The Watchful Other

Don’t say, don’t do anything, just lay low, just don’t say anything. They’re everywhere, they control everything. They’re in my house, they control my money, they control my food.

I feel an outer eye that says I should be scared, but I’m not. The outer eye comprehends not what I go through. They harassed our family, they took away our business. They infiltrate our cities, they watch us, unseen from our eyes, just waiting for us to slip up and take us away.

Can’t trust anyone, they’re even in the people, waiting to rat on us like with Vladek. They’re in our heads, they talk to us, though we see them not—nor know them, they see us, and know us. They’re in the TV, they’re in the movies, they’re in the air, they’re everywhere.

Chung Truong, Photo of Chung Truong as a Child, Oxnard, March 2019. All rights reserved.

The outer eye doesn’t understand though, he’s too young, he doesn’t understand what he went through not. Outer eye don’t waste food, work hard. Don’t do this, don’t do that, obey, obey, obey them.

Our food stand was once sweet, now it’s only bitter. It seems they’ve put their hands in the food. I’m not sad, I’m happy, it’s empty, it means nothing to me, but I am grateful.

Analysis

First and foremost, before beginning to produce this poem, I decided to create my narrative in this format for various reasons. The deciding factor for writing a poem was to create confusion and use a form of expression that seemed very queer for the subject at hand. With communism comes uniformity and I thought that it would be almost “anti-communist” to express oneself differently. Even more so, I wanted to convey the message to the reader about the incomprehensible reality that certain groups of people went through, that even though we try relating and empathizing with people who have suffered a form of persecution or oppression, we can’t truly grasp what occurred. 

When interviewing Chung, he quite frequently brought up how they were always watched. In the poem I referred to the communists as “They”, and to input myself into the poem I referred to myself as the “outer eye”—someone who could envision what was happening, who was external of the time in which those events occurred. The reason I was solely an eye, was that I thought I wanted to understand what he went through, I could not conceive what it could have been like and therefore I was not “fully human”.  The presence of a being watching is everywhere, even within the page I put borders in the original document of red flowers to show the extent of their presence (the communist government)—“they’re everywhere, even within this page!” I tried to relate the poem to Vladek, how he had to be conscious of his actions, and try to remain hidden. In the context of keeping oneself inconspicuous, Chung’s family most likely had to behave more restrained due to the fact that he was Chinese-Vietnamese, and the Vietnamese did not like the Chinese because of propaganda and a perceived threat of the Chinese being spies.

Lastly, the most significant metaphor I used, in my opinion, was, “Our food stand was once sweet, now it’s only bitter. It seems they’ve put their hands in the food.” I chose to say this because my dad’s family did have a food stand, but more than that I wanted again to paint that “they’re” involved in all their affairs, they are constantly oppressing people—having their hands in everyone’s business.

The Art of Attitude

Sherri Collins, photo of Michelle DeWeese and Gavin Collins, Wellington, Mo, 2017, Copyright Free

“So, where did you grow up?”(19:44) I asked Michelle DeWeese, a woman I consider a good friend and a role model. “I grew up in Denver, Colorado. It was a big metropolitan city where I was exposed to Black, White, Chinese, single parents, married parents, rich, poor – I saw a little bit of everything, and that was to my advantage.”(19:56) Michelle is different than most as she tends to look at the bright side, even when things have not necessarily gone her way. Intrigued, I asked, “What words would you use to describe your differences?”(00:09) Michelle then went on to tell me, “My handicap can be described as a birth defect, that was discovered when I was four years old, and the technical name for it was cerebral palsy.”(00:13).

Chart, Types of Cerebral Palsy, 2018, Copyright Free

When I first saw Michelle, I was eleven years old, sitting in church with my mother. Michelle walked by, using two crutches, and moved all the way to the front. I asked my mother why she had to use crutches, and this is the first I had known of anyone with a birth defect. My mother explained to me that there were people that had certain limitations and could not do everything that I could. She told me to be thankful for what I had and not to treat people with handicaps any differently than I would treat anyone else.  I thought, “How did she play sports and run around with her friends when she was a child?” At that moment I was very thankful for the childhood that I had lived.

