Domestic Violence

Blocking Someone Doesn’t Mean It’s Over – Part III

By Brianna Green

I ended the second part of this trilogy by saying, “The second thing that really bothers me is the entitlement this man felt that led him to show up to my apartment, my space, and demand my time and attention — especially after I had made it clear that I did not want him there. Why do some people feel like they have the right to break someone’s boundaries and invade their space?”  

 One explanation for someone (a man, specifically) feeling this entitlement to other people’s space, time, or bodies, is the socialization of boys. 

The way boys see themselves fitting into society can give them the feeling that they have an inherent right to certain things without needing to do anything to earn it. SaferResources says, “In the Western world, many men are taught from birth they have an inherent right to power… little boys see these lessons play out in the books they read and the movies they watch and the media constantly feeding into their subconscious.”  

SaferResources gives examples of male entitlement which includes: 

  • “Having an attitude of superiority, of being better and smarter than one’s partner and other women in general; 
  • Insisting on [unearned] respect or treatment entitled to as a man; 
  • Dismissing the opinions, ideas, and feedback of others; 
  • Acting above criticism; 
  • Possessing a strong need to be right and to win; and 
  • Expecting sex from their spouse as a duty or a demand.” 

Male entitlement is an issue that can be harmful to many people. Look at my story as an example: because this guy felt entitled enough to come to my place, I feel more anxious and like I have to be hyper vigilant at night now.  

When someone feels they deserve something inherently, being denied that thing can make them angry or even violent. The World Health Organization lists “ideologies of male sexual entitlement” as a factor “specifically associated with sexual violence perpetration.” Definitely check out this article to learn more about entitlement leading to violence against women.  

To avoid leaving you on a sad note, one thing we can do to combat this issue, according to SaferResources, is “take responsibility for behavior that we know is harmful to others. If you see others acting in destructive ways, point this out. Never collude with disrespectful behavior.” 

Missing White Woman Syndrome 

By Adriana Miranda

“Missing White Woman Syndrome: a term coined by the late PBS news anchor Gwen Ifill, refers to the mainstream media’s seeming fascination with covering missing or endangered white women, and its seeming disinterest in cases involving missing people of color.”  

I’m sure we all remember when Gabby Petito went missing earlier this year, and if you don’t I’ll recap it for you: Gabby went missing while on a road trip with her fiancé, he returned home without her. The internet immediately sensationalized her disappearance and turned this woman’s life into news stories and true-crime tiktoks. Now I’m not saying media attention is a bad thing — people should care about missing women. The issue is that when black women, latina women, indigenous women, and other women of color go missing, they don’t get the same amount of media interest, if any at all.  

Zach Sommers, a lawyer specializing in race, crime, and media coverage, did an entire study on this phenomenon, and he believes it’s influenced by money. “Sommers speculates that there’s also the economic calculus of news coverage to consider: in skewing this type of coverage toward white women, news outlets might be deciding that missing white women are worth more in terms of eyeballs and ad revenue.”   

This means that not only are missing black and brown women’s stories seen as less deserving of coverage, but missing white women’s victimhood is seen as profitable. Even more, sometimes media coverage comes across like true-crime entertainment rather than real genuine care for others’ safety.  

Media coverage may not be the end-all-be-all for finding missing people, but only covering stories of missing white women at the very least contributes to a subconscious societal belief that white women are more valuable. It should be concerning to all of us that (1) women in general are more easily seen as victims and (2) white women are seen this way more easily and their victimhood is considered profitable. 

Blocking Someone Doesn’t Mean It’s Over: Part I

By Brianna Green

I have dated a lot of people over the past several years. I’ve had a lot of good experiences… and I’ve had a lot of bad ones. My most recent dating experience was one of the worst. 

I had been seeing someone for almost a month, then we started arguing. We argued for about a week before I decided to end things. We had plans to meet in person to talk, but I decided to end things over the phone instead. I had a feeling it would go badly in person. The phone call took less than 5 minutes and I thought that would be that. But here I am telling this story.  

He calls me a week later hoping that I had realized I made a mistake and that we could get back together. I told him I needed some time to think about it. Two days go by and he calls me again.  Honestly, I hadn’t thought about it much and I wanted to talk to my therapist about it later that week, but his phone calls were making me upset and confused, so I decided to stick to my decision about ending things.  

