus arrived at school, she would be the last one to jump out and head for her locker as fast as her feet could carry her. She threw her backpack in her locker a little more harshly than she had meant and made her way down the impossibly long hallway to her first class, 6th-grade architecture. The class was fun; they built bridges, cars, and played with online simulations, but the best part of that class to Caoilfhinn was Hailey. Hailey was tall with long brunette hair and coffee brown eyes that Caoilfhinn couldn’t help but notice each time she walked in the room. Caoilfhinn couldn’t explain the way she felt about her; she just knew that she had a hard crush for her. She noticed that crush on the second day of class when they were talking, and she hadn’t gotten rid of the feeling since. Hailey walked into class and sat next to Caoilfhinn and asked how she was doing. “Good as I can get for being in the school at eight in the morning. What about you?”

“Same here I guess, I was almost late because I missed the bus and forgot my lunch.”

“Ha how did you manage that.”

“I honestly don’t know at this point I think I’m losing my mind slowly and methodically.”

They both laughed as the teacher walked in and started teaching some nonsense about an architect computer simulation. Caoilfhinn had no interest in paying attention so she started day dreaming about swimming with some friends when schools out. The class ended and Hailey had said a quick goodbye and left faster than usual. Caoilfhinn practically ran to her second-period class which was orchestra. It was her favorite class; most of her friends were in the class and she got to play the violin. Today, since it was a day after a concert, they would play hide the bow and eat some food. Kristen was walking on to the stage at the same time as her and said good morning. “Hey Ca-waffle, what’s up?” Ca-waffle was her nickname that her friends called her because of the way her name was spelled. Caoilfhinn was pronounced (Kay-Len) but her mother gave her an Irish spelling to her name, so her friends nicknamed her Ca-waffle after seeing the way her name was spelled. She loved the nickname her friends gave her because it made her feel accepted and unique to her peers. “Nothing much Kristen but we should for real pick up the pace or we’re going to be late again.”

Caoilfhinn Fulkerson, Filtered Picture of Caoilfhinn, Blue Springs, April 2019. All Rights Reserved

“Ugh story of my life Ca-waffle.” Kristen gave one of her specialty eye rolls as they picked up the pace. “You would think one day you two would be on time.” Hannah said. She was another good friend and violinist. “Well today is not that day and setting up a cello takes so long I don’t even know why I bother anymore.” Kristen said with a tired sigh.

The orchestra played hide the bow and ate food while watching a recording of their performance the night before. Caoilfhinn took off to her other classes for the day until 7th period which was canceled for the school talent show, then Caoilfhinn sat next to Katelyn, a girl she had been itching to talk to since her crush on Hailey developed. Katelyn was open about her feeling about boys and girls so Caoilfhinn wanted some advice from her. Caoilfhinn also wanted Katelyn to tell some stories and share experiences with her the way Artie wanted Vladek to share his stories in Maus so he can better understand. During the performances, Caoilfhinn told her she had feelings for Hailey and Katelyn responded with pleasure. “Good for you Ca-waffle, there isn’t nothing you should freak out about, your perfectly normal.” After school was out Caoilfhinn made her way home and told her mom and one of her friends that she had feelings for both boys and girls. They both supported her and told Caoilfhinn she was perfect the way she was.

ShutterShock.com “Rainbow in a Forest” Animated Picture Art, April 2019. All Rights Reserved

The next morning, she got on the bus and went to school but something seemed off. People were staring at her when she walked in the hall and she couldn’t figure out why until one of her best friends Ashley came running up to her. “YOU’RE BI!” Ashley exclaimed. “Yea, how did you know?” Caoilfhinn asked with panic setting in her stomach. “Dude everyone in the school knows now,” Ashley said with a more hushed tone. Great Katelyn can’t keep her trap shut for one day. All of a sudden Logan and a couple of his buddies were in the hallway, they were the meanest kids in the entire school. They spotted Ashley and Caoilfhinn talking together and started shouting that they were gay for each other and the new grossest couple in the school. A few kids laughed and the others just looked away and headed to class and that’s how the year of hell began. The relentless teasing from those boys went on for a year and the thought that Ashley and Caoilfhinn were a couple. During that year Hailey stopped talking to Caoilfhinn completely and she even switched out of their architecture class. One day Ashley and Caoilfhinn were sitting together and those boys really went in deep for them. “Look at the lesbian couple at table 12,” the short one said they all started to laugh but the girls became experts at ignoring their insults. “Hey, why the hell can’t you mind your own freaking business!” Kristen yelled as she and Hannah were huffing to the table.

