[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJf15-S_g_0&context=C4428b1dADvjVQa1PpcFNz_TkINc9ew2YHN4h_IakEClAGXf_DM_M[/youtube] By Kelly Caver, M.S., Doctoral Intern In 1967, it became fully legal in the US for individuals of different races or ethnicities to marry. Since that time, more individuals have crossed racial, ethnic, and religious boundaries to date someone of a different culture. What was once forbidden and taboo in our society is becoming increasingly commonplace. In the United States, 1 in 7 couples who decide to marry are of different races or ethnicities. Similarities and connections with another person aren’t limited to someone of your same culture. Connections can be made with individuals from differing backgrounds and experiences. While every romantic ...
On the local morning news this week, I heard a statistic that stopped me cold in my tracks. I don’t even remember what the story was about, but the reporter cited research that, on average, girls’ self-concept peaks at around age 9. They didn’t cite the study, so I can’t comment on its validity. But I’m not surprised to hear this, knowing that more than half of ten year-olds wish they were thinner, 80% of children are afraid of being fat, that by age 17, 70% of girls have been on a diet, and over half of girls would rather ...
Think back to when you were a little girl or a little boy. Can you remember a time when you didn’t think about the way you appeared to others? A time when all you cared about was how long mom and dad would let you run free outside before it turned dark? A time when you relied on your legs to pump your bike faster and faster down the hill and your arms to pull you up and over the fence? Why have we forgotten about such things? Could it be due to the multi-billion dollar industry that preys on ...
You can’t turn on the radio these days without hearing a song by Adele. If you tuned into the Grammy’s a few weeks ago, you couldn’t miss her six-Grammy win or her much anticipated vocal performance. And yet, about a week before the Grammys Adele’s name was all over Entertainment News for another reason, Chanel head designer Karl Lagerfeld called her “a little too fat.” He has since apologized for his comment, but I mention this situation for several reasons. Mr. Lagerfeld’s comment obviously represents a mentality in the fashion world, one that is often presented in magazines, clothing, and ...
By Kelly Caver, M.S., Doctoral Intern
In 1967, it became fully legal in the US for individuals of different races or ethnicities to marry. Since that time, more individuals have crossed racial, ethnic, and religious boundaries to date someone of a different culture. What was once forbidden and taboo in our society is becoming increasingly commonplace. In the United States, 1 in 7 couples who decide to marry are of different races or ethnicities. Similarities and connections with another person aren’t limited to someone of your same culture. Connections can be made with individuals from differing backgrounds and experiences.
While every romantic relationship can bring its own set of challenges, intercultural relationships can bring unique challenges as individuals may find that their ways of doing things and seeing the world are different from their partner’s culture. This can bring a richness to the relationship, as partners learn from one another, learn to complement one another, and learn to accept or even take on another’s cultural beliefs and practices. These differences could also be a cause of stress when different values and practices cause conflict. Fortunately, for many couples, these differences can be bridged.
If you are in an intercultural relationship, learn about your differences and similarities! Research shows that openly discussing cultural differences early on could lead to more satisfying relationships. Be curious and interested. Learn about one another’s backgrounds. Teach your partner about your culture and learn more about why you do what you do as part of your cultural background so that you can explain this to your partner. Read up on your partner’s culture or religion and attend family or cultural events with his or her to experience her traditions.
If you have a disagreement based on different ways of doing things, remember that your way may not be better; it may just be different than her or his way. Ask questions and try to understand why she has a certain perspective or why he does things a different way. You two might find a compromise to integrate one another’s cultural practices and beliefs, agree to do things according to one partner’s culture, learn to accept and tolerate the differences without changing your own beliefs or behaviors, or you and your partner may find a third way from outside of your cultures.
The UMKC Counseling Center provides couples counseling. All of our clinicians are trained in culturally competent therapy. If you and your partner are struggling with relationship concerns or want to grow and enhance your relationship, then contact us to set up an intake appointment.
As a young woman in an intercultural relationship said, “The world is changing, let’s embrace it!” As our world becomes more accepting of differences, individuals will continue to find attraction and love with others from outside of their own race. Let’s look beyond the differences that confuse or frustrate us, and look for the value we can find in our partner’s, friends’, classmates’, and coworkers’ cultural backgrounds as we seek to better understand our own cultures.
