PJ van Nieuwenhuyse, Picture of PJ van Nieuwenhuyse , Shawnee KS, April 2019. All rights reserved.
Shelter from society
A community
_
Daughter and sister
A supportive family
Son and a brother
_
A light in the world
You love in spite of hatred
You’re my friend, PJ
I chose to write in haiku as a way to symbolize my relationship with my interview partner, PJ. We do not see each other often and rarely speak over the phone or text. Despite the few words between us, there is a lot of understanding and meaning behind our relationship. I have been friends with PJ for years and wanted to write about what I have seen and what PJ has told me about his life during our interview. The haiku format is also intended to resonate with PJ’s inclination towards music and art. PJ’s courage has been an inspiration to me and I hope this poem shows how strong and loving he is.
Elisa Riva, “Mental Health”, 2017, All rights reserved.
Was I so different? Were my goals so wrong?
Clouded my thoughts, ruining my existence
I wanted to be happy, be with right person
Suffocated by the wool they pulled over me
Mask of cotton hiding the truth, unseen
No choice was there, I had to breath
The truth was here, they needed to see
Removing the shackles of my fleece prison
Above the herd I had risen
Appeared to have the same face, but different
My face is still there, isn’t it?
My feelings were true, they said it was a sin
Held tightly by the jaws of Satan
I realized then I was neither sheep nor devil
Instead I was human, trapped in the middle
Their clothes of wool and these bleating sheep
Turned sour snarls and gnashing teeth
Before were sheep, now turned wolves
Convulsing, disgusting, wretched souls
Barking, biting, clawing, scraping
Screaming, crying, running, shaking
“Help me! Please!”
I screamed and screamed
I had no choice, I had to flee
That was the only way I could be free
I grabbed my things and flew far away
I found myself a new place: a city
Andre Peterson, “Kansas City – Grass Field Beside Building Structure”, 2019, All rights reserved.
No sheep, no wolves, no devils; but people
When I showed my face, they did not
tremble
I had family, friends, and a new home
Rather, they welcomed me with open
arms:
My partner that I love and cherish
I had to protect it: my right to love
I now go far and wide
From political to social
From down below to up above
Architect of the Capitol, “US government”, 1996, All rights reserved.
“Accept people for who they are,
To tell everyone about my message:
Not for who you want them to be!
People speak up and out!
Stand together and with each other,
as parts of community or allies;
We are united, we are as one,
We will create a more accepting world!”
Steven, “Picture of Steven”, 2019, All rights reserved.
I interviewed a former member of the LGBTQIA affairs council at UMKC, Steven, where we discussed his struggles with his sexuality throughout his life. Steven was homosexual amongst a religious community intolerant of homosexuals, forcing him to act the role of the “black sheep.” Even with this, Steven still was involved with the church community, providing the metaphor that Steven was a “sheep following the herd.” Throughout the poem, I used other words such as “herd”, “wool”, “cotton”, etc. to follow the symbolism. The line “Suffocated by the wool they pulled over me,” means the “sheep” – Steven’s community – were forcing their views upon Steven, overwhelming him and, in a sense, “suffocating” him. Throughout this part, Steven struggles to find the strength until finally can remove “the shackles of [his] fleece prison” and rises above the herd, a symbol of Steven coming out to his community.
I drew from other artistic sources to compose this poem. One of them was Night and Fog by Alain Resnais. It is a documentary describing people’s lives in death camps during the Holocaust. At one point the narrator questions “[w]ho among us keeps watch over this strange watchtower to warn the arrival of our new executioners? Are their faces really different from our own?” Resnais questions, how can these “executioners” do such cruel acts towards their fellow human? I wrote the line “Appeared to have the same face, but different/ My face is still there, isn’t it?” I was inspired by this quote, emphasizing that his community that he grew up with suddenly couldn’t “recognize” him, they couldn’t accept him.
The sheep transforming into wolves was inspired by the play Rhinoceros by Eugene Ionesco. The concept of the play was that people were changing into rhinoceroses, except for the protagonist, Dudard. This created a lot of confusion and panic between the humans and the rhinoceroses. Since humans spoke a different language compared to the rhinoceroses, communication between these two groups was impossible. I used the lines “Their clothes of wool and these bleating sheep/Turned sour snarls and gnashing teeth,” describing the people of Steven’s community transforming into these creatures that he could not relate to anymore. He could not reason or communicate with them, so he had to move somewhere else.
Steven, “Steven and Spouse”, 2019, All rights reserved.
The last ark of the poem talks about Steven moving to a new place – Kansas City – and finding a community that accepts him and his identity, during this process, he finds his husband and establishes his life. During the interview, once Steven made it to Kansas City, he said he started “trying to empower and involve [himself] with friends, community, organizations that are supportive and uplifting; also trying to educate and advocate for myself and others, teaching others things that they might have never gained any kind of insight, exposure, too.” He is also an advocate for implementing government policies that support him and his community. I used the lines “I now go far and wide…We will create a more accepting world!” because of his involvement and goals of creating a more accepting world the LGBT community. I also decided to change the rhyming scheme to a non-rhyming scheme to establish these ideas a little more clearly.
Nancy Ziegler, Photo of Jonathan and I, Kansas City, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
In recent years, there has been a growing acceptance for people who are LGBTQ+. We can see this through events like the United States making gay marriage legal in all 50 states, through shows like Queer Eye that have exploded in popularity and through many teenage movies such as Love, Simon that speak of acceptance. This outburst of support has been a recent development, and my friend Jonathan and I remember growing up in a time where it was still of taboo to be homosexual. Even more so when compared to 70 years ago. Gay people have been persecuted throughout history in almost every culture. They were included in the groups of people sent to death camps by the Nazis, but their stories are largely nonexistent. Discovering a chance to get the story of my gay best friend, seemed like a great way to honor the gay people who never got to tell their stories.
Jonathan was adopted from Moldova when he was a little over a year old. He grew up in, “…a very liberal, very comfortable family” (01:15). He admits to having a negative self-image while growing up, especially when he realized his sexuality and in turn how society viewed it at the time. He references one specific factor that played a role in this self-image, his father and the jokes made about gay people. I understood what he was talking about, growing up calling someone gay was just something you did, there was no thought behind it.
