Transgender – From Us To Them

From Summer to Isaiah

Where do I belong?

Where do I fit in?

I feel that I was born in the wrong skin

People make me feel as if I am living in sin

Should I wear clothes that society binds me in?

Maybe I should wear something Feminine

If I did, maybe it would stop my feelings from within

Feeling like I am trapped in a small room where the air is thin

I just want to be me… in my meant to be skin

Shedding the skin to be me Isaiah

Artist’s Statement

Isaiah in front of the transgender flag. All rights reserved.

For my narrative, I have decided to write a poem over my interview with Isaiah Morey. Isaiah is transgender, female to male. I have known him since he was still going by Summer, so about three years. I had seen some of the things that he had gone through while they were happening, but never really knew how bad it was. For example, people were calling him derogatory names, and I had heard this. Someone ripped up his artwork and threw it in the trash, he had spent four months on that piece. He had names written on his locker, and his car vandalized. Having this interview was a very good experience for me. It opened up my eyes to see what really goes on, and I was able to gain insight into his personal convictions and the events that were happening in his life. It really opened my eyes for what transgender people go through on a day to day basis. I have always been a close-minded person, but talking to someone about their experiences in life has changed that for the better. I now look at people through a different lens, and realize that everyone is struggling with something. As for Isaiah, we were mostly just acquaintances, but now we have become very close friends.

The poem is about the personal struggle that Isaiah felt growing up. He felt that he was more masculine than feminine. He started struggling to find who he was as a person early on, around middle school. He had always worn masculine clothes and had his hair cut short even when he was Summer. He never felt that he identified with being a girl or being a lesbian. Even though he felt that he was a man, he went by Summer, his birth name, and lived as a lesbian. He had a lot of trouble with the school that he went to. Isaiah attended a Lutheran high school in Kansas City. The teachers at that school always singled him out and used him as a prop to show kids how not to be. The school put him in at-risk religion classes since the staff said that he had “homosexual tendencies”. The staff wanted him to conform and be who he was born, Summer, a girl. He was kicked out of his own dance for wearing a suit and tie and bringing his girlfriend. When his car, locker, and art were vandalized nothing was done, and the staff even continued to bully him.

The next five lines represent his inner struggle with identity. In the interview, he talked about how he would wear a dress to school just to give it a chance. He was reaffirming that this was the way that it was supposed to be. “I would purposely go and go to school, like wearing a dress or wearing something like really feminine or whatever”[07:37]. The rest of the poem talks about people’s actions and reaction. The students at his school would say hurtful things about him. The students also would vandalize his locker with hateful messages and tear his artwork off the walls. His car was vandalized on multiple occasions, and the school would not do anything about it. There were many instances where the school could have stepped in, but nothing happened. Isaiah was being victimized and nothing was being done, due to the fact that what he believed went against the school’s religion.

Isaiah’s testosterone shots . All rights reserved.

I found this very sad because we are supposed to love all people and help them despite beliefs or personal convictions. All the experiences that Isaiah faced were very unfortunate. He still faces problems like that even though he had graduated and is out of that school. There are instances that happen at work and out in public. Personally, in order to keep this from happening, people need to learn tolerance. We may all have our beliefs but that is no reason to cause emotional or physical harm to another person. This interview has helped me to better understand some of the struggles that transgender people face in the community. If anything, this assignment has taught me to embrace all differences and to advocate for those whose voice is not being heard.

Relating the Narrative Back to Our Course

The Nazis would push their agenda over on the citizens of Germany and surrounding countries persecuting those who were Jewish or homosexual. Since they had power over the people, they would slowly bring in ways to persecute, and it was not all at once. Starting with wearing the star of David stitched into the Jewish peoples clothes, then gradually taking over Jewish owned businesses and rounding them up and even getting the Polish people on board to help turn in Jewish people. In this course we have read and watched content that has depicted this. In Lacombe, Lucien by Louis Malle, Lucien is French but joins the Gestapo to help round up members of the underground. This is an example of the power that Nazis had even over in other countries. Also in Maus by Art Spiegelman, we see Vladek desperately trying to hide his family and survive the Nazis occupying Poland. They receive help from the Polish, but the Polish also start turning Jews in to protect themselves from harm. This is an example of the Nazis influence of non-Jewish people.