Several days later I go to therapy. My therapist helps me work out my feelings and I feel a lot better about the situation. I was sad and angry that things had ended the way they did, but it was time to move on. After therapy, I made a Facebook post about the feelings I had been having and how grateful I was to be in therapy. And, of course, he reached out to me about the post that same day. We talked and decided to meet up that night (because I make “good” decisions). The meet up actually went pretty well and we decided to start talking again and plan a date for the following week.  

But over the next two days I realized the reconciliation was not a good idea. I ended things in the first place for a reason, and I was disappointed in myself for getting back together with him. It felt like I was letting myself down and throwing away whatever progress I had made in therapy. So I message him the next morning saying I was sorry but that talking to him again was bad for my mental health and not a good idea. After I sent the message, I blocked him. The back-and-forth needed to stop.  

Unfortunately, blocking someone doesn’t mean it’s over. Come back for Part 2 to learn what happened after I blocked him.  

Harassment and domestic violence disproportionately affect women and other gender minorities. October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, but as we move into November, remember: “each day, members of our community miss class or work because they are facing domestic violence.”  

Review of “Maid” on Netflix (Spoilers!)

By Sierra Voorhies

Content warnings: abuse and homelessness

I recently watched Maid, a new series on Netflix. The series is based on the book Maid: Hard Work, Low Pay, and a Mother’s Will to Survive by Stephanie Land, which is Land’s memoir exploring her experience working below the poverty line to provide for herself and her daughter. 

Not only were the performances of Margaret Qualley, Nick Robinson, and Andie MacDowell amazing, the show also brought women’s issues and poverty to center stage. As Brooke explained last week, domestic violence is often a gendered issue affecting cis women and their children. 

In Maid, we see Margaret Qualley’s character, Alex, leave her partner Sean while he is sleeping in order to avoid a violent encounter. We then witness the ups and downs of Alex trying to provide for herself and her daughter, Maddy. 

When she leaves Sean, Alex becomes homeless. She and Maddy get kicked out of a parking lot that they were sleeping in, and they even spend a night on the floor of a ferry station. Unfortunately, this reflects how many women who’ve escaped an abusive relationship become homeless.

Alex reaches out to everyone she can. She can’t stay with her mom long-term due to her mother’s untreated Bipolar Disorder putting her and her daughter in danger. Alex tries to rely on her friends and family with no luck. When she tries to utilize government assistance, she runs into an unescapable loop: she can’t find a place to live or daycare for Maddy without a job, but she can’t get a job if she has her daughter with her. The expenses of childcare affects many Americans, and is especially hard on those with low incomes and single parents. With nowhere else to turn, Alex eventually moves back in with her ex, Sean. Sean picks up where he left off, emotionally abusing Alex by getting rid of her car, refusing to let her have access to a telephone, and neglecting to bring home food or money from his work. 

Eventually Alex pulls herself out of Sean’s orbit again and this time has the resources and support in order for them to start a new life in Michigan, where she goes to college for creative writing. 

This show was so impactful, and if you’ve ever experienced this kind of situation, you will surely find it hard to watch. But I am so glad it’s on Netflix so we can all practice compassion and gain a greater understanding for people experiencing homelessness, especially women escaping domestic violence. Great mothers can be homeless and unable to provide for their children sometimes, and it’s powerful to fall in love with characters who represent this very human struggle, that could affect any of us.

 

Combating Domestic Violence

By Brooke Davidoff

Unfortunately, “nearly three in ten women and one in ten men in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner (or former partner).”  

Domestic Violence Awareness Month began in October 1987 to connect people seeking help with the organizations working to empower victims and educate the public. Progress has come a long way, but there is still much more work to be done. Stigma silences many victims of domestic abuse.    

Domestic violence a heavily gendered crime, (although cis men can very well be the victims of domestic violence, and they can and should seek help). Furthermore, “LGBTQ members fall victim to domestic violence at equal or even higher rates” than their cishet counterparts, and they also experience unique elements of abuse, such as the threat of being outed. Domestic violence is absolutely a gender equity issue, and much work needs to be done to educate about and prevent abusive relationships. For now, knowing what to look out for and how to get help is the best way to keep yourself safe. 

In a victimology class I took recently, we learned that intimate partner violence falls into four categories: stalking, psychological aggression, physical violence, and sexual violence.  People experiencing intimate partner violence don’t always know right away that they are being abused, and abusers tend to be good at manipulation, leaving victims to question themselves when they consider leaving the relationship.    