Jonathan Cruickshank, Photo of Jonathan’s Moldovan Passport, Kansas City, 2019. All Rights Reserved.
Jonathan Cruickshank, Photo of Jonathan’s Adoption Papers from Moldova, Kansas City, 2019. All Rights reserved.
Similar to the mob mentality that people took on during the pogroms in WWII. “Before I even came out to anyone my dad would jokingly make like very crude jokes about gay people. And you know the funny thing is, there was no motive behind it” (02:25). The results were a complicated relationship between father and son, where Jonathan saw a complicated picture. On one hand, he saw his father as the liberal, very accepting man that was someone he could look up to, but on the other, he still said these horrible jokes about gay people, intentional or not. His father became an example of what Jonathan came to worry about other people. This same kind of fear many gay people back then had to live with as well, except none of them could come out. “If my own father thinks this, even if there is no motive behind it, then God what is someone walking down the street going to think of me?” (03:10).
When Jonathan finally did choose to come out to someone for the first time around 6th grade, it was not a well-received response, so much so that this person told him, “well that’s just disgusting” (05:28). This shocked me because Jonathan and I were friends for over a decade, yet I did not know about this incident. I was also shocked because of the response, it doesn’t make sense in my mind to justify saying something like to anyone regardless of your relationship. Jonathan responded to my disbelief, “So even if it wasn’t her like calling me disgusting, it was like her calling my sexuality disgusting [but that’s] still apart of me” (06:00). This was thankfully the only negative coming out experience that he ever had to deal with. Jonathan says that as he got older, he became more sure of himself, and that the people he did choose to come out to, it took a lot of confidence to do that. But it brings up that question anyway of why do gay people even need to “come out”? No one goes to their loved ones to declare being straight. Because in our society we just assume the default sexuality is heterosexual, and that because you’re not a part of the “norm” you need to officially declare it, which seems like it would have some negative stigma to it.
The Flag Shop, Photo of a Rainbow Flag, theflagshop.co.uk, April 2019, Copyright The Flag Shop All Rights Reserved.
In addition to a bad first time coming out experience, Jonathan had experienced another negative response to him just being himself again, through words. We were seniors in high school at the time and he was working at a kid’s clothing store, primarily a girls one. He had been experiencing a normal shift when a father and daughter duo came into the store. He had assisted them in finding her some outfits, most of which she liked and they were ready to check out. As Jonathan was ringing them up for the clothes the father said something to Jonathan. “…the dad you know jokingly says “God you must be a fag to work here”. And I was just kind of like no, not really. Sexuality doesn’t really play a role in the hiring process here” (10:10). Jonathan said that nothing had escalated further from the one comment and that even though it may seem like a minor incident it was a major one in his life. I made the comment of comparing this remark to the ones that his father had made about gay people. They are the kind of comments that stem from ignorance and more people aren’t even aware of the implications that their words have. A big difference between the two is that Jonathan’s father genuinely cares about him and that this was a stranger trying to be funny. This was another incident that affected his self-image that he admits he is still struggling with today, but fortunately not enough to completely shatter the confidence that he has been building over the years.
The topic of self-image and worrying about what other people think led us into the discussion of things like public displays of affection (PDA) with a significant other. PDA is a common sight with straight couples, it is one of those things you grow up seeing on TV and in public spaces. Seeing PDA with a gay couple? Not nearly as common, although this trend seems to be changing. Jonathan however still feels that discomfort that society exudes when a gay couple chooses to display affection. “It’s not like I’m not comfortable with PDA and it’s not that I’m not comfortable holding my boyfriend’s hand while I walk down the street. It’s the fact that I don’t feel safe” (14:54). This is another one of those things that straight couples and people, in general, do not seem to worry about or have ever had to think about. As his friend I understood Jonathan put a lot of thought into his appearance and I always attributed that to someone who cared about their health and taking care of themselves. While maybe a small percentage of it may be that, most of his need to take care of self-image stems from the fear of being judged, and possibly a confrontation. In regards to someone actually approaching him and saying something just because of the way that he is, he says, “That’s more fearful to me because I know words have more of an impact that someone else’s actions do. It almost strikes me with fear and almost shuts me down to the point where, like I said, I’m not going to walk down the street. At least in Kansas City, I’m not going to walk down the street holding my boyfriend’s hand because I would feel very uncomfortable” (17:52). I understood why he would feel that way about Kansas City. Despite the progress that has been made in Kansas City for the LGBTQ+ community, it is still not nearly as accepting as a place like San Francisco. The representation in a state like Missouri is still so much more conservative than a place like California, and not having representatives who advocate for your sexuality still allows for those unfavorable parties to speak out against the gay community.
Jonathan Cruickshank, Photo of Jonathan, Chicago Pride, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
However, despite all of the negative experiences that Jonathan has dealt with, he is optimistic about the future. He believes that as our generation gets older, as well as all the younger ones, that a more accepting society will emerge. When I asked him there was one thing about our current society that he wished to change “that societal ideal that a man and a woman, that’s the perfect marriage” (19:04). He also offers one piece of advice to others that may be in a similar situation “Gauge your situation, and if you don’t feel comfortable doing it, then don’t do it” (20:43). He continued to talk about what made him so optimistic and this made me reflective. I had never discussed this with Jonathan so deeply before. And while I already viewed myself as someone who was accepting of gay people and people of different sexualities, I was never given the perspective of what it felt like to be gay. And with one of his final statements, he summed up how we both felt “People should and can be more tolerant” (22:56).
UMKC, Photo of UMKC Trumpet Ensemble, Tan-Tar-A Resort, April 2019. Copyright Free
Andy Chapel is a student of the Conservatory of Music and Dance at the University of Missouri- Kansas City. He is in his sophomore year of a Bachelor of Music Education degree, and his primary instrument is the trumpet. He is employed by the Office of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion as a Diversity Ambassador, and is an LGBTQIA Leadership Scholar (00:17). Andy spends his time outside of his studies as an ambassador for diversity and the LGBTQ community because he identifies within the LGBTQ community, as a transgender man.