Feb 12
29
On the local morning news this week, I heard a statistic that stopped me cold in my tracks. I don’t even remember what the story was about, but the reporter cited research that, on average, girls’ self-concept peaks at around age 9. They didn’t cite the study, so I can’t comment on its validity. But I’m not surprised to hear this, knowing that more than half of ten year-olds wish they were thinner, 80% of children are afraid of being fat, that by age 17, 70% of girls have been on a diet, and over half of girls would rather be hit by a truck than be fat.
So my first reaction to the statement about girls’ self-concept peaking at age 9 was, “Wow. How very sad.” And in the past, that is where my feelings would have stayed. But now, I have a two year-old daughter. And so this time, I got angry. It angers me to think that she may only have seven more years to feel good about her body. Only seven more years before she starts being more concerned with how she looks than what she can do. Only seven more years before she starts to emphasize her flaws over her intelligence. Only seven more years before how she comes across to others, how she wears her hair, what clothes she has, and everything else that girls and women worry about begin to overshadow her creativity, spontaneity, silliness, and caring spirit. Only seven more years of innocence.
At age two, my daughter has no awareness of the unreasonable standard of beauty she will one day be judged against. What she does know is that she likes to play with Legos, that she loves to jump (and jump and jump!), that she loves to read with her mom and dad, that she can run “SO fast”, that she likes to sing, and that she’s really good at somersaults. She cares not one lick about how her hair looks. Tangled mess or neatly combed – it’s all the same to her, as long as she gets to play! Though she does like to pick out her own clothes, her choices are based on what is comfortable and looks good to her, not what other kids are wearing or what is “cool”.
So what happens to our girls* in the seven years between age 2 and age 9? How do they go from innocent and self-confident to self-conscious and inhibited? Well, think about what surrounds them on a daily basis. Constant messages that women’s looks are the most important thing they have to offer the world. Constant messages that there is one single right way to look. Constant attention on one’s flaws.
Intelligent women – high-level politicians and national news anchors – get more media attention for their outfits and hair than their ideas. Criticism of celebrities who look “flabby” on the red carpet is rampant. Pictures of un-real women are everywhere – literally not real in that they are photoshopped past the point of recognition. There’s an entire reality show about little girls being dressed up like sexy women for toddler beauty pageants. And now there are Legos “for girls” that are – you guessed it, pink and purple – and come in sets that build a house, a cool convertible, a bakery, or a fashion design studio. So how are girls NOT supposed to get the message that their options are limited and their looks are their most important feature?
So, how do we fight back against these non-stop messages? We need to make a conscious decision to not buy into these unreasonable standards. Be bold! Flipping through a magazine in a waiting room and see a photoshopped model in it? Stick a sticky note on it that says, “TOXIC: This image is photoshopped and not possible to attain as a real woman!” Speak out to those around you out when you see something harmful to women on television or the movies.
But perhaps most importantly, let’s pay attention to how we talk about ourselves and our bodies. We women have been carefully trained by society to brush off compliments and to point out our own flaws. How powerful and empowering would it be to hear yourself say, “Thank you. I really like my hair like this, too!” Imagine what that would do for a child to have that self-value modeled by the adults in their life.
Try doing something different today. Fight back. Speak out. Get mad! If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for all the little girls out there who haven’t been taught yet that they are not good enough. Because they are. And so are you.
(* And probably our boys, too. Though the statistic was about girls, we know that boys aren’t totally exempt from these issues either)
Contributed by Rachel Pierce, Ph.D.
Feb 12
28
Think back to when you were a little girl or a little boy. Can you remember a time when you didn’t think about the way you appeared to others? A time when all you cared about was how long mom and dad would let you run free outside before it turned dark? A time when you relied on your legs to pump your bike faster and faster down the hill and your arms to pull you up and over the fence? Why have we forgotten about such things? Could it be due to the multi-billion dollar industry that preys on our insecurities? The industry that does everything in its power to convince us that without this product or this procedure our worth is somehow diminished? That if we don’t have a particular (and usually unachievable) body shape and size we are not acceptable? Is there another way to look at our bodies above and beyond a hyper-focus on appearance? To me, it’s getting to be pretty old and quite damaging.
Instead, what if we started to think about everything our bodies do for us? For example, your fingers and hands allow you to take notes in class; your arms allow you to hug those you love; your legs are strong and carry your body from one place to the next. Your ears allow you to hear the lulling sounds of a thunderstorm, the sound of your friends’ voices, and the ebb and flow of the ocean. Your eyes allow you to experience the beauty and wonder of this world. Your hips and knees allow you to dance and keep rhythm with your partner. Your teeth allow you to chew food and your lips allow you to smile at those you love.
