Wednesday, May 18, 2022
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UMKC Unveils New Mascot: Concealed Carry Roo

You might notice that things look a little a different this week. That’s because in honor of April Fool’s Day (we know, we’re late), we’ve dedicated an entire issue to fake news! Remember, all of these articles are satire—not real. We’ll return to regular news next week. In the meantime, check out some of our stories!

UMKC officials announced today that a new mascot is to replace the old UMKC Roo. The new mascot, Concealed Carry Roo, will feature an NRA t-shirt, bandolier and two Glock semiautomatic pistols which it will keep stashed in its pouch. The Roo will be prepared to protect its second amendment rights across campus and beyond.

While opponents of the new mascot claim that Concealed Carry Roo glorifies violence, supporters argue that the mascot is not pro-gun, but rather an expression of marsupial rights.

“Despite the fact that most students lack a flexible pouch of skin for storing their young, we hope the new mascot will contribute to an atmosphere of respect and safety on campus,” said the designer of the mascot.

The new Roo is just part of a larger initiative should a bill concerning conceal carry on university campuses pass the Missouri legislature.

“Ideally, we’re looking to set up several vending machines with a variety of small arms and ammunition across campus,” the architect behind the initiative said. “The goal is for students to be able to make purchases with Roobucks.”

“At first, we were very hesitant about having a gun culture on campus,” A UMKC official said. “It’s a complex and personal issue. As we saw at the town hall on concealed carry, people have very fervent beliefs. Thankfully, our elected officials were generous enough to remind us that the safety of our students isn’t any of our business.”
Regardless of the legislatures decision, when the future arrives, Concealed Carry Roo will be there, ready to hop into action and unleash a storm of hot lead.

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