I recently did a short presentation to a class of graduate students on conflict management. Of course, no one is going to become a conflict-management expert after a 75-minute class, and having a short period of time to cover a broad and important topic “concentrated my mind,” to paraphrase Samuel Johnson. So I tried to drill down to the basics.

Many models of practical conflict management exist, and they all share some commonalities. I came up with four. Without these, no effort at mending fences will be successful.

The first is self-awareness. Probably 80 percent of an effective conflict management effort is self-work. Figuring out what we really want: our goal in the relationship – why we want it, and what our motivation is. Among other things, this requires an understanding of how our emotions may be derailing us from seeing the situation clearly. Unless we can focus on the objective facts as we see them, and not just the chips on our shoulders or the bridges burned, our conflict management effort is doomed. We must understand ourselves, our needs, and our motivations to successfully manage conflict.

The second is curiosity. Truly understanding where the other person is coming from requires a keen curiosity about what might be motivating him or her, as well as what’s really going on inside ourselves. This means we have to put the emotional baggage of anger, frustration, fear, etc., on the back burner and focus on the facts. People are interesting – why is this other person saying/acting in this way, and why are we? Humans are an intriguing species, and it’s fascinating to try to figure out all our motives.

The third foundation of good conflict management is an awareness of the other person’s humanity. We may seem fundamentally and irretrievably different, but at our roots our similarities vastly outnumber our differences. Nearly all of us want love, acceptance, success, to be treated with respect, to live in a safe environment, to be understood. Everyone has a backstory that’s rich and meaningful. Keeping this in the front of our minds as we’re addressing conflict makes it easier for us to create a bigger shared data pool, feel empathy, and perhaps ultimately solve our issues.

The fourth foundation of conflict management is based on this shared humanity – it’s love. Compassion for others, love for ourselves, a wish for the well-being for those with whom we work and interact, a passion for what we do, the knowledge we generate, the students we help develop. Without this foundation of positive regard – love – for our lives and those of others, we will struggle with managing conflict and moving forward productively.

Managing conflict is hard, and we don’t have good role models for it. But by understanding the basics, we can start looking at ourselves and others in ways that may help us mend fences and rebuild bridges.