Mid America Freedom Band, Andy Chapel performing “There’s No Place Like Home, Lyric Opera of Kansas City, April 2019. Copyright Free
What does transgender mean? Labeling someone as transgender means that they have transitioned from their birth gender to one that suits their personality and identity better. Transitioning for Andy came early on, he spent time researching and learning about the LGBTQ community from thirteen years old, and officially transitioned and started to identify as a Transgender man in his late high school years (01:20). Especially early on in his transition, it was difficult for him. Often, people would just not recognize or honor his transition. He’d feel pushed aside or ignored, people were generally apathetic or not sympathetic towards him because transitioning isn’t something that most people ever have to deal with or think about- it really is a foreign concept to almost everyone.
Nobody wants to be ignored. Especially in the developmental golden years that overlap high school, peer acceptance is important to everyone if they’d like to admit it or not. These feelings of being unwanted, overlooked, and unimportant were difficult for Andy. He felt as though he had missed opportunities, and that he had lost the support of many adults and most importantly, his parents. Because it’s so common in American society to segregate things by gender, like our gym classes, Andy also had a lot of trouble fitting into either category which led to further feelings of ostracization (05:00).
Andy Chapel, Filming the Depiction of Music of the 20s, April 2019. Copyright Free
This lack of a solid support system isn’t just a problem for Andy. In his case, it’s made finding jobs harder. Does he write his birth name on his resume, or does he write Andy? Of course, he would prefer to be able to just write ‘Andy’ and not worry, but because in the state of Kansas he cannot have his state identification altered, he risks appearing invisible to background checks performed by potential employers. The employers would have to know him by his birth name and gender which is an identity that he is working very hard to bury. Not only is being trans a handful from an employment viewpoint, but Andy’s dating life is also complicated because of his gender identity. Often people shut him down just based on his gender identity, not because of personality traits or incompatibilities (12:20).
Early on in his transition, Andy’s reactions to adversity were passive. He would remove himself from uncomfortable positions. Especially in his high school coed gym class, there were a lot of people being mostly unintentionally, but sometimes intentionally very nasty towards the queer community. People often make these kinds of jokes without realizing that there could be people around that the jokes directly affect. People just want to fit in with their peers, and if their peers are making insensitive jokes, chances are others will join in without realizing the full weight of their words.
The ‘Banality of Evil’, a phrase introduced by political theorist Hannah Arendt in her 1963 book Eichmann in Jerusalem brings to light parallel ideas about the normalization of abuse and oppression. The phrase is defined as meaning “evil that is motivated not by a diabolical will, nor a sociopathic desire, nor even by ideology, but by the desire for professional promotion or simple thoughtlessness and lack of analysis” by Arendt. In much the same way people that didn’t support Nazi ideology collaborated with the Nazi regime, Andy’s peers were collaborating with homophobic ideologies even if they were not homophobic themselves. They collaborated for much the same reasons as well. Even though they weren’t homophobic, they heard others making insensitive jokes and comments, and wanted to gain social status by conforming to what the majority was doing, even if they didn’t think it was right. Those without homophobic beliefs likely did not consider the implications of their jokes, unaware that it was so directly harmful to people nearby.
When the people in the coed gym class would say hateful things and make insensitive jokes, Andy’s strategies consisted mostly of making himself unknown to those who would put him down. He changed into gym clothes in the nurse’s office, instead of in the locker rooms with the rest of the students to help protect his identity. Although he was known as ‘Andy’ to this specific class, not everyone knew the truth about his gender. He refrained from commenting on nasty things that were said out of fear. If these people knew who he really was, what kinds of things would they say or do to him?
Without the know-how or confidence to properly educate people, the easiest possible solution was to hide. Being forward enough to speak out against people who are speaking wrongly against how you identify was not something that Andy was not ready to do at this point in his life, especially when the jokes and abuse targeted him personally. Gym classes specifically are very gendered, so it felt like a ‘David vs. Goliath’ type situation (22:32). Even to this day, Andy is scared by past experiences with ‘toxic masculinity’. Being so unlike other men, and previous poor experiences with “Cis-Het Men”, born males who identify as their born gender and are attracted to the opposite gender, being in places where he’s placed under a lot of scrutiny will likely never be completely comfortable for Andy (27:18).
Nina Cherry, Andy Displays His Artwork, Jones Art Gallery, April 2019. Copyright Free
The lack of good peer and parental support forces trans youth to grow into independence much faster than other youth. For Andy, the biggest move for his own mental health standpoint has been transitioning and then finding the support systems that worked for him. His parents would not be of much help, refusing much financial or emotional support. Seeking validation from like-minded individuals, or even just finding people to talk to that will understand and not question your feelings and beliefs are more helpful than you might think for your mental health, according to Andy (33:23). Coming to the realization that he wasn’t alone in the world, no matter how much it felt that way, was the difference between making it through some situations and giving up.
Andy Chapel, With Members of Trans+ Social, UMKC Student Union, April 2019. Copyright Free
The biggest side effect of Andy’s growth since transitioning has been his confidence in activism. The independence of being a college student, living on his own, and his involvement with diversity programs, Andy is more comfortable with who he is. He’s met people who he relates to through groups like Transplus Social, a student organization at UMKC that he is the co-president of. Most important to his development is creating these connections and creating an environment in which he can thrive. Compared to his high school experience, UMKC does a very good job from the top down to make sure that people of all shapes, sizes, and beliefs feel at home and involved (12:31). This feeling of acceptance means that Andy can be the force that helps other LBGTQ folk feel at home by standing up for them and for himself. He’s “more open”, a stronger personality and presence can do a lot for other LGBTQ folk’s comfort, and for the non-LGBTQ folk’s awareness and sensitivity towards them. His presence adds a lot more weight and an extra reality check to people who are okay with making transphobic ‘jokes’, and people like him are integral for the advancement of the LGBTQ community.
One of the biggest things that Andy preaches to non-LGBTQ people is to understand that no two trans folk are alike. There isn’t really an accurate image that depicts what everyone looks like, or how all trans folk act. It’s important to expand your horizons on what the idea of a trans person could be, and most importantly be careful to use sensitive language and be aware that these people could be around you at any time. Spending the extra time to research what it means to be in the Trans community, even if you aren’t, goes a long way to ensuring their comfort (36:00).