Kristen Ballhurst, Filtered Picture of Caoilfhinn and Kristen, April 2019. All Rights Reserved

The boys just laughed some more and returned to their food. “Sorry about that you guys, I can’t believe people think your dating just because Ca-waffle is bi.” Hannah huffed. “It’s ok I honestly didn’t expect me coming out would have such an effect on the on me or the people around me, but I’m sorry to say that I don’t care. I am who I am. If they can’t understand that, then they can suck my big toe,” Caoilfhinn said as she ate an old sandwich. “There ain’t nothing to be sorry about and if they do have issues, then they can suck all of our big toes.” Ashley laughed the part out while eating her salad.

That year was hell for Caoilfhinn mostly just because of those group of boys. Being different from the rest of her peers stood out in a way she never thought possible. The boys found new targets for their teasing and her world seemed to go back to normal. That 6th grade year changed her life forever and the friends that stuck by her side were there through high school. Looking back on that year she was happy she was able to ignore those boys and just be able to get through that year with her friends. Being different from the people who surround you is hard for anyone. Although Caoilfhinn would never consider changing herself for any one, she always knew that different stands out and that’s a good thing.

ShutterShock.com, ”Ice Rainbow” Animated Picture Art, April 2019. All Rights Reserved

I am Guilty Too

Society has a habit of wanting to change people. Individuals would like for everybody else to look like and behave like them. When people do not conform to the traditional ideas of what is acceptable, they become targets for discrimination and dehumanization. It has become easy for the modern person to assume that overt dehumanization is an issue that is locked away in the past, that somehow we as a modern society have moved past such behaviors. But reality would point to a different conclusion. Noah Hanratty is a freshman at the University of Missouri and knows first hand what it feels like to be dehumanized and to have to live in constant fear of how society will treat them. Noah is openly non-binary and uses they/them pronouns to describe themselves. Non-binary means that Noah wouldn’t say that they are male or female; instead, they are “Sitting happily in the middle” (21:37). This identification as non-binary goes against societal norms, in which everyone exists on a gender binary. For most people in society, gender is a check yes or no question, either you are male, or you are female. This exclusion from the social norm would make Noah stand out from other people and unfortunately bring on discriminatory behavior.

Noah Hanratty, Photograph of Self, Columbia Missouri, February 2019, All rights reserved.

This idea of being non-binary was mostly foreign to me before actually meeting Noah. I am a cisgender female, which means I was born a female and that’s how I identify now. During my time growing up and going through school I had been vaguely aware of people who were transgender or non-binary, but the idea of not fitting into the gender binary was never something that directly affected me, so I never thought I had a reason to consider it. However, being unwilling to try and understand the daily struggle that Noah and people like Noah were going through only added to their daily effort to have their identities recognized as valid. To not have your identity be considered valid is a dehumanization tactic to try and either get people like Noah to conform to societal standards or have people remove them from society. Noah’s mother even said, “That she’d never call me by those pronouns” (10:30). It seems to me that tactic that Noah’s mother is using is an attempt to try and have Noah conform to what society says Noah should be.

That conversation was not an isolated incident with Noah’s mother. Noah knows that their mother is “very religiously motivated when it comes to some things. And so she says that basically, she knows where I’m going” (11:48). It appears to me that Noah’s mother is trying to use religion, something that Noah grew up with, as a way to make them feel like how they identified was wrong, that they weren’t allowed to do that. I attend church and have heard the argument that she is making. It’s the idea that God created man and woman and that there is no in-between that can exist. By using religious arguments, she is trying to tell Noah that they need to change or else. It’s a thinly veiled threat that something will happen to them unless they start acting how religion says so. It is these sorts of threats that would make Noah feel unsafe and threatened. These threats are implying that Noah is some sort of “other” that does not belong in society; it’s a dehumanization tactic. It is important to note though that not all people who are religious believe this and behave this way. However, because of this argument that Noah has heard repeatedly from their mother they say, “I don’t feel safe in the church” (11:48). Which is understandable. If someone who claims to represent a particular religion were threatening me with Hell, I wouldn’t feel safe either.