Sherri Collins, Michelle DeWeese in 2018, Lexington, Mo, Copyright Free

Michelle loves to watch sports, especially when the people she loves are involved. When I asked her about her childhood, she still gave me no negatives. She said, “I had a very positive experience, because being highly verbal, I was a hospital representative for, I guess you would call it poster-child type stuff, for the children’s hospital in Denver, Colorado.” (2:20) While she spent quite a bit of time in the hospital dealing with six surgeries over ten years in her childhood, she has not allowed that to hinder her ability to make friends, and enjoy life. Michelle explained to me that she had three older siblings who didn’t treat her any differently, and that helped her fit in. I personally did not grow up around anyone that was too different from me, and I wondered if she had faced any adversity at school because of her race, African-American, or because of her disability, but again, she gave me only the positive side of the story, “I was in a school for handicapped children and I was not in a mainstream public school. There were nurses and an underground tunnel to the hospital, and there were rest periods, and children of various illnesses, so that’s who I was around most of the time.” (1:03) When I see people with differences, I think of all the challenges that go along with it. I think of people that have been through tough times just because of what they look like or what they believe in. In a book for the history course called Maus by Art Speigleman, Artie’s father survived the Holocaust and suffered through several problems with guilt even after the oppression was over. I wondered why Michelle wasn’t telling me how bad her troubles had been, but only the good things that have come from her life. Later, I got the explanation. Michelle told me, “My mother did not allow me to accentuate my differences very much at all.” (2:20) Michelle’s mother played a huge part in the way that she carries herself. She explained to me that, “She did not let me focus on it. I was not the center of the world.” (8:10) Her mother knew that she was different, being that she was handicapped, but she also knew that her race would be an issue in society as well. “My mother did not allow my race to be a difference. She deliberately asked excellence of us, because she knew that the race issue was already there.” (17:53) I began to wonder about her mother, and why she raised her children to be so tough and to not give in to what the world told them about their differences. Michelle then explained to me, “My mother was raised in the deep South and she was mixed race. And so she saw a lot of the, if I have my history timing right, she saw a lot of the separate water fountains, black and white differences growing up than I did.” (18:33) Her mother, “set out to give us a bigger world than she experienced” (19:35).

Racial Equality, 2018, copyright free

I believe that Michelle has made the most of her life. After earning her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, she went on to earn her Master’s degree in Divinity from Northeastern State University. Earning her degree did not come without challenges. She said, “At one point I was discouraged from getting my Masters because an administrator felt I didn’t have the money to be in the school, but I went to the school with vocational rehabilitation and ended up getting my degree.” (3:17) Despite the outside pressure, Michelle feels that the biggest challenge she faces is within herself. I believe this is true for most people. Humans have a natural need to belong to something bigger than themselves, and it can be a lot tougher to fit in when you have an obvious difference. One obvious example of this is when Jewish people were trying to find their place in Europe in the early 1900s. They were oppressed by every single group of people that they tried to fit in with. With Michelle, her challenge was not comparing herself to others. “Recognizing that dreams that I had for myself were not going to be.” (9:00) This quote from Michelle made me look at my own life and realize how lucky I am to be able-bodied and to be able to achieve the goals that I have set for myself. Michelle has not allowed her limitations to keep her down for very long. She lives independently and functions in society very well. I asked her if she had any hobbies, and she gave me a great response. Her hobbies include “going to the gym, watching people that I know in sporting events, and attending live concerts.” (24:21) I have never heard of a person with cerebral palsy being able to work out. She explained to me that going to the gym relieves stress for her. Michelle has come to watch me play basketball several times when I was in high school, and I think I finally understand why. When I asked her what her favorite memory was, she answered with this, “I think I like most of all watching you, your senior and junior year was a lot of fun. [Tears run down her face] because it allowed me to go back to high school for the good stuff. Just watching you live life, play basketball, hang out with your friends” (26:50). I believe that Michelle loved watching me so much because when she would see me running down the court, or shooting a basket, she could experience the sport through me. Michelle really showed me that being single, African-American, handicapped, or whatever difference one may have, does not mean that you can’t enjoy life. It just means that you have to try a little harder, create meaningful relationships with the people around you, and have a positive attitude along the way.

Madison Bolten, Michelle DeWeese and Gavin Collins, 2019, Lexington, Mo, Copyright Free

The Third Tier

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay.

