I’d like to reveal two unpleasant facts from the underbelly of conflict management. First: it won’t always work. Second: it won’t always feel great.

Let’s begin with the first. We in the ombuds field like to wax ecstatically about all the bright and cheerful things conflict management can bring: understanding, listening, self-awareness, compassion – we are flowing fonts of optimism. For the cynic, however, these ideas may induce eye-rolling, snorting, or guffawing. Really, they think, can the world ever be that rosy?

As someone in the conflict management field, let me answer that question: Of course not. Principles and techniques about how to get along, presented by a ruthlessly cheerful conflict management expert, sound crazily Utopian. That’s because sometimes they are.

Discerning people respond skeptically to us because they know they will be dealing with actual human beings. Idealist humanism aside, people can be unreasonable, unethical, angry, and frustrating. You can read a great example here – the author describes his generous, compassionate treatment of a notoriously nasty neighbor, and his altruistic efforts are met with – escalating nastiness.

So not everyone will cooperate, be reasonable, appreciate your profound wisdom, or even pay any attention to you at all. Simply speaking, conflict management doesn’t always work.

As for the second fact: You will feel awkward. Remember going to the school dance and realizing your hair was ALL WRONG? Remember when the first three minutes of Q&A in a research presentation illustrated the obvious flaws in your hypotheses? It’s kinda like that. Conflict management means insisting on safe and constructive dialogue, which will identify you as an anomaly. As this blog posts suggests, civilly standing up for yourself means you must “expect weirdness.” People aren’t used to rational relational problem-solving. You will be the “odd-person-out,” the maverick, the misfit.

Does this means we should just forget about managing conflict constructively? Of course not. If you’re serious about the philosophy, strategies, and goals of conflict management you will improve your relationships, your productivity, maybe even your health and well-being. It does mean, however, you have to cut yourself some realistic slack. One person may be able to do a lot, but one person can’t do everything. Making a commitment to respond to conflict in ways that promote safety, encourage cooperation, and create workable solutions is an extremely sound policy, even if it doesn’t work all the time.