By Caitlin Easter
I’ve always believed that the pressure we receive when we are young to offer physical affection as a way of saying “thank you” is incredibly troubling. The statement released by the Girl Scouts titled “Reminder: Your Daughter Doesn’t Owe Anyone a Hug. Not Even at the Holidays,” touches on the idea of how forcing young children to offer affection to others can blur their understanding of consent. It teaches girls from an early age that if someone buys her something—even when she did not ask for it—she loses the rights to her body because some part of her body is now owed to someone else. Imagine someone on the street walking up to you and handing you something, like a rose, and now you owe them something regardless of the fact that you didn’t ask for the item or compliment they forced on you. It is one of the biggest tactics used by organizations trying to make money because psychologically, we are motivated by the principle of reciprocity. It makes us super uncomfortable when someone gives us something and we don’t give anything back. The man catcalling on the street is “giving” you something, but this doesn’t mean you are required to offer him something in return. Children aren’t being rude by preferring to say thank you, rather than give a thank you kiss. What one thinks is a principle of “being nice” is actually learned misconstrual of something that is so clearly symbolic violence being perpetrated.
Children’s attachment styles can be based on the trust or mistrust they learn at a young age. Your child can already have a disposition for how they show affection and maybe even a subconscious reason for not wanting to hug someone. If your child doesn’t like hugs there are a plethora of reasons why this might be. A few possible reasons could be: mental disabilities, bad past experiences, or a lack of desire to show physical affection, so let your children make these decisions for themselves.
Read: if someone is only giving a gift so they can receive thanks or recognition for the act, then maybe the child who doesn’t want to give a hug isn’t the one with the attitude problem. I can offer my appreciation for something without touching anyone, and frankly, if someone gives a gift they should be okay with the idea of giving without receiving anything in return.
The idea of forced affection has always been a sleazy prospect to me, especially because there are so many people who prey on and use children—whether it be their own or someone else’s—to get things. The site Feminist.com asserts that “Despite the fact that children are more likely to be sexually abused by an adult they know, parents teach children to expect danger from strangers and not from trusted authority figures.” In the 1970’s Diana Russell conducted a study about this issue, and of the 930 women who were interviewed about their past sexual abuse experiences, 38% reported being sexually abused by relatives before the age of 18. It would be ignorant to think that a part of this issue is not due to young girls misunderstanding the meaning of consent.
As my nieces receive their gifts from me this Christmas, a hug will not be expected or required from them. Showing their thanks through physical affection is unneeded when there are so many other ways to show their appreciation. Your child doesn’t want a kiss from Grandpa? Teach her early on that when she declines, no does mean no.