Society has a habit of wanting to change people. Individuals would like for everybody else to look like and behave like them. When people do not conform to the traditional ideas of what is acceptable, they become targets for discrimination and dehumanization. It has become easy for the modern person to assume that overt dehumanization is an issue that is locked away in the past, that somehow we as a modern society have moved past such behaviors. But reality would point to a different conclusion. Noah Hanratty is a freshman at the University of Missouri and knows first hand what it feels like to be dehumanized and to have to live in constant fear of how society will treat them. Noah is openly non-binary and uses they/them pronouns to describe themselves. Non-binary means that Noah wouldn’t say that they are male or female; instead, they are “Sitting happily in the middle” (21:37). This identification as non-binary goes against societal norms, in which everyone exists on a gender binary. For most people in society, gender is a check yes or no question, either you are male, or you are female. This exclusion from the social norm would make Noah stand out from other people and unfortunately bring on discriminatory behavior.
Noah Hanratty, Photograph of Self, Columbia Missouri, February 2019, All rights reserved.
This idea of being non-binary was mostly foreign to me before actually meeting Noah. I am a cisgender female, which means I was born a female and that’s how I identify now. During my time growing up and going through school I had been vaguely aware of people who were transgender or non-binary, but the idea of not fitting into the gender binary was never something that directly affected me, so I never thought I had a reason to consider it. However, being unwilling to try and understand the daily struggle that Noah and people like Noah were going through only added to their daily effort to have their identities recognized as valid. To not have your identity be considered valid is a dehumanization tactic to try and either get people like Noah to conform to societal standards or have people remove them from society. Noah’s mother even said, “That she’d never call me by those pronouns” (10:30). It seems to me that tactic that Noah’s mother is using is an attempt to try and have Noah conform to what society says Noah should be.
That conversation was not an isolated incident with Noah’s mother. Noah knows that their mother is “very religiously motivated when it comes to some things. And so she says that basically, she knows where I’m going” (11:48). It appears to me that Noah’s mother is trying to use religion, something that Noah grew up with, as a way to make them feel like how they identified was wrong, that they weren’t allowed to do that. I attend church and have heard the argument that she is making. It’s the idea that God created man and woman and that there is no in-between that can exist. By using religious arguments, she is trying to tell Noah that they need to change or else. It’s a thinly veiled threat that something will happen to them unless they start acting how religion says so. It is these sorts of threats that would make Noah feel unsafe and threatened. These threats are implying that Noah is some sort of “other” that does not belong in society; it’s a dehumanization tactic. It is important to note though that not all people who are religious believe this and behave this way. However, because of this argument that Noah has heard repeatedly from their mother they say, “I don’t feel safe in the church” (11:48). Which is understandable. If someone who claims to represent a particular religion were threatening me with Hell, I wouldn’t feel safe either.
But religion isn’t where Noah’s mother stopped in her attempt to have Noah conform. Noah asked their mother, “If I got married to a woman would you be there? And she said she didn’t know. And so just like that was the turning point” (10:45). This comment would appear to be an attempt by Noah’s mother to show that her support and love is conditional. If Noah doesn’t conform and marry a man, their mother may not come and support them at their wedding. Parents play such a vital role in weddings, so by saying that she might not be their Noah’s mother is saying that her support and by extension love, is dependent on Noah behaving as their mother would want them to. These comments made Noah feel so unwanted that they thought it was necessary to move out of their mother’s house. With the help of a friend Noah packed up all of their things and left the home that they had grown up in so that they could find a place where they felt accepted and validated. The emotional hardship of all of this was apparent for Noah, “You’re my mom, you’re supposed to be there for me” (12:36). By using her support as a tool to try and make Noah say that they are a female, Noah felt that their mother wasn’t doing what she was supposed to do as a mother.
When I first got to hear Noah’s story and hear about the things that were said to them, I was shocked, and I felt terrible. I wanted to be able to go back in time and stop any of this from happening to them. These comments that their mother had made seemed so blatantly dehumanizing and hateful, but I began to realize that it wasn’t just comments like that that would make Noah’s life more difficult. It was also people ignoring their struggle, which I was guilty of as well. I knew there were people when I was growing up and in high school that was transgender or non-binary, but I wasn’t sympathetic to their struggles because I believed it didn’t affect me. By standing by and not standing up for them in my school or not supporting them when they were going through similar experiences at home, I was also guilty of participating in the process of dehumanizing them. In ignoring the struggle of people around me, I was also a perpetrator of making people feel unsafe and unwelcome. I wasn’t creating an environment where it was okay to be whoever you were. Instead, I was perpetuating the idea that if you weren’t like me, then I didn’t have to care about you. Overt acts are not the only form of dehumanization. By ignoring people, ignoring their identity and their struggles, I also participated in the dehumanization process.
I have gone through much of my life believing that discrimination, dehumanization, and bigotry were small isolated issues. Overt hatred of people who are minorities existed primarily in the past. The few events that did occur were not indicative of most of society, and the perpetrators would be quickly apprehended. I was wrong. People go through life every day trying to avoid conflict. Noah describes it as “It’s kinda like when you’re walking down the street, and you see a frat boy and his friends. And you’re standing you’re like, oh no something could happen, something could happen, something could happen. And then when nothing happens, it’s just like a sigh of relief. Like okay, this time everything is fine. But it’s just kind of like you’re waiting for the dam to burst” (06:50). This perpetual fear that something could happen, whether it’s a physical confrontation or hate speech, exists in every moment of Noah’s life. In his film, Night and Fog Alain Resnais says, “There are those who look at these ruins to-day, as though the monster were dead and buried beneath them. … Those who pretend all this happened only once at a certain time and in a certain place — those who refuse to look around them. Deaf to the endless cry” (31:00). This film, in particular, is looking at the concentration camps and the hatred and antisemitism that caused it. He’s arguing that those hatreds still exist today. It’s foolish to believe that any form of hate or discrimination no longer exists.
However, there is hope for things getting better. For Noah, life has changed and improved with college. He’s found supportive friends and teachers that make him feel safe and that people care about them. That doesn’t mean the struggle is over, but things can get better. To continue to make the world a more accepting place Noah says, “I think it involves a lot of listening and trying to understand someone before attacking them” (22:25). By hearing Noah’s story, I’ve been able to better respond to the people around me who face persecution. By listening to people and attempting to understand them, we can begin undoing the process of dehumanization. I can’t fix the problems of dehumanization, but if I try to understand what the people who are facing it are going through and give them a place so that people can hear their voice, I can help make the change.
