Saturday, January 15, 2022
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Satire: Mascot troubles


Things haven’t been going well for me lately.

I am one of the top Twitter and Facebook activists in the world, but U-News editor-in-chief Nathan Zoschke is trying to silence me.

He basically called me an attention-starved loser and said my activism was useless, citing numerous complaints from readers that nobody at UMKC cares to read my columns about size acceptance activism or singing fetus dolls.

He said I needed to find an issue that affects students.

Besides, he said, anyone can get people’s attention by holding up a sign on a busy street corner or bombarding their news feeds of controversial posts.

At first, I brushed off the criticism, but it finally got to me during a visit to Hamburger Mary’s several weeks ago.

I’m a huge fan of Sen. Claire McCaskill. If I were skinnier, I would consider dying my hair blonde and getting the same thick-rimmed glasses.

Seeing who I thought was the S-e-n-a-t-o-r McCaskill at Hamburger Mary’s ended up as a disappointment.

“Claire! Oh my God! You need to accept my friend request on Facebook so I can tag you in all of my posts,” I said.

Instead, I got a funny look and a chorus of guffaws. I mistook a drag queen for a U.S. senator. Talk about humiliating!

It was almost as bad as the time I was tripping on mushrooms and got kicked out of the Nelson for making out with the wax museum guard statue.

What kind of activist am I?

Maybe politics just isn’t my cup of tea. Maybe I’m cut out for something else.

I went on a walk around campus to try and find myself- to connect with my inner activist.

Something stood out on my walk: the Kangaroo shrub outside of Durwood Stadium.

It inspired me to think more deeply about the treatment of animals. I was a vegetarian for a few months before McDonald’s tasty McChicken sandwich led me to reconsider my aversion to meat.

Eating animals is one thing, but using them as a school mascot is quite a different matter.

Since the introduction of school mascots, our society has seen the gradual erosion of our ability to distinguish between humans and animals. Just look at Donald Trump’s hair.

If it’s not Kangaroos, Tigers, Wildcats, Sun Devils or Jayhawks, it’s Indians, Redskins and Vikings.

Does this confuse the crap out of anyone else? There aren’t even kangaroos in Missouri!

If we’re going to talk about changing the name of UMKC, why can’t we talk about changing the mascot, too?

I say it’s time for a protest.

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