Wednesday, May 18, 2022
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Satire: Top 5 workout songs 1980-2012


As one of the top fat acceptance activists in the world (I even have 5 Facebook friends from Kyrgyzstan!), I have come to realize the importance of working out.

I even founded the official, unofficial UMKC Society of Enlightened Students for Size Acceptance (SESSA).

SESSA held its first semimonthly weigh-in at the industrial-sized scale at Ford’s Claycomo assembly plant last Monday, and hosted a sit-in at Swinney Recreation Center afterwards to bring attention to our chosen plight.

Needless to say, we used furniture pads to move the exercise equipment so we could all sit down on the floor and protest. Standing-up protests require so much more physical effort.

The protest didn’t go over so well. It might have been a good idea to fill out the proper Student Affairs paperwork and make arrangements with Campus Facilities beforehand.

To cut my poignant anecdote to the chase, you must be postulating one simple question:

Why has Debbie Littles suddenly become so concerned about health consciousness?

Because others like to discredit me when I say I’m a fat acceptance activist, especially when I mention that I flat out reject the idea of portion control. They say, “You’re just a fat lazy *****. Go hit the treadmill.”

The challenge is on!

Every time I check in at Swinney on Foursquare, I feel compelled to share my music selection with my Facebook friends via Spotify. I’m sure each one of them wants to know what music I listen to.

Anyhow, here are the top 5 songs I like gettin’ jiggy with when I jiggle my rolls on the elliptical bike.

1. Janet Jackson- “Nasty Boys”

Janet doesn’t like boys who disrespect and neither do I. It’s Ms. Littles if you nasty. With so many nasty boys taking peeks at my muffin rack, I do not know why Swinney hasn’t decided to blast this song every 10 minutes as a reminder of why chivalry still matters.

2. Sir Mix-A-Lot- “Baby Got Back”

Every time my motivation wears off, I listen to this song. With all the pressure out there for girls to be pretty and petite, Sir Mix-A-Lot reminds us that most men actually prefer curvy women. This single is truly a one-hit wonder that has stuck with the times. I love blasting this song through my headphones whenever I do squats.

3. Rebecca Black- “Friday”

Whenever I forget what day it is, I reference Rebecca Black’s hit YouTube performance. Gaining national acclaim and elevating her to child prodigy status, and snagging market share from Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus overnight, Rebecca Black’s talent makes her a perfect candidate for the UMKC Conservatory to recruit.

We would blow Julliard out of the water.

4. Fergie- “Fergalicious”

This Los Angeles artist outshines her British namesake in class, sophistication and musical talent. In her mid-2000s hit, when Fergie was still relevant, she offers everyone a catchy spelling lesson with a rhythm for locker room striptease post-workout.

5. Anything Nickelback, Creed, Hinder, Daughtry or ’90s rock

Technically, these are separate artists, but they shall be treated as one for the purpose of this review. To my ears, it’s all the same- I mean that in a good way. If four different bands can play the same guitar chords and sing the same songs and still have a separate identity, they must be doing something right commercially.

The lyrics typically involve getting wasted, high on a plane with cocaine, beating one’s girlfriend (Trust me boys, I hit back!), remembering a lost girlfriend you cheated on, or driving a fancy pickup truck and living in a fancy house like the Playboy mansion with a private jet and the latest fashions.

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