Personal art in support of Isaiah. All rights reserved.

Years later we still see persecution in our society. Even though it is not mass genocide like we saw during World War II and the Holocaust, it still continues today. Whether it is a friend, or a story that we see in the media, it exists all around us. As humans we need to treat people with the dignity they deserve. We need to learn to be more open-minded and willing to understand someone’s personal struggle.

Mistreatment

It’s good to see you

Much has changed since we first met

But we remain friends

I knew you as Grace

You found your identity

You are your true self

As you transitioned

You faced the truth in people

They can be wicked

Cast out by your peers

Binary society

Where do you belong

Flawed society

A victim of ignorance

I wish I could help

Blatant mistreatment

Mistrust in authorities

Inescapable

Unfair obstacles

Inspiring resilience

I see your courage

Relief found in friends

PJ van Nieuwenhuyse, Picture of PJ van Nieuwenhuyse , Shawnee KS, April 2019. All rights reserved.

Shelter from society

A community

Daughter and sister

A supportive family

Son and a brother

A light in the world

You love in spite of hatred

You’re my friend, PJ

I chose to write in haiku as a way to symbolize my relationship with my interview partner, PJ. We do not see each other often and rarely speak over the phone or text. Despite the few words between us, there is a lot of understanding and meaning behind our relationship. I have been friends with PJ for years and wanted to write about what I have seen and what PJ has told me about his life during our interview. The haiku format is also intended to resonate with PJ’s inclination towards music and art. PJ’s courage has been an inspiration to me and I hope this poem shows how strong and loving he is.

Trapped

This cage does not have walls
Nor a ceiling, nor a floor
But fingers and toes
And nobody knows
Between my ears I'm fighting a war.

Sometimes I can't look at myself
I won't stand in front of the mirror
If I do I'm left reeling
And can't shake the feeling
That my identity isn't so clear.

Some people do not believe me
They won't call me by the right name
They tease and they taunt me
Do they know that it haunts me
That they think my gender's a false claim.

I feel like there's no one behind me
My rights are not well protected
And all I can do is pray
That my liberties aren't taken away
By the people who have been elected.

We don't have good representation
We're rarely portrayed in a good light.
In the media we're shown as a joke
Or a hooker out having a smoke
Few networks will show our true plight.

I wish people would let us be
Why should you be upset or even care
About what I wear and how I present
If it is to no one's detriment
So before you judge, or flash me a glare

Please think about how you would feel
If you were on my side of the deal.

Daniel Zender, Painting, Kansas City, 2012, All Rights Reserved.

For this project I interviewed my friend, Parker Perrin, at my house on February 28^th, 2019. Parker is a trans boy who attends Staley High School in North Kansas City. He enjoys theatre, music, as well as his bird, Hamlet. Parker has known he was trans since he was 12 years old. However, he was not able to come out until recently. Even then, he has only been able to come out to friends and not his family. Trans people are a minority in the United States that are both brought up all the time and simultaneously not talked about at all. In other words, while trans issues have been featured in more news recently, they are usually being talked about without trans people being part of the conversation. This one-sided argument results in an ignorant society that is not actually able to see trans issues from a trans person’s perspective. Even doing this assignment I feel as if I walk a very thin line, because it’s important to let minorities speak, and not speak for them. Even when it is well intended, allies often speak over or for the very minority they are trying to defend or advocate for.