A few reasons people stay in abusive relationships: 

Some people in abusive relationships want the abuse to end, but the relationship to last, and they find themself waiting for their abuser to change. Financial dependence is another reason some victims feel trapped with their abusers. Shame, guilt, helplessness, embarrassment, and fear are only a few of the emotions that can cloud one’s judgment when trying to decide to stay or go. On top of that, there is still stigma associated with speaking out and admitting you are a victim.   

It is extra important for people to be aware of psychological aggression, because non-physical domestic violence can be difficult to recognize, but it can still cause potentially long-lasting trauma and emotional impacts. How do you know if you’re in an abusive relationship if there is no physical violence? Are you afraid of your partner? Are they extremely jealous? This screening helps you determine if it would be in your best interest to leave your partner for your own mental health and safety.   

If it is possible that you are in an abusive relationship, there are many ways you can seek help:

On campus you can always stop by the RISE office in Haag Hall Room 108. They are open Monday – Friday 8 A.M. to 5 P.M. You can also visit their website. 

Rose Brooks is a 24-hour emergency shelter in Kansas City.   

The Kansas City Anti-Violence Project (KCAVP) is the only LGBTQ-specific domestic violence or sexual assault service in Missouri. KCAVP was created to provide support and services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, and hate violence.  

For anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, you can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) now  

If you need help, please reach out to one of these resources. There are people who can help you find a safe way out; you are not alone.   

 

Dating During a Pandemic

Two people, both alike in swiping right,

In the time of Corona, where we lay our scene…

One would imagine dating during the time of a global pandemic would decrease significantly. Instead, dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, and OkCupid are reporting substantial increases in usage. (Fast Company) What’s more, people seem to be more open to conversations and creating emotional connections than before. Researchers say that when meeting up immediately is no longer safe, people are taking their time getting to know one another, and working towards meaningful relationships as opposed to flings. (The Atlantic)

We’ve published blogs talking about the dangers women are facing having to shelter in place in houses where they experience domestic violence, and the increase in violence against women in the pandemic. You can read more about what the UN labeled “The Shadow Pandemic” here.

What about the concerns of newly budding relationships?

One love is an organization devoted to educating young people on love and relationships. They recently released 10 signs of an unhealthy relationship and explain what these signs can look like during a global pandemic. They stress that “While everyone does unhealthy things sometimes, we can all learn to love better by recognizing unhealthy signs and shifting to healthy behaviors. If you are seeing unhealthy signs in your relationship, it’s important to not ignore them and understand they can escalate to abuse. If you think you are in a dangerous situation, trust your gut and get help.” (one love)

The ten signs are listed below and the full infographic can be found here.

  1. Intensity: When someone expresses very extreme feelings and over-the top behavior that feels overwhelming.

Expecting you to respond quickly to text/calls, expecting to spend all day together because you are home, relationships escalating faster than normal, self isolating together after a short time.

  1. Manipulation: When someone tries to control your decisions, actions or emotions.

Using shelter in place to control where you are, pressuring you to meet in person despite social distancing guidelines.

  1. Sabotage: When someone purposely ruins your reputation, achievements, or success.

Withholding WiFi, transportation, or money, not respecting communicated boundaries like work from home time, carelessly exposing you COVID19.

  1. Guilting: When someone makes you feel responsible for their actions or makes you feel like it’s your job to keep them happy.

Making you feel bad for having conversations about boundaries, expecting you to be okay sending or receiving explicit photos/messages due to lack of physical contact.

  1. Deflecting Responsibility: When someone repeatedly makes excuses for their unhealthy behavior.

Using the pandemic as an excuse for their unhealthy actions and behaviors like yelling or anything else on this list.

  1. Possessiveness: When someone is jealous to a point where they try to control who you spend time with and what you do.

Demanding you share your location at all times, looking through your phone, demanding to know who you’re talking to throughout the day.

  1. Isolation: When someone keeps you away from friends, family, or other people.

Pressuring you to quarantine with them instead of family/friends, expecting you to stay on the phone with them all day or for long stretches of time and limiting your interaction with others.

  1. Belittling: When someone does and says things to make you feel bad about yourself.

Putting you down for your work habits, snacking, physical appearance, or level of concern for COVID19.

  1. Volatility: When someone has a really strong, unpredictable reaction that makes you feel scared, confused or intimidated.

Lashing out and having extreme reactions to things out of their control like the WiFi not working, not being about to go out, etc.