But religion isn’t where Noah’s mother stopped in her attempt to have Noah conform. Noah asked their mother, “If I got married to a woman would you be there? And she said she didn’t know. And so just like that was the turning point” (10:45). This comment would appear to be an attempt by Noah’s mother to show that her support and love is conditional. If Noah doesn’t conform and marry a man, their mother may not come and support them at their wedding. Parents play such a vital role in weddings, so by saying that she might not be their Noah’s mother is saying that her support and by extension love, is dependent on Noah behaving as their mother would want them to. These comments made Noah feel so unwanted that they thought it was necessary to move out of their mother’s house. With the help of a friend Noah packed up all of their things and left the home that they had grown up in so that they could find a place where they felt accepted and validated. The emotional hardship of all of this was apparent for Noah, “You’re my mom, you’re supposed to be there for me” (12:36). By using her support as a tool to try and make Noah say that they are a female, Noah felt that their mother wasn’t doing what she was supposed to do as a mother.

When I first got to hear Noah’s story and hear about the things that were said to them, I was shocked, and I felt terrible. I wanted to be able to go back in time and stop any of this from happening to them. These comments that their mother had made seemed so blatantly dehumanizing and hateful, but I began to realize that it wasn’t just comments like that that would make Noah’s life more difficult. It was also people ignoring their struggle, which I was guilty of as well. I knew there were people when I was growing up and in high school that was transgender or non-binary, but I wasn’t sympathetic to their struggles because I believed it didn’t affect me. By standing by and not standing up for them in my school or not supporting them when they were going through similar experiences at home, I was also guilty of participating in the process of dehumanizing them. In ignoring the struggle of people around me, I was also a perpetrator of making people feel unsafe and unwelcome. I wasn’t creating an environment where it was okay to be whoever you were. Instead, I was perpetuating the idea that if you weren’t like me, then I didn’t have to care about you. Overt acts are not the only form of dehumanization. By ignoring people, ignoring their identity and their struggles, I also participated in the dehumanization process.

I have gone through much of my life believing that discrimination, dehumanization, and bigotry were small isolated issues. Overt hatred of people who are minorities existed primarily in the past. The few events that did occur were not indicative of most of society, and the perpetrators would be quickly apprehended. I was wrong. People go through life every day trying to avoid conflict. Noah describes it as “It’s kinda like when you’re walking down the street, and you see a frat boy and his friends. And you’re standing you’re like, oh no something could happen, something could happen, something could happen. And then when nothing happens, it’s just like a sigh of relief. Like okay, this time everything is fine. But it’s just kind of like you’re waiting for the dam to burst” (06:50). This perpetual fear that something could happen, whether it’s a physical confrontation or hate speech, exists in every moment of Noah’s life. In his film, Night and Fog Alain Resnais says, “There are those who look at these ruins to-day, as though the monster were dead and buried beneath them. … Those who pretend all this happened only once at a certain time and in a certain place — those who refuse to look around them. Deaf to the endless cry” (31:00). This film, in particular, is looking at the concentration camps and the hatred and antisemitism that caused it. He’s arguing that those hatreds still exist today. It’s foolish to believe that any form of hate or discrimination no longer exists.

However, there is hope for things getting better. For Noah, life has changed and improved with college. He’s found supportive friends and teachers that make him feel safe and that people care about them. That doesn’t mean the struggle is over, but things can get better. To continue to make the world a more accepting place Noah says, “I think it involves a lot of listening and trying to understand someone before attacking them” (22:25). By hearing Noah’s story, I’ve been able to better respond to the people around me who face persecution. By listening to people and attempting to understand them, we can begin undoing the process of dehumanization. I can’t fix the problems of dehumanization, but if I try to understand what the people who are facing it are going through and give them a place so that people can hear their voice, I can help make the change.

Taking Off Your Mask

My name is Antonya Velo and I am a student at UMKC. We were asked to interview someone different than us; someone who has experienced some sort of discrimination. Whether it was because of their gender, sex, race, ethnicity, or sexuality, it didn’t matter.