Do people’s actions and words deserve to get a rise out of individuals different from them? Is it our duty to fight ignorance and discrimination for the improvement of the younger generation’s future? For being in such a liberal part of the Midwest, she has faced more discrimination than anywhere else. Growing up in three different states, Louisiana, Maryland, and Missouri, her childhood has been shaped to fit the social norm around her. Starting with Louisiana, the southern United States. It wasn’t always easy being an African-American woman in a racist part of town. Growing up with other kids and having them be disgusted by her appearance. She was judged for everything, even the very words she spoke. Apparently being “very articulate with [her] words” and using proper English was not a fad in southern Louisiana (04:21). She was taught well by her mother but was unfortunately made fun of “trying to be white” for not using social slang (04:59). She was not trying to be something she wasn’t; she was living the only way she knew how. They accused her of thinking she was better than the other kids. When she saw other kids experiencing similar racial profiling, she asked for help. She asked her school administrators and they claimed they couldn’t do anything about it. She disagreed, “there is something [they] can do about it. [They] just don’t want to do anything about it” (09:30). She was always “an outcast” and she never even got along with other African-Americans (05:05). She did get “along with white people” but they would often “cross the line” in some of the things they would say (05:05). She has always been isolated because she was different from everybody else. Much like in They Were Just People by Bill Tammeus and Jacques Cukierkorn, a collection of true stories that tell about personal times during the Holocaust. One story in particular about Zygie and Sol Allweiss, a portion of the story says that Zygie was taken in by a nice family because the Germans did not view the “Jews as fellow human beings” much like someone would isolate a person just for their color or appearance (They Were Just People).

Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels.

When she was in early high school, she began to change; she realized that she was sexually attracted to girls. For her, this was the third tier for social discrimination, and her guardians were not supportive at all. For years she’s been hearing horrible things from the people that she thought were her role models. “We don’t want you to be gay” her mother exclaims, “We want you to have a nice little marriage, with a man” (12:13). Hearing that at an already rebellious age made her even more afraid to express herself. She would try and “force [herself] to be with guys…[she] would always keep going back to girls” (12:13). Trying to be something she was not, she was starting to see that if she tried to live up to her mother’s expectations, she would be miserable her entire life. She realized if her family really loved her, they would not try to change who she already was.

Kansas City is overall, a politically divided city. You have liberals and conservatives; you have safe spaces and places of discrimination. A place that has been safe in her judgment is her place of work. Starbucks has given her a space to be herself and work freely without worry of judgment. She hasn’t “dealt with any racism from [her] co-workers” or “any homophobia” because everyone who works there comes from different backgrounds (14:23). It is important to surround ourselves with positive energy and supportive people, and she found that at her place of work.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay.

So, I asked her what it was like being African-American, homosexual, and a woman. “Sometimes being a woman is like, the third tier” she exclaims (16:08). She has experienced discrimination in all three categories, and the one person she should trust has let her down the most. When she was a young teenager, she was beginning to question her sexuality. “[Her] mother found out that [she] liked girls, and she treated [her] like absolute garbage” (16:40). Her mother took away all of her privileges so she couldn’t contact girls. Her mother used her own religion against her, saying “that’s not what God wants from you” and drove her away from Christianity (16:40). She considered her religion to be her safe space and when her mother used it against her to tell her what she was doing was wrong, she made the decision not to follow any religion. Her mother was ashamed and told her not to express herself on social media out of fear of being embarrassed, but she wasn’t about to change who she was to gratify people she barely even knew. Her relationship with her mother was deteriorating slowly over a period of time, and she has said some crazy things. Her mother asked why she couldn’t be like other parents and “just have to deal with [her] being boy crazy” and not be ashamed of her daughter (19:47). It is hard on her now because she unfortunately still lives with her mother, and their relationship is toxic. It is hard when someone longs for a good relationship with a parent but keeps having to push them away because they aren’t supportive or loving in the ways one would expect. Luckily, she has a strong relationship with her father; she is not completely unsupported in her journey.

Photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels.

One can either dwell on the past or learn from it. This brave young woman has chosen to learn from her past and it has made her so much stronger. “It doesn’t matter if you’re in the black community, it doesn’t matter if you hang around with straight people, gay people, like there is always going to be somebody, somebody that has an issue with you” (24:00). She strives to make a change by encouraging people to be more accepting and open-minded. She gives advice to people in similar situations, “do anything to relieve your stress” she says (26:15). She encourages people not to entertain racism, bigotry, or homophobia. She always picks her battles wisely and intervenes when she feels it is the right thing to do. She doesn’t feel the need to react to everything thrown her way. Patience and tolerance are key for her to live stress-free. “Not every reaction needs a reaction” and I feel everyone should introduce this to their lives and learn from situations (07:13). We as a society should not be focusing on isolating people because they are of a different race, sexuality, or gender. If we express our voice and fight the ignorance and the prejudice in this country, we may be a virtuous nation once again.

Song 945027


Beki Sidener, the artist’s reflection at the piano, Kansas City, 2019.  All rights reserved.

