Thursday, May 26, 2022
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U-News Endorses Cthulhu for President

You might notice that things look a little a different this week. That’s because in honor of April Fool’s Day (we know, we’re late), we’ve dedicated an entire issue to fake news! Remember, all of these articles are satire—not real. We’ll return to regular news next week. In the meantime, check out some of our stories!

In this increasingly chaotic world, it’s become clear that America needs a leader who can navigate that chaos.

This why the U-News staff has decided to endorse the Cthulhu for President of the United States.

Even though the tentacle-mouthed monster hails from the underwater city of R’lyeh, we feel that he is the best option for the future of America.

Americans all over are disillusioned with the candidates running for the 2016. The choices aren’t great: a former reality show host, the former first lady, a wide-eyed idealist and a man suspected of being the Zodiac Killer. Naturally, this leaves the only logical option: Cthulhu.

The Lovecraftian creature form beyond the deep makes perfect sense as our new leader. We humans and our problems are nothing compared to the horrific giants that duke it out in the cosmic unknown. Should the day that one of these cosmic horrors come to visit Earth, we need to be prepared. We need someone who stand up for to these giants. We need Cthulhu.

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