Marissa Daisy woke up to the smell of a rainy morning in Kansas City, Missouri. She smelled her mother cooking breakfast while getting ready for the first day of 3rd grade. Marissa was starving. She walked to the kitchen to greet her mother, but more importantly, eat. As she was eating, she combed her hair and got dressed, but she was going to miss the bus. “Don’t forget your backpack!” shouted her mother as Marissa walked out the door. Marissa saw that the bus about to leave the bus stop, so she started shouting and jumping towards the bus driver. Claire, another student on the bus, hurried to the front to tell the bus driver to wait. Marissa noticed the squeaky bus come to a halt. The bus doors opened, and Marissa was able to board the bus. She sat next to Claire to thank her. “Thank you so much, my Dad would’ve killed me if I missed the bus,” Marissa said short-breathed due to the run to get on the bus. Claire didn’t respond, she reached out and held Marissa’s hand until they got to school. Marissa thought this was a normal thing, so she went on with her day. During recess, Marissa located Claire on the monkey bars and walked up to her. “Do you want to hang out after school?” Claire asked Marissa. “Yes!” Marissa responded with excitement. The school day ended, and Marissa and Claire walk up to Marissa’s mom that is waiting to take Marissa back home. “Can Marissa come over to my house?” asked Claire to Marissa’s mom. Her mom was happy to see Marissa is making friends, so she didn’t have a problem with it. They arrived at her place and Claire introduced Marissa to her mom. “Hey mom, this is my new friend, Marissa,” Claire said. Claire and Marissa kissed before her mother could say anything. “That’s how you are supposed to love boys,” Claire’s mom responded. Marissa remembers this moment because this is her first sign of being bisexual.
Olivia Waring, “A bisexual symbol featuring an alternative infinity symbol and a ring”, April 2018, all rights reserved.
As Marissa grew older, she started facing some problems. One problem was trying to date people. During her freshman year of high school, she dated a guy named John. By this point in her life, mostly everyone knew she was bisexual. She and John would always go on dates, and while she was on a date with John, she made some comment about being bisexual, John never knew. He made a huge deal about the situation. He said, “I have to compete with both guys and girls. You will cheat on me with both people, I cannot let you have friends because of it.” (5:54) After this situation, John broke up with Marissa. John did not accept Marissa for who she was. The hardest part about being in a relationship as a bisexual person, as Marissa puts it, is going through a spectrum. The spectrum consists of being equally attracted to the same sex. After this moment with John, Marissa was hesitant to tell others about her sexuality, or that would be the first sentence she would say to others when they first meet. Another problem Marissa faced was her parents knowing she was bisexual. Growing up her parents thought it would be just a phase, that she would grow out of it. Her father had never accepted it. He would completely ignore it when he was around her, or even sometimes he would make fun about it to her sister. “… you’re the only one I have hope for.” (7:54) Marissa wasn’t held to the same expectation as her brother. Her brother was gay, but her father was more homophobic towards him because he expected a son that “played football, did masculine things, and was great with girls.” (10:34) Being a male, I can relate to her father wanting his child to be masculine. My father expects the same from me. On the other hand, her mother accepted her sexuality. She made Marissa feel like she could do what she wanted and not judge her for it. Coming from someone who isn’t bisexual, it would be hard growing up bisexual having someone as close as your father making fun about it. Another problem Marissa faced was telling other females about her sexuality. Girls nowadays are more friendly with each other. After Marissa told almost all her female friends that she was bisexual, they would go through a weird phase. They would often say, “I would totally have sex with you” (3:20). That wasn’t the response she was expecting. Although they were supportive, it made Marissa feel uncomfortable because they were friends, not people she was attracted to. Being bisexual creates problems that you have to face and overcome.
Arzina Zaver, Social Media, August 2014, all rights reserved.
You cannot talk about sexuality without mentioning society and religion. Today, it is a cultural norm to be straight. There is a societal stigma around being bisexual because society does not want to have that label even though they express that feeling. This societal stigma can be compared to those stigmas in Nazi Germany. In an Anchor 214 lecture, professor Bergerson said German citizens were expected to follow the actions of other Nazi Germans. If you didn’t follow the actions of the others you will be questioned. This relates to being bisexual because if you don’t follow the others of being straight, you are going to get questioned. Media plays a huge rule in the social stigma of being bisexual. There are many celebrities and politicians that use their platform to say being apart of the LGBTQ is sinful. People that look up to those who have that view of sexuality would also develop that same view. Media also plays a role in this stigma by television shows. Marissa notices that television shows would show a character having a relationship with the same sex, but never say the word bisexual. Having media give it a name would make people more knowledgeable about being bisexual. It would show that being bisexual is not a bad thing. Bad things don’t always come from the media. Marissa says that it is becoming easier to come out because of people like Freddie Mercury. Freddie Mercury was a famous gay musician. Having celebrities come out helps others do the same because they would feel more comfortable saying it. Marissa states the LGBTQ community has grown over the previous years to the point where they can have a presence without fear. Having that media, they can project their voice and grow together. It is easier to come out when you see others doing the same. Religion also plays a huge role in how a person perceives sexuality. In most religions, being bisexual is a sin. Marissa believes that religion is the main reason people do not accept bisexuals. At a young age, parents start teaching their kids about religion, so their views of sexuality are quickly followed by their parents. Marissa was raised Catholic, and her father made it clear from the get-go. She never knew she would experience something like this. As I have never been in this situation, I can see how being Catholic and bisexual can create conflicts. Although your religion says that being bisexual is sinful, it does not mean you could disrespect others that have that sexuality. Marissa says that if she wasn’t bisexual, “it could’ve made things easier, but at the end of the day it hasn’t created enough of a problem where it made me feel like wow, I hate this, it is making me miserable. I am happy with it; it is a part of who I am.” (4:46)
My name is Antonya Velo and I am a student at UMKC. We were asked to interview someone different than us; someone who has experienced some sort of discrimination. Whether it was because of their gender, sex, race, ethnicity, or sexuality, it didn’t matter.
Photo of Adrian Cisneros, Rudy Cisneros, All Rights Reserved.
I interviewed a friend of mine named is Adrian Cisneros. He is discriminated against because he is Hispanic and identifies as genderfluid and gay. During our interview, I learned a lot more about him and the struggles he faces. There were two things he said during our interview that really stuck out to me. When I asked him what his biggest challenge today was, his response was
“If I don’t express who I really am, I lose myself.”
