Saturday, January 16, 2021

U-News Gets Access to Durwood Stadium, Free Dessert

You might notice that things look a little a different this week. That’s because in honor of April Fool’s Day (we know, we’re late), we’ve dedicated an entire issue to fake news! Remember, all of these articles are satire—not real. We’ll return to regular news next week. In the meantime, check out some of our stories!

The UMKC athletics department recently announced a new partnership with the University News. UMKC athletics has graciously offered Durwood Stadium as the new location for our weekly staff meetings.

“It’s been really great,” said University News Editor-in-Chief Hope Austin. “We have people sitting all over the stadium, so we communicate by shouting at each other with megaphones.”

In addition to scholarships for all of the staff writers, athletics has begun providing catering for the meetings as well.

“The cake, wow,” News Editor Ariel Andrew said. “The cake is amazing. They have flavors you haven’t even heard of.”

It isn’t all fun and games for U-News though. Recently, one of our writers published an article exposing how much money athletics was spending on cheesecakes and assorted truffles for the weekly meetings.

“I was astonished to learn that all UMKC students now to have pay a $100 catering fee on Pathway in addition to their tuition,” the writer said.

“He’s a total dork,” responded a UMKC athletics official. The writer in question is no longer invited to come have cake.

In addition, athletics unveiled an exclusive advertising package with U-News, which consists of a signed basketball wrapped inside every newspaper.

“I was passing out some newspapers to my class, so you can imagine my astonishment when several basketballs fell out,” UMKC Professor and U-News Advisor Whitney Terrell said. “We were able to start a pick-up game. They’re really putting bread in our baskets. As a student paper, we really rely on support and open, honest dialogue with the rest of UMKC. Athletics has been a big part of that.”

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