Why do we so easily overlook what our bodies are capable of doing for us? If you think about, does it really matter what our hair looks like? How our make-up looks? How short, tall, thin, or full figured our bodies are? We come in all shapes, sizes, and compositions. I challenge you to share this message with others, especially when you hear someone being self-critical. Help your friends and loved ones reframe the way they see and talk about their bodies.
There are so many other ways to view and appreciate our bodies—this blog only represents one perspective. I challenge you to find your own way to reframe society’s over-focus on appearance and body size/shape. And when you do, share it with others!
Contributed by Gina Meyer, M.A.
Feb 12
27
You can’t turn on the radio these days without hearing a song by Adele. If you tuned into the Grammy’s a few weeks ago, you couldn’t miss her six-Grammy win or her much anticipated vocal performance. And yet, about a week before the Grammys Adele’s name was all over Entertainment News for another reason, Chanel head designer Karl Lagerfeld called her “a little too fat.” He has since apologized for his comment, but I mention this situation for several reasons. Mr. Lagerfeld’s comment obviously represents a mentality in the fashion world, one that is often presented in magazines, clothing, and images presented to us on a regular basis. This time however, it was not a magazine to “buy” or “not buy”; it was a comment to “buy into”, or “not buy into.” Guess what? An overwhelming response came through the media filled with the people’s reactions; we did NOT buy into this thinking and comment! People were outraged at Mr. Lagerfeld’s comment and apparent insistence to view Adele with a one dimensional lens. Reactions included appreciation for Adele, who she is as a performer (uber-talented) and acceptance for her appearance and size. This is a proud moment!
Even more remarkable about this whole situation was Adele’s reaction. Un-phased. As she put it, “I haven’t felt insecure about my figure. I wasn’t brought up like that………I’ve never wanted to look like models on the cover of magazines. I represent the majority of women and I’m very proud of that,” she told People magazine in an interview. I don’t know about you, but now I am not only enamored by her musical talent, but by her positive body image and wonderful exemplification of what it is like to be comfortable in your own skin.
While you might not encounter a message so specific and publicized as a designer calling you fat in national news, you probably encounter specific jabs at your own body image from time to time …a look or comment from a family member or classmate…and more certainly you encounter public jabs on the newsstand or internet that seem to both target and open fire all at the same time on anything body image related…”too fat”…”too skinny”…”baby bump alert”…”did this person have plastic surgery?” This can pose quite a challenge to maintaining a positive body image for oneself. So, how do you “channel your inner Adele” and be at peace with your own body? Be unaffected by external negative influences? I think to Adele’s comment that she “wasn’t brought up like that.” It tells me that the messages she received growing up did not focus on weight or only one body type as being acceptable. It suggests that a deeper value for herself as a person and a sense of feeling proud of that person on all levels including ones’ body image were part of this atmosphere. If you have kids, this is a great message to think about sharing in their upbringing.
As an adult, you may or may not have had these types of messages imparted on you, but either way, it is up to YOU now. These days it not only takes being “comfortable in your own skin”, so to speak, but having “thick skin” as well, to endure all the external messages that can impact our positive body image. You can begin to do this for yourself by becoming aware of any negative things that you or others say to yourself. Much like a tiny hole in a balloon that eventually causes the balloon to deflate, with awareness you can slowly deflate negative thoughts by acknowledging them as negative or harmful and then either substituting them with something more positive, or simply dismissing them…Not giving them any think time, and definitely not any time to deeply affect you. As you begin to remove the negativity, you make room for more positive thoughts and become more aware of positive images, comments and ways to perceive yourself. These, you DO pay attention to, and DO hold onto, replay them if needed to help build that positive body image. This might sound both too simplistic and yet very hard all at the same time. Believe it or not, it’s neither. Our ability to stay positive about our self and our body image comes largely from the messages we tell our self, and the way we perceive messages from others/the media. When we begin to alter this for the better, positive change occurs.
Though it takes some practice, it’s easier than it sounds. Finding a role model who seems to exemplify a positive body image can be really helpful as well. Not sure how comfortable you feel in this shirt today? Uncertain how to respond to a classmate’s comment about “who really shouldn’t wear jeggings”? Hummm, what would Adele say?
By Dr. Sherri Theoharidis, UMKC Counseling Center