Photo of Adrian Cisneros, Rudy Cisneros, All Rights Reserved.

I interviewed a friend of mine named is Adrian Cisneros. He is discriminated against because he is Hispanic and identifies as genderfluid and gay. During our interview, I learned a lot more about him and the struggles he faces. There were two things he said during our interview that really stuck out to me. When I asked him what his biggest challenge today was, his response was

“If I don’t express who I really am, I lose myself.”
Adrian Cisneros (08:20)

When I asked if there was ever a time he wished he could change who he was, he said that there have been many times he wished he could change. But the main reason why is because of how others look at him.

“They see someone who I don’t see as myself.”
Adrian C. (05:24)

If he puts on this “heteronormative” mask he’s not being himself. This opened my eyes. We all have masks. We have different personas we put out for the world to see. We only let people see what we want them to see.

Although I am a Psych Major, I have always enjoyed art. Creating art is a way to express how you are feeling without using words. I was inspired to create a piece that would summarize what I got out of the interview. I decided to make a piece that would showcase how you should be yourself. Once you do this, the world is so much brighter. I call this piece “unmasked.”

Unmasked, created by Antonya Velo, All rights reserved.

For further explanation, I titled this “unmasked” because the idea of wearing a mask, or hiding who you truly are, was a repetitive topic during Adrian’s interview. On the right side of the piece, I sketched a simple face without any color or dimension to signify how “bland” or “unhappy” life would be while wearing these masks and hiding who you are. On the left side of the piece, I used acrylic paint to create a fun, messy, carefree rainbow to represent how free life can be if you take off these masks and just be you. I chose to paint a rainbow because it symbolizes being part of the LGBT+ community.

6 Year Old Adrian, Yearbook Photo, Lifetouch 2005, All Rights Reserved.

As stated before, I chose to interview my friend Adrian because I know he struggles everyday with discrimination. It’s not physical discrimination, but it is verbal and passive. What I mean by this is that people give him strange looks and whisper to one another. He also explained that he never knows how people will react towards him (06:46). All he wants is to be himself, without people judging him. This reminded me of the graphic novel Maus by Art Spiegelman. The characters in this graphic novel wanted to hide their identities to keep themselves safe. They need to hide, or wear masks, in order not to lose themselves. However, Adrian wants his identities to be seen. Adrian needs to show himself, or take off that “heteronormative” mask, in order not to lose himself.

Overall, this was an eye opening experience. Today’s society has become more open minded and accepting. However, there is still so much more work that needs to be done for true equality.

The Third Tier

Do people’s actions and words deserve to get a rise out of individuals different from them? Is it our duty to fight ignorance and discrimination for the improvement of the younger generation’s future? For being in such a liberal part of the Midwest, she has faced more discrimination than anywhere else. Growing up in three different states, Louisiana, Maryland, and Missouri, her childhood has been shaped to fit the social norm around her. Starting with Louisiana, the southern United States. It wasn’t always easy being an African-American woman in a racist part of town. Growing up with other kids and having them be disgusted by her appearance. She was judged for everything, even the very words she spoke. Apparently being “very articulate with [her] words” and using proper English was not a fad in southern Louisiana (04:21). She was taught well by her mother but was unfortunately made fun of “trying to be white” for not using social slang (04:59). She was not trying to be something she wasn’t; she was living the only way she knew how. They accused her of thinking she was better than the other kids. When she saw other kids experiencing similar racial profiling, she asked for help. She asked her school administrators and they claimed they couldn’t do anything about it. She disagreed, “there is something [they] can do about it. [They] just don’t want to do anything about it” (09:30). She was always “an outcast” and she never even got along with other African-Americans (05:05). She did get “along with white people” but they would often “cross the line” in some of the things they would say (05:05). She has always been isolated because she was different from everybody else. Much like in They Were Just People by Bill Tammeus and Jacques Cukierkorn, a collection of true stories that tell about personal times during the Holocaust. One story in particular about Zygie and Sol Allweiss, a portion of the story says that Zygie was taken in by a nice family because the Germans did not view the “Jews as fellow human beings” much like someone would isolate a person just for their color or appearance (They Were Just People).

