How to escalate conflict

We all love conflict, don’t we? The more, the better, right? It makes us more productive and totally on-our-toes. Who wouldn’t want to escalate a good conflict?

I hope you’ve figConflictured out that as UMKC’s Faculty Ombudsperson, I’m kidding! Some conflict is good. We shouldn’t all agree on everything; in fact, productive conflict is a cornerstone of academic life. Healthy disagreement moves us forward in our thinking, helps liven up classroom discussions, and improves our research. However, the operative word here is “healthy.” When conflicts become counterproductive, time-wasting, or hurtful to important relationships, then it’s time to rethink the situation.

But in the interest of a good sarcastic rant, I’m going to borrow from a recent posting by Dr. Travis Bradberry (https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-win-argument-every-time-dr-travis-bradberry)  and list five tips to “escalate conflict” (remember, I’m kidding here – I’m the ombudsperson, after all).

  1. Be brutally honest. Really, enough is enough. Lay it on the line. That will set him/her straight. You shouldn’t have to take this! Not only will you feel better – if only for about 30 seconds – s/he will recoil or lash back at you. Either way,  you’ve successfully edged the conflict forward.
  2. Share your feelings. Robotically and freely. At all times. People want to know how you feel. When someone irritates you, immediately tell him, “I am feeling really irritated at you.” He will probably respond defensively, which is a good strategy to notch up the conflict.
  3. Defend yourself. If she’s been brutally honest with you, you don’t have to take it either! Tell her why you’re right and she’s wrong. It’s a great way to accelerate the joyful rush of conflict.
  4. Blame the other person. After all, it is obviously (maybe) his fault. Perhaps he doesn’t know this. And even if it’s not his fault, making him think you think that it is will drive the conflict-o-meter right up there where you want it.
  5. Don’t say anything. Just worry about what would happen if you did speak up. This escalates the conflict since you can internally mull it over and over until the gleeful minute when you explode with tip #1.

So there you go! Five easy ways to escalate conflict to ensure a fun-packed, productive, and exciting workplace.

Seriously, these are often our ready responses to conflict.  We generally have poor societal role models showing how to manage conflict successfully. So consider the following options before you knee-jerk one of the five conflict-escalating behaviors:

  1. Be honest, but not brutally. Think about making the conversation “safe” for both parties. That means ensuring the other person understands your motivation is to respond constructively. Tell your story in a way that allows the other person to retain self-respect and dignity.
  2. Sharing feelings isn’t a bad thing. But sharing the facts first will help engage your – and your partner-in-conflict’s – cognitive faculties. It’s much easier for you both to agree on facts than whether feelings are justified or not.
  3. Rather than defend yourself, catalyze your curiosity. As Dr. Bradberry says, “A great way to inoculate yourself against defensiveness is to develop a healthy doubt about your own certainty.”  Why would a rational person, which your partner-in-conflict probably is, say something that made you defensive? Some detective work on your part will engage the brain and disengage your emotions.
  4. Rather than blaming the other person, figure out your role. Perhaps it really is the other person’s “fault,” but was the decision/statement/action justified in some way? What was your part in it? Again, it’s time to involve cognition, not emotions.
  5. What will it cost you not to speak up? Hopefully, you’re getting the idea that indeed, it is possible to resolve conflicts through rational, respectful avenues – getting over a conflict hump can be done with a logical and cheerful open mind. Evaluate what it costs you, your work team, or your productivity to keep silent.

If you need help working through a conflict with a coworker or supervisor, or have other work-related issues, you are encouraged to contact the UMKC’s Faculty Ombudsperson. All inquiries are confidential. More information on ombuds services and contact information can be found on my website: www.umkc.edu/facultyombuds.

One thought on “How to escalate conflict”

  1. Great article! Unfortunately these ways to escalate conflicts are often our immediate response and where we start off in situations of conflict. That is part of why ombuds are so important! We can help figure out what the problem is really about and help the participants to find creative solutions and ways to move forward.

    Welcome to the group of blogging ombuds in higher education! Unfortunately my blog is in Norwegian, but I certainly look forward to read more from you!

    Best wishes,
    Anita
    Ombudsperson for Students
    Oslo and Akershus University College

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