Sunday, May 22, 2022
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Anti-abortion group unveils mascot

Last week, I had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to visit the thriving metropolis of Wichita for a life-changing experience: a pro-life toy conference.

Upon entering my final destination, Carlos O’Kelly’s, I immediately checked in on Foursquare and updated my Facebook status to let everyone know I treated myself to Wichita’s finest dining.

Inside the restaurant, Kansans Raging against Sluts, Homos and Abortion (KRASHA) unveiled its new mascot, a singing fetus

KRASHA spokesperson Mary Jane Pulp said she anticipates the doll will be a commercial success.

Although the Tickle Me Fetus was invented to teach children about the evils of abortion, masturbation and premarital sex, its message is intended for a large, impressionable audience that extends well beyond Kansas.

The Tickle Me Fetus will be sold online in the U.S. and in the gift shop of the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky.

Taking cues from the Tickle Me Elmo dolls that inundated retail stores in the late ’90s, the Tickle Me Fetus is programmed to remove the thumb from its mouth and verbally respond to each umbilical cord tug.

It warns children that touching their private areas often leads to blindness and schizophrenia.

The singing fetus, dwarfed by a giant sombrero, also sings “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira and “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé.

“If it has hips, it’s a baby, not a glob of tissue,” Pulp said. “And if you’re going to have sex, then God says you should ‘put a ring on it’ and get married first.’”

A special edition Todd Akin Tickle Me Fetus, sold exclusively in Missouri, also says phrases like, “If it’s a legitimate rape, then why the heck are you pregnant?”

Pulp praised what she called “divine inspiration.”

“We want to honor Jesus by saving babies’ lives and stopping people who are more attractive than us from having sex,” she said.

Pulp listed a trifecta of consequences that can result from premarital sex: sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), low self-esteem and eternal damnation.

“You can get AIDS by having premarital sex just one time with a condom, even if both partners are virgins—I’d say it’s about a 50-50 chance,” Pulp said. “Having sex inside a faithful marriage for only procreation drastically reduces those odds.”

If it weren’t for the facts that I was eating Carlos O’Kelly’s while Pulp was talking and had my tubes tied the week before, I would have taken exception to those remarks.

I agree with the consensus that contraceptives should be banned; sex feels so much better without a condom. Good thing unprotected sex is perfectly safe.

And after seeing a couple dozen pictures of aborted fetuses Pulp secretly retrieved from the late Dr. George Tiller’s Wichita clinic—all while I was scarfing down my second appetizer order of Fajita Chicken Quesadillas—I am against abortion too, especially since I can no longer become pregnant.

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