This poem is from the point of view of a trans person because I felt that would be the most effective way to evoke compassion and understanding in the audience. However, since I am not a member of this community, and haven’t experienced these things, I tried to be more general to avoid misrepresenting the thoughts and feelings of people in the trans community. Gender dysphoria is the feeling that your body and body parts do not match the gender that you identify with. Trans people often experience dysphoria. Dysphoria can lead to a deep-set discomfort and self-confidence issues that can make it hard to look at themselves or think about how other people see them. In my poem I tried to describe this feeling in the first and second stanza. In the third stanza I talk about the general disrespect that members of the trans community deal with on a daily basis. In my interview with Parker, he talked about how every negative reaction and instance where he is misidentified weighs on him and hurts his self-confidence. In the fourth stanza I talk about the fact that trans people are not protected by their government. In recent years trans people have had their rights threatened and even taken away by our current administration several times. During my interview with Parker, one issue that was brought to my attention is the social stigma that surrounds trans people. Throughout popular media, trans people are shown as sex workers, predators, and are incorrectly portrayed as people who are simply pretending to be a member of the opposite sex. I reference this in the fifth stanza of the poem. These harmful stereotypes create a large problem with how society views the trans community, and people then use these stereotypes to validate their own hateful prejudices. When these harmful stereotypes and gross misunderstandings are perpetuated in our society, it desensitizes us to the issue and makes possessing negative thoughts about the trans community seem more acceptable. This is evidenced by the fact that in our current government, many officials, including our president, actively take away trans rights, such as the right to serve their country. Even in our home town of Kansas City, several sitting council members outwardly oppose the LGBT community. I talk about this political tension and violation of rights and freedoms in the fourth stanza of the poem.

In interviewing Parker, I gained a deeper insight into the problems and feelings experienced by members of the trans community and learned a lot from this about how to be an ally. The trans community is one that needs to be given a platform on which to speak and present their thoughts and feelings, so that our society can grow and become more accepting of other people’s lives and experiences.

On My Own: A Transgender Man’s Tale

UMKC, Photo of UMKC Trumpet Ensemble, Tan-Tar-A Resort, April 2019. Copyright Free

Andy Chapel is a student of the Conservatory of Music and Dance at the University of Missouri- Kansas City. He is in his sophomore year of a Bachelor of Music Education degree, and his primary instrument is the trumpet. He is employed by the Office of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion as a Diversity Ambassador, and is an LGBTQIA Leadership Scholar (00:17). Andy spends his time outside of his studies as an ambassador for diversity and the LGBTQ community because he identifies within the LGBTQ community, as a transgender man.

Mid America Freedom Band, Andy Chapel performing “There’s No Place Like Home, Lyric Opera of Kansas City, April 2019. Copyright Free

What does transgender mean? Labeling someone as transgender means that they have transitioned from their birth gender to one that suits their personality and identity better. Transitioning for Andy came early on, he spent time researching and learning about the LGBTQ community from thirteen years old, and officially transitioned and started to identify as a Transgender man in his late high school years (01:20). Especially early on in his transition, it was difficult for him. Often, people would just not recognize or honor his transition. He’d feel pushed aside or ignored, people were generally apathetic or not sympathetic towards him because transitioning isn’t something that most people ever have to deal with or think about- it really is a foreign concept to almost everyone.

Nobody wants to be ignored. Especially in the developmental golden years that overlap high school, peer acceptance is important to everyone if they’d like to admit it or not. These feelings of being unwanted, overlooked, and unimportant were difficult for Andy. He felt as though he had missed opportunities, and that he had lost the support of many adults and most importantly, his parents. Because it’s so common in American society to segregate things by gender, like our gym classes, Andy also had a lot of trouble fitting into either category which led to further feelings of ostracization (05:00).

