The sunlight slips through the shutters of Claire’s bedroom. It is a frigid winter morning. The sky is clear and the sun is shining, but a bone chilling wind keeps the temperature just above freezing. Claire wakes up and walks to the bathroom. Her husband Joe is still asleep. She brushes her teeth and washes her face. She looks at her reflection in the mirror and wishes she looked different. A long and lonely wrinkle crossed her forehead revealing her age. She does her makeup and changes her clothes.
When she opens the door the frigid breeze rushes past her face. It feels sharp and makes her shiver. She rolls up her scarf and starts walking the dog down the block. Her neighbor is sitting outside as usual. She waves at him and mumbles a friendly “hello.” She always thought he was a very strange person. His wife had died many years ago, before Claire moved to the neighborhood. There were rumors about her death. That it was not an accident. That he went crazy because she wanted to leave him and he pushed her down the stairs. Claire keeps her distance and limits her interaction to a minimum. Just enough to be polite. She hurries her dog, Kara, so they can return to the warmth of the house. The wind is whooshing and Claire hates the cold. They return to the house at a fast pace. The radio is on and the smell of bacon is coming from the kitchen. Joe is up and preparing breakfast.
“Good morning babe. Are you ready to eat?” says Joe.
“Good morning. Yes, I’m starving.” replies Claire.
“I’ll have the eggs ready in a minute. So, how was your walk? Is it cold out?”
“Yes, it’s bitter cold and the wind is terrible. I don’t know why the sun even bothers anymore. Kara is so stubborn, she could be freezing her paws off but she refuses to come back before we complete our usual route.”
“You know how she is with you. You don’t walk with her as often as I do, that’s why she gets so excited.”
“I know, I know. I wouldn’t mind walking her more often, if the weather were nicer. I am going to make more coffee.”
“I cleaned the filter and put in more coffee already. You just need to add the water and turn it on.”
“Great. Thank you.”
After Joe leaves for work, Claire goes to her office and starts working on her computer. She works for a telecommunication company. She likes to work from home, it makes her feel comfortable. She thinks that working from home allows her to hide from her coworkers so that they can forget that she is overweight. Claire usually ignores these thoughts. Thoughts that do not correspond with her reality as a successful professional. Nevertheless, they are always present in the back of her mind. She reflects on her self-esteem every so often. About how she constructed her self-image. About all the times that people told her she needed to change. That she needed to be
different if she wanted to achieve her goals. About that agent in Florida who once told her she needed to lose weight to be an actor. That it was unacceptable for her to be overweight. Why could people not look at her beyond her appearance? Is society so blinded by vanity? Obsessed with the superficial, the superfluous and meaninglessness of the external? To the point of dehumanizing people and transforming them into living displays of acceptable looks? Why was she unacceptable? Who set the standard for women to be slim? The people who surrounded her and acted in a condescending way or treated her as if she had a disease; were they all just following the script that society set for overweight women? Her mind wonders about these thoughts as she works on her computer.
Winter passed. It is fall and the trees outside Claire’s house are beautifully colored. Bright yellow, red, and orange tones transform the landscape as autumn appears. Claire is working in her office as usual. The TV is on in the other room. She likes to leave it on for noise. It makes her feel that she is not alone when Joe is at work. The news is on the television. They are covering the Weinstein scandal, as new allegations of sexual harassment, assault, and rape are made public. Claire cannot focus, her social media is flooded with comments and stories, part of the #MeToo movement. Women across the nation are stepping out to tell their stories. Stories that involve men with power harassing women and participating in despicable behavior. She has been thinking a lot about it for the last couple of weeks. It is hard not to when the media is overloaded with such stories. Claire is a happily married woman. She has a good standing in life. A successful career. A lovely home. A husband who loves her. Friends and family who also love her. Everything is looking good for her. But beneath her seemingly happy life, something is burdening her.
After a while, she gets annoyed and turns the TV off. It disgusts her to keep hearing about those men. It makes her feel angry and upset. Her cat shows up and stares at her silently from across the room. His big feline eyes look directly into hers as if he knows that she is hiding something. It appears that he is looking for an unspoken truth behind her eyes. She looks at him and tears start to roll slowly down her cheeks. Something inside her has surfaced, something painful. She sits on the floor and cries aloud. Kara comes in and sits next to her, licking her face, trying to comfort her. Claire lays on the floor, now in silence. Kara lays with her. The voices of many women who were victims as she is resonating in her head. She feels compelled to face a painful memory that she has kept secret for many years.
Joe returns from work in the afternoon and finds Claire in bed. She is asleep. He approaches her and kisses her softly so as not to wake her up. He goes downstairs to the kitchen and Kara comes to welcome him. He pets her and enters the kitchen. The counter is messy and there are two empty wine bottles in the sink. He is surprised; it is not normal for Claire to leave a mess like that. There is a pan on the stove with two steaks in it. He checks the fridge and finds a big bowl of salad ready. He starts cleaning and cooking the steaks. The table is already set. Dinner is ready, so he goes to get Claire. He calls her gently, and tells her dinner is ready. She looks at him with a blank face.
“What’s wrong babe? Are you ok?” Asks Joe.
“Hi Joe. I am sorry I fell asleep. I had some wine and just felt tired.” Says Claire.
“Don’t worry about that. I took care of it. Is there something wrong? Do you want to talk about it?”
She reaches for him in a hug with her face in his chest and starts crying. He holds her and pats her back. He does not know what is happening. He is confused and scared.
“Claire, please. What’s wrong honey? What happened?”
“Joe. I’m sorry I just can’t stand it anymore. I have to tell you something.”
They have a long chat. Claire shares her story with him. It happened many years ago when she was 22. She was at a bar with friends and had argued with a man, who later followed her home and assaulted her. He was a young and very unpleasant man. Claire had responded to some rude comments that he made about her at the bar. Something happened in his mind that drove him to violence. Perhaps he felt empowered to do it. Maybe he felt that he needed to prove his control over her. No matter what the reason, it changed Claire’s life forever.
She never reported it to the police. She did not talk about it with her parents or her friends or anybody. She felt so ashamed and scared. She felt that it was her fault. She carried it as a secret for 23 years. Now she was determined to report it to the police. She could not tolerate the thought that this man could be out there, still hurting women. Claire felt that this was a good moment for her to speak up. A movement was intensifying. Increasing momentum with every story, with every voice and Claire would become one of them.
“Joe, I want to report it.” Says Claire.
“If that is what you need to do. We will honey. I love you.” Answers Joe.
“Thank you. I love you too.”