When she was in early high school, she began to change; she realized that she was sexually attracted to girls. For her, this was the third tier for social discrimination, and her guardians were not supportive at all. For years she’s been hearing horrible things from the people that she thought were her role models. “We don’t want you to be gay” her mother exclaims, “We want you to have a nice little marriage, with a man” (12:13). Hearing that at an already rebellious age made her even more afraid to express herself. She would try and “force [herself] to be with guys…[she] would always keep going back to girls” (12:13). Trying to be something she was not, she was starting to see that if she tried to live up to her mother’s expectations, she would be miserable her entire life. She realized if her family really loved her, they would not try to change who she already was.

Kansas City is overall, a politically divided city. You have liberals and conservatives; you have safe spaces and places of discrimination. A place that has been safe in her judgment is her place of work. Starbucks has given her a space to be herself and work freely without worry of judgment. She hasn’t “dealt with any racism from [her] co-workers” or “any homophobia” because everyone who works there comes from different backgrounds (14:23). It is important to surround ourselves with positive energy and supportive people, and she found that at her place of work.

So, I asked her what it was like being African-American, homosexual, and a woman. “Sometimes being a woman is like, the third tier” she exclaims (16:08). She has experienced discrimination in all three categories, and the one person she should trust has let her down the most. When she was a young teenager, she was beginning to question her sexuality. “[Her] mother found out that [she] liked girls, and she treated [her] like absolute garbage” (16:40). Her mother took away all of her privileges so she couldn’t contact girls. Her mother used her own religion against her, saying “that’s not what God wants from you” and drove her away from Christianity (16:40). She considered her religion to be her safe space and when her mother used it against her to tell her what she was doing was wrong, she made the decision not to follow any religion. Her mother was ashamed and told her not to express herself on social media out of fear of being embarrassed, but she wasn’t about to change who she was to gratify people she barely even knew. Her relationship with her mother was deteriorating slowly over a period of time, and she has said some crazy things. Her mother asked why she couldn’t be like other parents and “just have to deal with [her] being boy crazy” and not be ashamed of her daughter (19:47). It is hard on her now because she unfortunately still lives with her mother, and their relationship is toxic. It is hard when someone longs for a good relationship with a parent but keeps having to push them away because they aren’t supportive or loving in the ways one would expect. Luckily, she has a strong relationship with her father; she is not completely unsupported in her journey.

One can either dwell on the past or learn from it. This brave young woman has chosen to learn from her past and it has made her so much stronger. “It doesn’t matter if you’re in the black community, it doesn’t matter if you hang around with straight people, gay people, like there is always going to be somebody, somebody that has an issue with you” (24:00). She strives to make a change by encouraging people to be more accepting and open-minded. She gives advice to people in similar situations, “do anything to relieve your stress” she says (26:15). She encourages people not to entertain racism, bigotry, or homophobia. She always picks her battles wisely and intervenes when she feels it is the right thing to do. She doesn’t feel the need to react to everything thrown her way. Patience and tolerance are key for her to live stress-free. “Not every reaction needs a reaction” and I feel everyone should introduce this to their lives and learn from situations (07:13). We as a society should not be focusing on isolating people because they are of a different race, sexuality, or gender. If we express our voice and fight the ignorance and the prejudice in this country, we may be a virtuous nation once again.

Feeling Like Hawaii-versus-the-Continental-US

“In the second grade, I had a crush on a boy even though in the second grade you don’t know what love is or any of that…I kind of realized that being gay wasn’t normal and it wasn’t until the 8th grade that I was able to look into the mirror and say ‘I’m gay’”(2:16). I met Max our freshman year of high school when we were taking French classes together; it never seemed to bother me knowing that he is gay because that’s simply who he is. He never treated me a different way because of it in the sense that he received the same amount of respect that I received from him. To this day, Max and I are still close friends and have had a class together for two semesters now as freshmen in college. Max is the youngest child in his family and he has an interest in studying neuroscience. From a very young age, Max knew that he was gay, but it wasn’t until he was older that he realized that it is okay to be gay; he should be accepted not simply for being gay, but for who he is as a human being.