Andy Chapel, Filming the Depiction of Music of the 20s, April 2019. Copyright Free

This lack of a solid support system isn’t just a problem for Andy. In his case, it’s made finding jobs harder. Does he write his birth name on his resume, or does he write Andy? Of course, he would prefer to be able to just write ‘Andy’ and not worry, but because in the state of Kansas he cannot have his state identification altered, he risks appearing invisible to background checks performed by potential employers. The employers would have to know him by his birth name and gender which is an identity that he is working very hard to bury. Not only is being trans a handful from an employment viewpoint, but Andy’s dating life is also complicated because of his gender identity. Often people shut him down just based on his gender identity, not because of personality traits or incompatibilities (12:20).

Early on in his transition, Andy’s reactions to adversity were passive. He would remove himself from uncomfortable positions. Especially in his high school coed gym class, there were a lot of people being mostly unintentionally, but sometimes intentionally very nasty towards the queer community. People often make these kinds of jokes without realizing that there could be people around that the jokes directly affect. People just want to fit in with their peers, and if their peers are making insensitive jokes, chances are others will join in without realizing the full weight of their words.

The ‘Banality of Evil’, a phrase introduced by political theorist Hannah Arendt in her 1963 book Eichmann in Jerusalem brings to light parallel ideas about the normalization of abuse and oppression. The phrase is defined as meaning “evil that is motivated not by a diabolical will, nor a sociopathic desire, nor even by ideology, but by the desire for professional promotion or simple thoughtlessness and lack of analysis” by Arendt. In much the same way people that didn’t support Nazi ideology collaborated with the Nazi regime, Andy’s peers were collaborating with homophobic ideologies even if they were not homophobic themselves. They collaborated for much the same reasons as well. Even though they weren’t homophobic, they heard others making insensitive jokes and comments, and wanted to gain social status by conforming to what the majority was doing, even if they didn’t think it was right. Those without homophobic beliefs likely did not consider the implications of their jokes, unaware that it was so directly harmful to people nearby.

When the people in the coed gym class would say hateful things and make insensitive jokes, Andy’s strategies consisted mostly of making himself unknown to those who would put him down. He changed into gym clothes in the nurse’s office, instead of in the locker rooms with the rest of the students to help protect his identity. Although he was known as ‘Andy’ to this specific class, not everyone knew the truth about his gender. He refrained from commenting on nasty things that were said out of fear. If these people knew who he really was, what kinds of things would they say or do to him?

Without the know-how or confidence to properly educate people, the easiest possible solution was to hide. Being forward enough to speak out against people who are speaking wrongly against how you identify was not something that Andy was not ready to do at this point in his life, especially when the jokes and abuse targeted him personally. Gym classes specifically are very gendered, so it felt like a ‘David vs. Goliath’ type situation (22:32). Even to this day, Andy is scared by past experiences with ‘toxic masculinity’. Being so unlike other men, and previous poor experiences with “Cis-Het Men”, born males who identify as their born gender and are attracted to the opposite gender, being in places where he’s placed under a lot of scrutiny will likely never be completely comfortable for Andy (27:18).

Nina Cherry, Andy Displays His Artwork, Jones Art Gallery, April 2019. Copyright Free

The lack of good peer and parental support forces trans youth to grow into independence much faster than other youth. For Andy, the biggest move for his own mental health standpoint has been transitioning and then finding the support systems that worked for him. His parents would not be of much help, refusing much financial or emotional support. Seeking validation from like-minded individuals, or even just finding people to talk to that will understand and not question your feelings and beliefs are more helpful than you might think for your mental health, according to Andy (33:23). Coming to the realization that he wasn’t alone in the world, no matter how much it felt that way, was the difference between making it through some situations and giving up.