  1. Betrayal: When someone is disloyal or acts in an intentionally dishonest way.

Exposing you or others to COVID19 knowingly or due to a lack of precautions, lying about breaking safety “bubbles” and symptoms of COVID19.

It is important to keep these red flags in mind when starting a new relationship, and even when evaluating existing ones. Abuse does not have to be physical to be real, and it is never excusable. If you are experiencing domestic violence contact the domestic violence hotline at 816-995-1000.

As always you can contact the Women’s Center at 816.235.1638 or umkc-womens-center@umkc.edu and we would be more than happy to assist you and/or direct you towards further help in whatever situation you are in.

Sources

https://www.fastcompany.com/90492617/how-covid-19-killed-hookup-culture-and-saved-romance

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/12/what-pandemic-has-done-dating/617502/

https://www.joinonelove.org/

 

The Shadow Pandemic

By Mia Lukic

November 30th was White Ribbon Day, a part of the United Nations ongoing 16 Days of Activism against Gender Based Violence which runs from the 25th of November to the 10th of December. This was a day to show solidarity with those who have experienced gender-based violence through signing a white ribbon and sharing the message on social media. Gender based violence is defined as “harmful acts directed at an individual based on their gender. It is rooted in gender inequality, the abuse of power and harmful norms” (UNHCR) and is considered “a serious violation of human rights and a life-threatening health and protection issue” by the United Nations Refugee Agency.

While the COVID 19 pandemic changed the circumstances of the event, it also has had a detrimental impact on gender-based violence worldwide. Even before the pandemic, 1 in 3 women experienced physical or sexual violence mostly by an intimate partner (UN Women). The numbers are only increasing due to a multitude of COVID caused changes. The factors include: security, health, and money worries, cramped living conditions, isolation with abusers, movement restrictions, and deserted public places (UN Women)

Statistically, less than 40% of women who experience violence seek help, and during the pandemic calls to helplines in certain countries increased by 5 times (UN Women). What does that mean about the number of cases?

The United Nations has deemed this the Shadow Pandemic. The Coronavirus is without question one of the most difficult things the world has experienced in past years, and the increase in violence against women seems to be a symptom left out of the fact sheets.

PPE or Personal Protective Equipment, takes on a whole new meaning. The CDC recommends wearing a mask and social distancing, but a mask cannot protect from violence, and distance from abusers can be impossible during stay at home orders. So how do we combat this Shadow Pandemic?

The UN Women Executive Director, Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka, said:

 

“I would like to call on your government to make visible at the highest level your commitment to addressing violence against women and girls in the context of COVID-19 by issuing a short statement on social media, in the form of a video message or a short text at the highest possible level, ideally at the level of Head of State/Government, highlighting:

  • Tangible actions undertaken to address violence against women and girls in the context of COVID-19;
  • Future planning policies and actions to implement in this context;
  • Your Government’s commitment to raise awareness on the issue at the national and international levels.” (UN Women)

UN Women stresses the importance of the following during this Shadow Pandemic.

FUND

  • Prioritize funding for a minimum package of essential services and include violence against women prevention in COVID-19 fiscal stimulus packages.
  • Make urgent and flexible funding available for women’s rights organizations working at the nexus of COVID-19 and addressing violence against women

PREVENT

  • Declare national zero tolerance policy for violence against women and girls with a concrete action plan in place
  • Launch a COVID-19 behavior change social mobilization campaign

RESPOND

  • Undertake explicit measures so that services for survivors of violence are maintained as essential
  • Ensure continuum of adequate criminal justice system response.

COLLECT

  • Collect data for improvement of services and programs” (UN Women)

Whether you are calling your representatives to demand they address the Shadow Pandemic, checking in on your loved ones, or fighting your own battle, know you are not alone. For hotline numbers and resources in our area check out the link below:

Domestic and Sexual Violence Resources

Step Forward to No Violence

By Jordan Tunks

Domestic violence is a very serious in the United States. Domestic violence is defined as violence or abuse in a domestic setting such as a marriage or cohabitation. By definition, domestic violence does not cover stalking, threatening, controlling, or depriving and only covers physical assaults. According to ncadv.org 10 million women and men are physically abused each year by an intimate partner. That is 10% of the United State population. Domestic violence is more than twice as likely to happen to women than men. 1 in 4 women experience domestic violence compared to 1 in 9 men. Hawaii and California saw a problem with this and knew there needed to be a change.

