By Devon White & Anonymous
Did you know that stalking can be a catalyst for greater crimes, and force someone to stop living their life to the fullest? I didn’t understand the extremity of stalking until I did research for a UMKC Women’s Center National Stalking Awareness Month tabling event. After the event, I spoke with a friend, who agreed to share a very personal story in order to help any readers out there who may be in a similar situation. This is her story as told in her own words…
I was born and raised here in Kansas City, in a middle class family that seemed on the outside to be perfectly normal. However, for my whole life my father had been suffering from numerous mental illnesses, including Bipolar Depression and Schizophrenia. I did not know about or understand these diagnoses until much later in my life, but his illness caused major problems in our relationship, not the least of which were physical and emotional boundary violations. As a child and a teenager, my father would constantly cross my physical boundaries; standing too close for my comfort, touching me without consent, always staring at me during family gatherings while ignoring everyone else – even his wife. It was so bad that at the age of twelve, I felt it necessary to stuff the keyhole of my bedroom door with toilet paper so that I could be assured that he was not looking in at me.
Once I left for college, a two hour drive away from home, things were much better. And although I never intended to end up back in Kansas City, life events unfolded in that unexpected way that they seem to do. Soon after I moved back, I went for a long weekend out of town to visit my girlfriend in New York. I did not tell my parents about this trip; after all, I was 25 years old, and they were not completely supportive of having a lesbian daughter. Near the end of the long, happy weekend I regained cell phone reception and saw that my father had called me numerous times. With no immediate response from me, my father had decided to begin stalking my apartment, watching for my car and even going so far as attempting to break into my apartment through the front window. Luckily, I was able to call him back before he called the police.
This event began years of stalking that to this day, six years later, I cannot be sure has stopped. I have seen him drive slowly by my residence in years past. Sometimes I would come home from work or school and find a package on my back doorstep from him, which meant that he had opened my back gate and walked into my backyard without my consent. Just last year, I was visiting my mother’s house (she and my father separated several years ago), enjoying a sunny day on the back porch with my dog. Suddenly my dog became agitated and I looked up to see that my father was watching me silently from the neighbor’s backyard, which he had broken into without consent. Feeling once again that I could not be safe anywhere, I retreated back into my mother’s house, made sure that all the doors were locked and the window blinds closed, and did not come out until my mother got home from work and I was sure he was gone.
Throughout this time, nightmares about my father were commonplace. I would dream that he was at my door, pushing his way in, and no amount of physical force that my dream-self could display would stop him. Or he would just appear in the middle of a pleasant dream, ruining any sort of happiness I had previously felt. Even in my dreams, he was invading my boundaries.
For all my life I have known that I did not deserve to be a victim of stalking, and that I was not deserving of this constant fear. Most people in my life, other family members included, did not consider my father’s actions to be seriously harmful. So it took many years of being stalked to realize how psychologically detrimental the experience has been for me. I have been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and social anxiety. I always feel like I’m being watched, or that someone is listening to even my most private moments. I always have to worry about turning around and seeing his deranged stare – at work, at home, at the grocery store. I never know when or where he will show up. Although I do not believe he would ever physically assault me, he does have a history of physical abuse toward other family members and with his unstable mental condition, I never know what will happen.
Just this month, I found out from a friend at the UMKC Women’s Center that there is such a thing as Stalking Awareness Month. I visited the website and found that what I have been experiencing is, unfortunately, very common. Over 3 million people are stalked each year in this country, and more than 75% of them know their stalker. Being the victim of a stalker is no small thing and can have major psychological impacts on your life; it also often leads to more serious crime and sometimes even murder.
If my story sounds at all familiar to you, or if you are a victim of stalking, please know that there are resources to help and people who will listen. Do not be afraid to take out a restraining order on your stalker; there is little to no cost in filing. And be sure to tell other people what is happening, even if they do not take it seriously.
One might not recognize the signs of stalking until it’s too late. That’s why it’s important for all of us to do our part to watch for signs of stalking and recognize when a friend or family member is being stalked. If someone you know expresses fear or concern over a potential stalker, please direct them to:
UMKC’s Violence Prevention and Response Project
National Stalking Awareness Month website
CDC: Violence Injury Prevention & Control
Local Police Department