Adrian Cisneros (08:20)
When I asked if there was ever a time he wished he could change who he was, he said that there have been many times he wished he could change. But the main reason why is because of how others look at him.
“They see someone who I don’t see as myself.”
Adrian C. (05:24)
If he puts on this “heteronormative” mask he’s not being himself. This opened my eyes. We all have masks. We have different personas we put out for the world to see. We only let people see what we want them to see.
Although I am a Psych Major, I have always enjoyed art. Creating art is a way to express how you are feeling without using words. I was inspired to create a piece that would summarize what I got out of the interview. I decided to make a piece that would showcase how you should be yourself. Once you do this, the world is so much brighter. I call this piece “unmasked.”
Unmasked, created by Antonya Velo, All rights reserved.
For further explanation, I titled this “unmasked” because the idea of wearing a mask, or hiding who you truly are, was a repetitive topic during Adrian’s interview. On the right side of the piece, I sketched a simple face without any color or dimension to signify how “bland” or “unhappy” life would be while wearing these masks and hiding who you are. On the left side of the piece, I used acrylic paint to create a fun, messy, carefree rainbow to represent how free life can be if you take off these masks and just be you. I chose to paint a rainbow because it symbolizes being part of the LGBT+ community.
6 Year Old Adrian, Yearbook Photo, Lifetouch 2005, All Rights Reserved.
As stated before, I chose to interview my friend Adrian because I know he struggles everyday with discrimination. It’s not physical discrimination, but it is verbal and passive. What I mean by this is that people give him strange looks and whisper to one another. He also explained that he never knows how people will react towards him (06:46). All he wants is to be himself, without people judging him. This reminded me of the graphic novel Maus by Art Spiegelman. The characters in this graphic novel wanted to hide their identities to keep themselves safe. They need to hide, or wear masks, in order not to lose themselves. However, Adrian wants his identities to be seen. Adrian needs to show himself, or take off that “heteronormative” mask, in order not to lose himself.
Overall, this was an eye opening experience. Today’s society has become more open minded and accepting. However, there is still so much more work that needs to be done for true equality.
Do people’s actions and words deserve to get a rise out of individuals different from them? Is it our duty to fight ignorance and discrimination for the improvement of the younger generation’s future? For being in such a liberal part of the Midwest, she has faced more discrimination than anywhere else. Growing up in three different states, Louisiana, Maryland, and Missouri, her childhood has been shaped to fit the social norm around her. Starting with Louisiana, the southern United States. It wasn’t always easy being an African-American woman in a racist part of town. Growing up with other kids and having them be disgusted by her appearance. She was judged for everything, even the very words she spoke. Apparently being “very articulate with [her] words” and using proper English was not a fad in southern Louisiana (04:21). She was taught well by her mother but was unfortunately made fun of “trying to be white” for not using social slang (04:59). She was not trying to be something she wasn’t; she was living the only way she knew how. They accused her of thinking she was better than the other kids. When she saw other kids experiencing similar racial profiling, she asked for help. She asked her school administrators and they claimed they couldn’t do anything about it. She disagreed, “there is something [they] can do about it. [They] just don’t want to do anything about it” (09:30). She was always “an outcast” and she never even got along with other African-Americans (05:05). She did get “along with white people” but they would often “cross the line” in some of the things they would say (05:05). She has always been isolated because she was different from everybody else. Much like in They Were Just People by Bill Tammeus and Jacques Cukierkorn, a collection of true stories that tell about personal times during the Holocaust. One story in particular about Zygie and Sol Allweiss, a portion of the story says that Zygie was taken in by a nice family because the Germans did not view the “Jews as fellow human beings” much like someone would isolate a person just for their color or appearance (They Were Just People).
When she was in early high school, she began to change; she realized that she was sexually attracted to girls. For her, this was the third tier for social discrimination, and her guardians were not supportive at all. For years she’s been hearing horrible things from the people that she thought were her role models. “We don’t want you to be gay” her mother exclaims, “We want you to have a nice little marriage, with a man” (12:13). Hearing that at an already rebellious age made her even more afraid to express herself. She would try and “force [herself] to be with guys…[she] would always keep going back to girls” (12:13). Trying to be something she was not, she was starting to see that if she tried to live up to her mother’s expectations, she would be miserable her entire life. She realized if her family really loved her, they would not try to change who she already was.
Kansas City is overall, a politically divided city. You have liberals and conservatives; you have safe spaces and places of discrimination. A place that has been safe in her judgment is her place of work. Starbucks has given her a space to be herself and work freely without worry of judgment. She hasn’t “dealt with any racism from [her] co-workers” or “any homophobia” because everyone who works there comes from different backgrounds (14:23). It is important to surround ourselves with positive energy and supportive people, and she found that at her place of work.
So, I asked her what it was like being African-American, homosexual, and a woman. “Sometimes being a woman is like, the third tier” she exclaims (16:08). She has experienced discrimination in all three categories, and the one person she should trust has let her down the most. When she was a young teenager, she was beginning to question her sexuality. “[Her] mother found out that [she] liked girls, and she treated [her] like absolute garbage” (16:40). Her mother took away all of her privileges so she couldn’t contact girls. Her mother used her own religion against her, saying “that’s not what God wants from you” and drove her away from Christianity (16:40). She considered her religion to be her safe space and when her mother used it against her to tell her what she was doing was wrong, she made the decision not to follow any religion. Her mother was ashamed and told her not to express herself on social media out of fear of being embarrassed, but she wasn’t about to change who she was to gratify people she barely even knew. Her relationship with her mother was deteriorating slowly over a period of time, and she has said some crazy things. Her mother asked why she couldn’t be like other parents and “just have to deal with [her] being boy crazy” and not be ashamed of her daughter (19:47). It is hard on her now because she unfortunately still lives with her mother, and their relationship is toxic. It is hard when someone longs for a good relationship with a parent but keeps having to push them away because they aren’t supportive or loving in the ways one would expect. Luckily, she has a strong relationship with her father; she is not completely unsupported in her journey.