Hawaii and California have taken a huge step for society and passed the nation’s first laws against coercive control. Coercive control is the nonphysical abuse including psychological, sexual, financial, and emotional abuse. The anticipated outcome of this control is for the dependent to isolate themselves from support systems, regulate how they live their everyday life, and deprive them of needs to be independent and be on their own. Domestic abuse laws typically focus on physical abuse and coercive control laws focus more on the steps prior to the physical assault in hopes to stop it before it gets physical.

Hawaii signed the law into effect on September 15, 2020. The law defines coercive control as a “pattern of threatening, humiliating, or intimidating actions that take away the individual’s liberty or freedom and strip away the individual’s sense of self, including bodily integrity and human rights”. The Hawaii law classifies coercive control a class A felony and allows for criminal prosecution.

California signed the law into effect on September 29, 2020. The California law defines coercive control as “pattern of behavior that in purpose or effect unreasonably interferes with a person’s free will and personal liberty”. California has hopes this will allow survivors to speak against their abusers and provide them more ground to seek justice for themselves and get an abuser off the streets.

More states are already looking into this law. This is a big step forward for California and Hawaii that hopefully all states will look into and consider seriously. This can help stop violence at the root and before it becomes physical. This law needs to be publicized more and people should get educated on the topic and how they can help.

Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women

By Mia Lukic

October marks both Domestic Violence Awareness Month and the month of Indigenous People’s Day on October 12th, 2020. The Coalition to Stop Violence Against Native Women reports that 4 out of 5 native women are affected by violence today. The National Institute of Justice released a study that said 55.5% of native women experience physical violence by an intimate partner. Native women are murdered at a rate 10 times the national average, and they go missing and/or are murdered at a higher rate than any other ethnic group, according to Native Women’s Society. The lack of communication between tribes, local, and federal law enforcement are often cited as the reason only around 12% of missing indigenous women are entered into the National Missing and Unidentified Person System.

Last month, Congress passed two bills, Savanna’s Act, and the Not Invisible Act, which are focused on the issue of missing and murdered indigenous women, and they await the president’s signature. Harper’s Bazaar breaks them down to explain:

Savanna’s Act is named after Savanna LaFontaine, a native woman who was brutally murdered in 2017. This act requires that the Justice Department reports statistics on native people, create and train law enforcement on the protocol for missing and murdered indigenous people, and reach out to tribes and organizations focused on indigenous rights.

The Not Invisible Act demands that the Department of the Interior “designate an official within the Bureau of Indian Affairs to coordinate prevention efforts, grants, and programs related to missing Indians and the murder and human trafficking of Indians” (HB).

These bills are a good step towards justice and can only be attributed to the tireless work of activists who fought and continue to fight for indigenous women. The statistics of violence against indigenous women are horrendous, and for people to still have to fight for something to be done about it is disgraceful. Do not forget the indigenous woman during Violence Prevention Month, or any month. Take some time on the 12th to learn what land you are standing on, go to school on, work on, live on. The website https://native-land.ca/ will break down the tribes that lived on the land before you with a simple zip code input.

16 Days of Activism Against Gender Based Violence

By Skye VanLanduyt

16 Days of Activism Against Gender Based Violence is a yearly campaign running from November 25- December 10. The campaign was founded in 1991 at the Women’s Global Leadership Institute, with the purpose to call for prevention and elimination of violence against women and girls. The United Nations (UN) Women started a UNITE by 2030 Campaign under secretary, Ban Ki-Moon. The UNITE campaign specifically “calls on governments, civil society, women’s organizations, young people, the private sector, the media, and the entire UN system to join forces in addressing the global pandemic of violence against women and girls.” According to the Center for Women’s Global Leadership, the campaign is “the most widely recognized and longest-running campaign for women’s rights in the world.”

This year’s theme is “Orange the World: Generation Equality Stands Against Rape.” The 5 focus areas of UNITE include…
• Honor and acknowledge Women’s Movements
• ‘Leave No One Behind.’ Take a “human-rights based approach and focus on underserved and disadvantaged groups of women and girls.”
• Survivor-Centered: “Take a respectful and ‘do no harm’ approach to the telling and retelling of survivor stories.”
• Multi-Sectoral: “everyone in society has an important role to play.”
• The Color Orange: Show your support by wearing orange!

Make sure you like and follow the UMKC Women’s Center and The UMKC Violence Prevention and Response. We will be posting information about each day and ways about how you can take action against gender violence during the campaign! You can also check out the UN Women’s Facebook page to learn more about the cause, read articles about international women’s rights, and advocacy.