Andy Chapel, With Members of Trans+ Social, UMKC Student Union, April 2019. Copyright Free

The biggest side effect of Andy’s growth since transitioning has been his confidence in activism. The independence of being a college student, living on his own, and his involvement with diversity programs, Andy is more comfortable with who he is. He’s met people who he relates to through groups like Transplus Social, a student organization at UMKC that he is the co-president of. Most important to his development is creating these connections and creating an environment in which he can thrive. Compared to his high school experience, UMKC does a very good job from the top down to make sure that people of all shapes, sizes, and beliefs feel at home and involved (12:31). This feeling of acceptance means that Andy can be the force that helps other LBGTQ folk feel at home by standing up for them and for himself. He’s “more open”, a stronger personality and presence can do a lot for other LGBTQ folk’s comfort, and for the non-LGBTQ folk’s awareness and sensitivity towards them. His presence adds a lot more weight and an extra reality check to people who are okay with making transphobic ‘jokes’, and people like him are integral for the advancement of the LGBTQ community.

One of the biggest things that Andy preaches to non-LGBTQ people is to understand that no two trans folk are alike. There isn’t really an accurate image that depicts what everyone looks like, or how all trans folk act. It’s important to expand your horizons on what the idea of a trans person could be, and most importantly be careful to use sensitive language and be aware that these people could be around you at any time. Spending the extra time to research what it means to be in the Trans community, even if you aren’t, goes a long way to ensuring their comfort (36:00).

Security in Identity

Dylan Manning is a nineteen-year-old college student majoring in history. He is a transgender male and identifies as gay (0:59). Dylan is also a good friend of mine whom I had the honor of interviewing about his identity as a transgender individual: his initial struggles, harassment, becoming comfortable with himself, and the issues he continues to face. We also briefly addressed the idea that victimizers sometimes harass other people because of their own insecurities.

I met Dylan at the beginning of my junior year of high school. He was in my history class that year, and I decided I should befriend him when I saw him wearing a Troye Sivan shirt on the first day of class. That impulsive decision to befriend a random guy in class based on the pop star on his t-shirt was a pretty good choice I’d say. Dylan and I laugh about practically everything which made interviewing him a bit of a challenge. I had to cut a lot of sarcastic comments and weird jokes out of the interview transcript because they had little to do with him telling his story of being transgender. However, the ability to laugh and joke with a dear friend throughout the interview made the project enjoyable for both of us.

Photo of Dylan and me from our junior year of high school (February 2017), by Maria E Starns,*All rights reserved.*

Dylan is a transgender male, and he was relatively early on in his transition when I met him. I have always been very aware of Dylan being transgender due to how vocal and authentic he is about himself. I have always admired him for that, but previous to this interview I had never had much of an in-depth conversation with Dylan about his journey with being trans. Our friendship made the interview interesting and personal. I built a better connection with a friend of mine, and I now have the opportunity to help share his story.

Early in the interview, I asked Dylan how people initially responded to him being transgender. He said that his friends were generally very supportive (1:59). He did, however, go on to describe instances of harassment he has experienced. One of his friend’s parents actually came into his place of work and gave him trouble. They told him he was too feminine and would “never be a real guy” (3:04). Dylan said that he was just wearing his work uniform and didn’t know how he could have looked more masculine. He told me, “I don’t really know what they wanted me to do. You know, show up to work in cargo shorts?” (3:39). Dylan also described how being trans impacts his daily life. He said that it does not consciously impact him all that much, but it does impact him subconsciously.

It does have a subconscious impact on everything I do because I know that subconsciously I’m trying to make everyone view me very masculine. So, I’m very aware of body language and what I wear […] even though I’m not actively thinking about it a lot I know that it does impact all that I do (4:50).

Dylan described another time he felt particularly unwelcome. He was in a college preparatory program shortly after coming out. He explained that some of the other students in the program simply would not accept that he was trans, and they were being particularly nasty about it. They talked about Dylan behind his back, said that he was too feminine, and used “she” pronouns to describe him. In the interview, he laughed that one off and explained that he usually wore jeans and t-shirts to the program. He thought it was odd that they called him feminine when he dressed in a way that was not particularly gendered. He decided to report what was going on to the program director, but she dismissed the issue as insignificant. He said that she essentially had the mentality of “suck it up” (8:34).

