I’ve just read a blog post from  folks who contributed to the “Crucial Conversations” series of books. They are smart, compassionate, and creative people who base their recommendations on practical research. In their post, “How to Avoid Social Backlash in the Workplace,” they cite research about how women’s forceful comments are more negatively evaluated than the same comments made by men (by both women and men, by the way). The authors advise women to state assertive comments through either a behavioral frame (“I’m going to express my opinion very directly. I’ll be as specific as possible.”), or a value frame (“I see this as a matter of honesty and integrity, so it’s important for me to be clear about where I stand.”).

These guys aren’t being sexist. They’re providing tips to women to succeed in the real world of work. In fact, there are several streams of research in social psychology that affirm this same phenomenon: Assertive, forceful men are seen as masterful and competent; assertive, forceful women are seen as domineering and aggressive.

Before I became an academic, I was an HR consultant in a practice group consisting of three men and me. They were great guys; one was a friend from graduate school. But it was not an infrequent occurrence that as we’d brainstorm solutions to a client issue I would introduce what I thought was a great idea – and it would fall flat. Five minutes later one of the men would suggest the same idea, and they all agreed it was genius. Yes, this was a couple of decades ago, but when I tell this story to my women graduate students, there are a lot of nods. It’s definitely still an issue – we’ve come only a little way, baby.

It’s good to be angry about all this, especially if you’re a woman. Really, any human concerned with fairness and merit-based treatment should be disconcerted, to say the least. So please join me in a giant, muscle-straining frown and growl for the next 30 seconds.

OK, let’s move on. The fact is the world we live in is the only one available right now. If we want to do the work we want to do, we’re going to have to figure out how to politically navigate its waters, whether we’re female or male. That means being sensitive and realistic about how we’re perceived and move forward.

In the Crucial Conversations framework, this can be accomplished in part by:

• Starting with heart – Know what you want (probably to be heard and understood) and what you don’t want (to be ignored or resented because you’re “aggressive”).
• Learning to look – Be aware of the context and conditions: Are others in a place where they could feel easily threatened? What’s your history and level of trust with them?
• Making it safe – Make it clear your goal is not to be overbearing and you respect others’ opinions.
• Mastering your story – Know what you want to say and how to say it clearly.
• Stating your path – Be clear about what you suggest as next steps.

I hope for social change. I try to set an example of being a strong, assertive, approachable, and compassionate woman (I don’t always succeed). I hope our daughters or granddaughters or even great-granddaughters will have an easier row to hoe. But for now, let’s work to thrive in the world we have, however imperfect.