Sunday, May 22, 2022
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Top School Official Caught on Hoverboard

You might notice that things look a little a different this week. That’s because in honor of April Fool’s Day (we know, we’re late), we’ve dedicated an entire issue to fake news! Remember, all of these articles are satire—not real. We’ll return to regular news next week. In the meantime, check out some of stories!

Vice Chancellor Mel Tyler was seen on April 1 using a self-balancing scooter (also known as battery-operated scooter, hands-free Segway or hoverboard) on the Cherry Street sidewalk behind Durwood Soccer Stadium and Recreational field.

This comes after a January 14 email where Tyler, on the administration’s behalf, announced the new policy to eliminate hoverboards from campus. Tyler had this to say in response.

“We are considering a lift on the ban to eliminate snow days. The prototype hoverboard I was riding had a front-mounted plow and I was throwing salt over my shoulder, but this is really just the tip of the iceberg. Future designs have a street-sweeper attachment. It will clean up the walk by pushing things like leaves into the gutter,” said Tyler.

Chancellor Leo Morton’s administration has been searching for new ways to trim the budget. Students leisure time on campus has been become an obvious focus.

Tyler discussed the safety concern by saying, “Early statistics show a 50 percent increase in sure-footing.”

A town hall,held last night, discussed the new hoverboard proposal. Faculty expressed concern over classroom fires because of the potential to explode. The current proposal modifies bike racks to hold hoverboards, but some faculty members aren’t convinced it will deter students.

“Students bring their bikes into my classroom all the time,” said English Professor Whitney Terrell.

The crowd of around 400 voiced their opinions candidly, but perhaps the loudest voice of the night came from sophomore ping pong student-athlete Frank Lee Ridiculous.

“I don’t know about you, but I only ride boards while doing handstands. I like the danger and everyone watches me with great attention. My concern is when one of those boards blows up and I’m left looking dumb in front of the hunnies,” Ridiculous said.

Chancellor Morton was quick to step forward and offer a solution to Ridiculous’s cool reputation.

“How about this: operators who see their board explode will be allowed to use tobacco on campus for the remainder of the day. Anyone caught without partially destroyed shoes, or burned hands in your case, will not be in good-standing with the rules.” Morton said.

Initial figures show an increase in hoverboard sales following the town hall.

rmhmqc@mail.umkc.edu

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