When asked about his immediate reaction to the situation, he said that these hateful actions impacted him on a personal level.

It made me feel very scared and kind of doubtful of myself. Because like I said earlier it took me a really long time to admit to myself that I was trans. Because I didn’t want to experience all the bad stuff that I had heard trans people experience[…] meeting that first-hand experience was terrifying for me because it made me question my safety and […] want to go back into the closet even thought I knew that wasn’t the right decision to do because that would be awful for my mental health” (11:18).

Dylan said that he believes these people acted the way they did towards him because they were insecure about their own identities. He claimed that men with fragile masculinity are commonly the people who have problems with him being transgender. He believes this is because him being a transgender man forces other men to question what makes them men (10:44).

Dylan’s explanation reminded me of the theme in our class that victimizers are often trying to hide something about themselves. We studied the 1959 Eugene Ionesco play Rhinoceros that comments on the spread of Nazism through the metaphor of characters becoming rhinoceros. The character Beouf is never seen on stage but he is mentioned as the first person to become a rhinoceros. He was said to conform quickly as an attempt to hide an insecurity or questionable past. This situation in Rhinoceros is comparable to the guys who questioned Dylan’s masculinity because they were insecure about their own masculinity.

Photo from the interview, Screenshot taken
*by Maria E Starns,* February 2019, *All rights reserved.*

I also asked Dylan if he would have changed his minimal reaction to the situation given the opportunity. He said he would not have changed his reaction because he did not want to jeopardize his safety.

I always like to fantasize about being in that situation again and like telling them off and having one of those big movie stand up moments. But I don’t think I would actually do anything different because in those moments I didn’t say anything because I was unsafe […] I don’t think it would have been worth it if I reacted any other way (14:41).

I thought this subtly related to the theme of choices in our class. Dylan technically had the choice to fight back but he decided it was not worth it. His safety was more important than telling off a bully. Dylan’s situation differs from the idea of “choice-less choices” presented in our class because Dylan was able to make a good choice for his own safety and well-being. “Choice-less choices” refers to choices that victims have to make that will turn out poorly either way; neither choice is good in these situations.

When I asked Dylan about the hardest issue he still faces today, he mentioned the rejection of trans people from society in general. Inclusivity of the trans community is growing but there is still a general sense of taboo both socially and politically. That is especially true here in Missouri where Dylan lives. Our state lacks legal protections for LGBT individuals in housing, employment, and other public amenities. The ACLU supported Missouri Non-Discrimination Act (MONA) has been presented to the state legislature for more than 20 years in a row. MONA would ensure these legal protections to LGBT individuals but has yet to pass through the legislature (ACLU 2019). Dylan also used this opportunity to explain the fear and trouble of meeting new people.

I only really get nervous about me being trans when I meet new people because I know that not everyone is accepting, and I’m just sort of fearful that they’ll reject me or hurt me in some way […] it impacts a lot of the ways in which I interact with other people (16:24).

One of my favorite parts of the interview was when I asked Dylan what he had learned from being transgender. He took this as an opportunity to describe some of the more positive aspects of him being transgender. Dylan discussed the security he has in his identity and who he is as a result of being trans. Dylan said that if he was given the opportunity to change himself, he wouldn’t (6:55).

I feel like I have a security in my identity that a lot of cis people don’t have. Because I went through the process of questioning my gender and then coming out and then going through the process of accessing hormones and then changing my name. I’ve been through all of this stuff just to be who I really am […] It’s like a relieving experience to know who I am […] and I feel like a lot of people don’t get that experience (17:30).

Recent selfie taken by Dylan, February 2019, All rights reserved.

He also positively spoke of a therapy group for trans people he attends. He said that it’s “nice to be around people who get it” (8:05). He described this as a place where he feels particularly welcome. Despite the people who have put him down for who he is, Dylan has found security in himself.