One can either dwell on the past or learn from it. This brave young woman has chosen to learn from her past and it has made her so much stronger. “It doesn’t matter if you’re in the black community, it doesn’t matter if you hang around with straight people, gay people, like there is always going to be somebody, somebody that has an issue with you” (24:00). She strives to make a change by encouraging people to be more accepting and open-minded. She gives advice to people in similar situations, “do anything to relieve your stress” she says (26:15). She encourages people not to entertain racism, bigotry, or homophobia. She always picks her battles wisely and intervenes when she feels it is the right thing to do. She doesn’t feel the need to react to everything thrown her way. Patience and tolerance are key for her to live stress-free. “Not every reaction needs a reaction” and I feel everyone should introduce this to their lives and learn from situations (07:13). We as a society should not be focusing on isolating people because they are of a different race, sexuality, or gender. If we express our voice and fight the ignorance and the prejudice in this country, we may be a virtuous nation once again.
“In the second grade, I had a crush on a boy even though in the second grade you don’t know what love is or any of that…I kind of realized that being gay wasn’t normal and it wasn’t until the 8th grade that I was able to look into the mirror and say ‘I’m gay’”(2:16). I met Max our freshman year of high school when we were taking French classes together; it never seemed to bother me knowing that he is gay because that’s simply who he is. He never treated me a different way because of it in the sense that he received the same amount of respect that I received from him. To this day, Max and I are still close friends and have had a class together for two semesters now as freshmen in college. Max is the youngest child in his family and he has an interest in studying neuroscience. From a very young age, Max knew that he was gay, but it wasn’t until he was older that he realized that it is okay to be gay; he should be accepted not simply for being gay, but for who he is as a human being.
Benson Kua, The Gay Pride Flag, San Francisco, Wikimedia Commons, March 2019, Some Rights Reserved
Although his friends are fully aware and are accepting of him, one of his biggest issues was having a partner, or relationship per se, as “normal” people do. “It’s just very lonely. I remember at one point I described it to my friends as I felt like I was Hawaii, and the rest of the world is the continental US.” (3:40) Feeling like an outsider, just how the state of Hawaii is compared to the US, Max still had hope. While the gay community is very small in some places, Max knew that with patience and time would come the right guy for him. Luckily, Max has found someone who cares for him the way he does for his partner. They have been together for over a year now.
To this day, Max does come across certain events where he feels unwelcome or attacked. Recently, a few weeks ago, Max was scrolling through Facebook and came across an article that was shared by one of his friends regarding the idea of teaching LGBT history in public schools. Seeing who shared this article came to great a surprise for Max because he had known this person since they were both very young, since elementary school to be exact. Out of curiosity, Max decided to comment on this post to see her reasoning and understand her view point on the topic. “Somebody on Facebook actually told me that because I am gay, I should be stoned to death because that’s what it says in the bible. This was a person-I actually went to elementary school with them, I was actually really close friends with them; we kind of fell out of contact throughout high school and now all of a sudden they are directly telling me that I should be buried up to my neck and have people throw rocks at me.” (10:24) Max truly was not expecting a response like this, especially from someone who he used to consider a really good friend of his; he simply wanted to know why she had shared this post. “On this specific post it was about teaching LGBT history and she said that she wouldn’t want her kids to learn LGBT history and I was like ‘why?’ You know because it’s just history and it escalated to so much more…” (13:28). Max had noticed that her friends were supporting her views and proceeded to act like Max was not a human but as a target. “Why are you using my sexuality to define me as a whole person? Just treat me like a normal person, if you find out that I am gay or see me with my boyfriend, I hope that your attitude towards me doesn’t change at all.” (29:10) Social issues like this are still very present to this day and it happened to Max so unexpectedly. “I’m happy that I made as many people on Facebook aware of the situation that I could, that way people don’t forget that homophobia is still such a prevalent thing in America, you know? A lot of people think that it all ended when we got the right to marry but that’s just not true.” (18:26) For Max and the rest of the LGBTQ community, marriage is only the first step for having their voices heard.
After going through an event like this from a former friend, Max’s current and closest friends showed him their support and apologized for her actions. “It was nice to have their support but at the same time, their support only goes so far because they still don’t understand what it’s like to truly be in the position that I am.” (15:46) Being in the situation that Max was in isn’t a situation that everyone can easily relate to, having the support from his friends was kind and thoughtful but it still wasn’t enough to repair the damage that was done.
Many people in the LGBTQ community still have a hard time finding the right words to describe him or herself in a way that they will not feel ashamed or unwelcome by his or her family and friends. When I asked Max what advice he would give to others who are still trying to figure out when is the right time for him or her to “come out”, he said “Come out when you’re ready but don’t feel like it’s a bad thing…Also, don’t out other people because I have outed people before when I was younger and it’s something that I regret a lot. If you have just come out you might think ‘Oh it’s not a big deal, everyone should come out’ but you know not everybody is ready, so don’t try to push anybody out.” (26:41) Timing is very critical for each individual and each person does things differently. From Max’s advice, I learned that not everyone is in the same situation about their sexuality and that his or her choice and position needs to be respected at all times, especially in a sensitive topic like this.
No one deserves to feel hated or unwelcome simply because of who he or she is. This goes for all subject matter whether it’s because of his or her race, sexuality, or religion. Innocent people like this deserve to be treated as a person and most importantly as a human being who isn’t harming anyone.
Max has learned a lot about himself, the LGBTQ community, and about certain individuals themselves since the day that he confirmed the fact that he is gay. While at times he feels like an outsider like the state of Hawaii, he knows that he isn’t alone and that he has the care and support from the rest of the continental US. At only 18 years old, he is still learning what it is like to be gay and what baggage comes with it in a society that still isn’t 100% accepting of the LGBTQ community. “I want societies to realize that being gay is 100% natural. A lot of people use that unnatural argument that we shouldn’t allow or accept gay people because it’s unnatural…I just want people to be more accepting of the LGBT community. I mean it gets really annoying after a while.” (32:16) Through personal experiences and experiences from others, he hopes to bring more awareness to people he knows and other communities about how these situations truly need to be understood and handled.
In our junior year of high school, I became friends with my interviewee, CB. Through our friendship, I’ve gotten to know him foremost as someone who is enthusiastic, involved, and hardworking. Together, we navigated our difficult classes with late-night study sessions at Starbucks and memorable but amusing lab incidents. He had already become an important friend to me before I ever knew about his sexual orientation. As his friend, I knew he might have gone through some difficult times because of who he is, and I wanted to learn more about him. In this way, I could empathize with his experiences.