Walkin’ down from the stadium
At the west end Birmingham
Heard a sound from the boys above
Broken glass, broken glass

Friday night at the restaurant
When the waiter’s gone past
You and them might have had some fun
Move real fast, move real fast

All the things you know
Are the things that you dread
All those things were so
And were not inside your head
What you see, when it’s all said and done
You’re goin’ home, you’re goin’ home                                                                        

Goin’ down to the five and dime
Do your hands down keep ‘em low
Live and learn as you walk down the aisle
Move real slow, move real slow

All the things you know
Are the things that you dread
All those things were so
And were not inside your head
What you see, when it’s all said and done
You’re goin’ home, you’re goin’ home

All the things you know
Are the things that you dread
All those things were so
And were not inside your head
What you see, when it’s all said and done
You’re goin’ home, you’re goin’ home
You’re goin’ home, you’re goin’ home
You’re goin’ home, you’re goin’…

Swing low, sweet chariot
Comin’ for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot
Comin’ for to carry me
Home…
You’re goin’ home, you’re goin’ home

“Song 645027” © 2019 Beki Nixon Sidener.  All rights reserved. / “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” © 1872 Public Domain.

Beki Sidener, Steinway Grand Piano, Kansas City, 2019. All rights reserved.         

About “Song 945027”

Beki Sidener

This song is a creative musical piece based on an interview I conducted with Dee, a young black man and college graduate from Birmingham, Alabama, who now lives in Kansas City, Missouri, and who is one of my work associates. I allowed this recording of the song to remain in a very raw and “live” state with a simple arrangement. This should convey to the listener a sense of angst, in consideration of a context of oppression that moves toward the hope of overcoming an outwardly impossible situation.

Beki Sidener, Dee shows his love of family, faith, and music in the form of a tattoo, Kansas City, 2019.  All rights reserved. 

The title, “Song 945027,” alludes to Nazi concentration camp tattoos – numbers stamped onto the arms of the Jewish residents of the camps – and it is what prompted Dee to roll up his sleeves to show me his tattoos, which he chose to receive, and which display his ideology. 

Drawing ideas from my conversations with Dee and my class on the Holocaust, I wanted to tie together themes of collective persecution of chosen people. One of those ideas was that of broken glass. “Broken glass” refers to bottles that were thrown at Dee by a group of white, drunken college boys, and to Kristallnacht (“The Night of Broken Glass”) when violence against Jews broke out across the Reich on November 9-10, 1938, as shattered glass from store windows littered the streets.

Most of the lyrics of “Song 945027” were written in a cryptic style to broaden the embrace of the message – to make it more universal. In other words, several groups of people may recognize themselves and their situations within the song. An example: “…the boys above” represent anyone thinking of themselves as superior to other people; and these are a type that we will always have with us, everywhere, in all cultures. Also, I used Dee’s dialect. Some phrases were purposefully disjointed and strategically embedded. For example, Dee said, “…dreads in my head…” (5:56), in our interview to refer to his hairstyle. I separated “dread” and “head” to two different lines and assigned a different implication to each, referring to the natural mind’s every day (and minute, hour and second) dread of anticipated and unimaginable treatment, and how it is not just in the victim’s head, as Dee’s good friends tried to tell him.

I chose the musical key of B♭ (B flat), a key often used by Classical/Romantic composers, because of its rich, open character and contemplative nature. This choice is also fitting for Dee’s admirable transparency and the profound, haunting effect that this interview had on me, especially during the transcription process – not so much from the material itself as from the bond that developed between my interviewee and me – from listening to his words over and over.

As well, I re-purposed B♭ to metaphorically translate into “be flat,” for people (or other creatures – spiders are a good example) who alter their actions, posture, or appearance – sometimes to the point of invisibility – to subdue the threat of their predators. The subjugated may disguise themselves to appear to belong to a different ethnic group or culture; or they might lessen their movements, either to hide in order not to be killed, or to not give a false impression of their intentions in order to placate their persecutors. Either way, the victims feel the need to adhere to the “rules of the land” to survive, whether in Nazi-Occupied Europe or their local grocery store.

Beki Sidener, heart on his sleeve, Kansas City, 2019.
All rights reserved.

“Song 945027” employs the chord arrangement of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot,” written by Wallas Willis in 1840. I added the first verse of this Negro spiritual to the end of my song to say that, while Dee has gone through persecution and misunderstanding, he holds to the belief that vengeance should not be a tool in his life’s arsenal.  And while as humans we all cry for relief from pain and long to return home – when all is said and done – Dee recognizes that he has been, and will ultimately be, carried home by his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.