Benson Kua, The Gay Pride Flag, San Francisco, Wikimedia Commons, March 2019, Some Rights Reserved

Although his friends are fully aware and are accepting of him, one of his biggest issues was having a partner, or relationship per se, as “normal” people do. “It’s just very lonely. I remember at one point I described it to my friends as I felt like I was Hawaii, and the rest of the world is the continental US.” (3:40) Feeling like an outsider, just how the state of Hawaii is compared to the US, Max still had hope. While the gay community is very small in some places, Max knew that with patience and time would come the right guy for him. Luckily, Max has found someone who cares for him the way he does for his partner. They have been together for over a year now.

To this day, Max does come across certain events where he feels unwelcome or attacked. Recently, a few weeks ago, Max was scrolling through Facebook and came across an article that was shared by one of his friends regarding the idea of teaching LGBT history in public schools. Seeing who shared this article came to great a surprise for Max because he had known this person since they were both very young, since elementary school to be exact. Out of curiosity, Max decided to comment on this post to see her reasoning and understand her view point on the topic. “Somebody on Facebook actually told me that because I am gay, I should be stoned to death because that’s what it says in the bible. This was a person-I actually went to elementary school with them, I was actually really close friends with them; we kind of fell out of contact throughout high school and now all of a sudden they are directly telling me that I should be buried up to my neck and have people throw rocks at me.” (10:24) Max truly was not expecting a response like this, especially from someone who he used to consider a really good friend of his; he simply wanted to know why she had shared this post. “On this specific post it was about teaching LGBT history and she said that she wouldn’t want her kids to learn LGBT history and I was like ‘why?’ You know because it’s just history and it escalated to so much more…” (13:28). Max had noticed that her friends were supporting her views and proceeded to act like Max was not a human but as a target. “Why are you using my sexuality to define me as a whole person? Just treat me like a normal person, if you find out that I am gay or see me with my boyfriend, I hope that your attitude towards me doesn’t change at all.” (29:10) Social issues like this are still very present to this day and it happened to Max so unexpectedly. “I’m happy that I made as many people on Facebook aware of the situation that I could, that way people don’t forget that homophobia is still such a prevalent thing in America, you know? A lot of people think that it all ended when we got the right to marry but that’s just not true.” (18:26) For Max and the rest of the LGBTQ community, marriage is only the first step for having their voices heard.

After going through an event like this from a former friend, Max’s current and closest friends showed him their support and apologized for her actions. “It was nice to have their support but at the same time, their support only goes so far because they still don’t understand what it’s like to truly be in the position that I am.” (15:46) Being in the situation that Max was in isn’t a situation that everyone can easily relate to, having the support from his friends was kind and thoughtful but it still wasn’t enough to repair the damage that was done.

Many people in the LGBTQ community still have a hard time finding the right words to describe him or herself in a way that they will not feel ashamed or unwelcome by his or her family and friends. When I asked Max what advice he would give to others who are still trying to figure out when is the right time for him or her to “come out”, he said “Come out when you’re ready but don’t feel like it’s a bad thing…Also, don’t out other people because I have outed people before when I was younger and it’s something that I regret a lot. If you have just come out you might think ‘Oh it’s not a big deal, everyone should come out’ but you know not everybody is ready, so don’t try to push anybody out.” (26:41) Timing is very critical for each individual and each person does things differently. From Max’s advice, I learned that not everyone is in the same situation about their sexuality and that his or her choice and position needs to be respected at all times, especially in a sensitive topic like this.

No one deserves to feel hated or unwelcome simply because of who he or she is. This goes for all subject matter whether it’s because of his or her race, sexuality, or religion. Innocent people like this deserve to be treated as a person and most importantly as a human being who isn’t harming anyone.

Max has learned a lot about himself, the LGBTQ community, and about certain individuals themselves since the day that he confirmed the fact that he is gay. While at times he feels like an outsider like the state of Hawaii, he knows that he isn’t alone and that he has the care and support from the rest of the continental US. At only 18 years old, he is still learning what it is like to be gay and what baggage comes with it in a society that still isn’t 100% accepting of the LGBTQ community. “I want societies to realize that being gay is 100% natural. A lot of people use that unnatural argument that we shouldn’t allow or accept gay people because it’s unnatural…I just want people to be more accepting of the LGBT community. I mean it gets really annoying after a while.” (32:16) Through personal experiences and experiences from others, he hopes to bring more awareness to people he knows and other communities about how these situations truly need to be understood and handled.