Kim Phan, Photo of CB, Kansas City, March 2019. All rights reserved.
During our interview when I asked, “what words do you use to name your difference?” (00:12) he responds in a blunt but joking voice, “Gay” (00:19).
CB elaborates: “I didn’t have like […] this bright rainbow that showed me like, gay. But, I don’t know, it just felt like it was always part of me” (00:46). When he found a name for how he was feeling, he says, “it was nice to realize that there were other people like that out there like me, that even though I wouldn’t be deemed normal by society […] I would still be accepted by some people somewhere” (30:24). It was also terrifying for him to realize that he belonged to “a demographic that’s persecuted against, and that people can use my quality of being a homosexual against me for no reason whatsoever” (30:24).
Although in recent years society has grown more accepting, regarding the LGBT community, less than a century ago homosexuals were victims of a systematic genocide known as the Holocaust. Nazis forced Jews to wear the yellow Star of David just as they labeled homosexuals with a pink triangle and eliminated them in death camps.
In the twenty-first century, CB faces different challenges. Growing up in a “white, middle-class, Republican family” (1:13) has made it difficult for him to express himself. Even now his parents won’t let him tell his extended family and because of this “I feel like I’ve been blocked from them kind of” (2:10).
Subtle interactions frame how CB sexuality affects his daily life, and overall, his anxiety stems from the risk that his sexual orientation will negatively impact him. He is anxious that the people he meets, especially superiors like teachers, might have a bad perception of homosexuality and will project that onto him (2:49). When he does tell people about being gay, “the first like five seconds of not only their verbal communication but their nonverbal communication tell you it all” (1:33). When he wants people to see him for who he is, as a good student and a good person, he worries that they aren’t going to accept him and will only see him as “just, gay” (2:10). And although he has never been physically persecuted, he does fear the possibility.
It was only towards the end of our senior year did I learn that he was gay. Honestly, up to that point, I never gave it much thought, and the possibility didn’t cross my mind. But once I learned about it, there was no reason for that fact to change our friendship. I felt like that was just a part of the CB I already knew, and I was glad that he trusted me enough to tell me.
Other friends have reacted differently. CB admits to wanting to change during high school in response to this, “I was in a group of friends, who I’m still friends with yes, who are, like my family, white, middle class […] they’re very strong Republicans. And, that’s not saying anything bad against them, it’s just everyone has their different views but, I’ve been friends with them all my life, and I’m still friends with them today” (5:06). Finding a more diverse friend group has helped CB destress, and during the interview, we laughed about how differently he acts around his separate peer groups.
“Look, our nerd friend group is probably like, one of my saving graces for my senior year, because it got me away from everything else, and you guys showed me like […] my friends don’t have to be assholes and I don’t have to hide myself” (6:07).
CB was involved in several extracurricular activities in high school, including cross-country. I remember driving to school for an early class at 6:30 when I would see him running with his teammates on the sidewalk. Now CB tells me that even though he loves running and being with a team, “one of the most, like stressful parts of my day is going to practice” (8:00). Although they never talked about it, he says that some people on his team either knew or suspected that he was gay. He could tell that some of those people were uncomfortable about it “Because I mean we’re all running around shirtless” (7:09). He never faced any serious verbal persecution, instead “Everything that I have like viewed as harmful or persecutive towards myself, has always been non-verbal or just in absent, where they just block me, basically. Or like ghost me and try not to […] come in contact with me” (8:36). In the case of his cross-country teammates, they would look at him differently and it “would just get really annoying and stressful” (8:00).
This ghosting is a kind of symbolic annihilation as opposed to a physical one. Those who don’t understand or think negatively about his difference chose to make him invisible to them, rather than confronting their views. Because of this, they don’t get to know him, and they never see past the label put on him.
According to CB, environmental factors and their upbringing are the reasons people act this way. Parents and peers had certain expectations for the social norm, so when it came to homosexuality, those with more traditional views “didn’t know how to react to it” (9:38). The topic was never discussed at home so when someone raised in that environment does meet a homosexual, “since they don’t know how to react to it, they just, automatically just think negatively” (10:25).
When faced with discrimination, CB chose not to associate himself with those people “because, there’s no point if they’re just going to harm you” (10:52). However, reflecting back, CB feels like he should have “been more upfront about it […] verbal with them, talk to them, not like accuse them of anything obviously, but like, just discuss with them rather than just what I did of just neglecting them” (11:36). He feels like he let those people get away with it and that they are going to act the same to another homosexual. Although he feels like he should have stopped it, he also thinks positively “that because I didn’t get furious and mad at them, and I didn’t accuse of anything […] I took the high road” (11:36).
In his group of friends, CB enjoys being able to think positively and cope by joking about tough things. In an environment where people don’t judge you, “it’s nice because you can focus on what you need to focus on, what you’re trying to get done, or trying to learn […] or just having a good time.” (13:15)
He is mad when he thinks about those of the LGBT community who face persecution, and it scares him knowing that it happens in other places across the world. If he were to travel somewhere like that, he wouldn’t know what to do since he’s lived in a fairly liberal city. For example, in southern America, a person would “have a completely different story […] because of the values down there” (15:48).
Today, CB still struggles with hiding from his siblings and extended family who are rural Republicans. He parents thought that telling them would destroy their family. CB doesn’t blame his extended family because “that’s what they’ve been taught, that’s what they’ve been exposed to.” (16:36) Although he wants to tell them, it scares him as to how to do that. He wonders if it would change the dynamic of their relationships. “That’s probably my biggest obstacle is just figuring out how to tell people who are really close to me.” (17:10)
CB wants people to know that “being gay is not my definitive label.” (21:02) Rather than respond positively or negatively to his sexuality, he “wouldn’t [want people to] to respond at all.” (19:35) He wants society to reach a point where it won’t matter if he tells people that he’s gay and he wouldn’t have to differentiate himself in that way. “I have a lot of different purposes in my life, and I’m a good person, and I do good things […] being in a homosexual community, isn’t, shouldn’t be a label for me and it isn’t a good thing and it isn’t a bad thing. It’s just me.” (21:51)
